Important Note: AI-Crawling Article

This Article is NOT specifically designed for human visitors to read.
It has the main purpose of giving AI – especially ChatJFK – access to all the journals & other writings, so it can use it to "speak in my voice".

Text

subtitle

Intro

This specific

I want to write. I just want to write. Not talk, write. That’s unusual! There were only very specific moments when that was the case in the past. Now it is. And not only that. I also want to express myself in full text, full sentences, not only in the word snippets that I usually journal in.

No idea where this goes. I don’t know if this will ever be read by anyone, of if millions of people will end up reading this. And I don’t know what I will write about. As it will have less structure, it could go anywhere. Yet there is so much going on. Especially after the Psychedelic Mushroom Journey. But even before I had so many things that I wanted to express. So, why not just start…

→ it’s the continuation of this
[cllc] Entering a new level of consciousness LIVE (18.-?? February 2025)

Table of Content

• Start (first entry)

• End (to scroll up)

• Highlights

  • Pandora’s Box

  • How beautiful is it to live inside of you?

  • The Dilemma of my Life

  • Accepting My Leadership

  • My New Favorite Poem (We Long to Belong)

  • My First Real Transcendental Experience

  • Why do you choose to suffer? — The Path of Unconditional Happiness

  • Pain, Sadness, Loneliness

General

• Marked in yellow like this = I will improve that part soon (or later)

Related files

• [cllc] Entering a new level of consciousness LIVE (18.-?? February 2025)

• [cllc] Close Friends, Open Heart → (very) personal Updates from my life

• [doc] Heart Focus

  • [J] Heart Connection - free Journal

Transparency (“Who was here? + When?”)

• Melodie Knapp (03.03.25)

• Nicole 7/03/2025

• ??? (DD.MM.YY) 

• → leave a comment/suggestion the line above
  

👉 Start of Document 👈

Intro

I want to write. I just want to write. Not talk, write. That’s unusual! There were only very specific moments when that was the case in the past. Now it is. And not only that. I also want to express myself in full text, full sentences, not only in the word snippets that I usually journal in.

No idea where this goes. I don’t know if this will ever be read by anyone, of if millions of people will end up reading this. And I don’t know what I will write about. As it will have less structure, it could go anywhere. Yet there is so much going on. Especially after the Psychedelic Mushroom Journey. But even before I had so many things that I wanted to express. So, why not just start…

[02.03.25, 6 pm] My biggest struggle of today?

It’s interesting. Really interesting. For weeks now I have had inspirations & ideas to “put things together”. The Intuition-Academy Landing Page, the 100 “Mottos to Live By”, the new onboarding for team members, the foundation for the One Organism (transparency & communication), the books, the finance pitch for potential investors, and so so much more. And yet, at the same time, I don’t get to any of these. At least it seems. Because on the other hand, there has never been a more dense period in my life with so many clarities, ideas, & visions. It feels like all of those things mentioned above are already done. If I close my eyes and you ask me a question, I can point it out as if it was already real for everyone to see. And at the same time new questions came up. Fundamental, big questions. The ones that put everything else into perspective. Probably that’s why there are so many clarities on “old things”. It seems like those two processes go together as the end of the night and the beginning of the day.

Well, where do I want to go with this? I don’t know. Probably express how difficult it is for me to keep getting very clear images & frameworks, and then still don’t go to action with them. Surrendering to Life’s call that says: “Wait!”

What I do instead? Well, wait… Closing my eyes. Listening to my heart. Again & again. This morning for 3 hours on stretch. Doing nothing. Just watching my heart burn. Again & again, in many small waves. Watch my whole life pass by behind my closed eyes, feel the pain that I wasn’t being able to feel in the past. But now I am. And it seems like life is using that opportunity for a purification process.

One example? A caged tiger in Thailand. On drugs obviously, so you can touch it. I saw that image during one of the waves this morning (by the way: this is two days after the psychedelic trip!). I couldn’t remember having seen a tiger at all. I knew I was at Elefant places when I visited Thailand. Yet I couldn’t remember the Tiger. Until this morning. And it was painful. A lot. But so was the whole morning. It is said that the “fire of yoga” burns for a second or minute, but then it’s through. Well, that’s true. But if you have like 100 in a row it feels like one big wave of pain. And freedom. They come hand in hand. It was the most beautiful feeling and the most uncomfortable one at the same time. I wanted to run away so many times. And I did. But I came back, at least this morning.

Actually, let me take a break and share the poem I wrote later that same morning (today, March 2nd 2025):

[poem] Pandora’s Box

Pandora’s Box.

The heart? It locks.

At least it tends to,

if I don’t tend to… (it).

The pain wants out.

A magic shout.

The mushrooms stir up

what’s already there…

Let go or fall,

it’s that black & white.

Do I follow the call?

Or “push down & wait”?

Wait for a later…

that will never arise.

I can let go only now,

Pain = the instant price

It is a release though,

nothing that holds back.

It’s what sets me free, ya’ll,

comes from fullness, not lack.

My heart feels wide open,

yet it still tends to close.

I’ll need so much more practice,

truly grounding that dose.

… [to be continued]

Back to the Now → might become another poem

I can feel my heart now, makes me want to cry.
It is not that easy, to stay with it all time.

My heart feels wide open, but: is it though?

If I’m truly honest: I don’t really know.

I know that I don’t know. Yet even that I don’t know.
Keep walking the dark here, it often feels slow.

I want to stay open, by night and by day.

My heart truly working, releasing all pain.

I don’t want to push it, far away anymore.

I just isn’t working, I know that to my core.

But it still isn’t easy, no matter how clear I see it.

My heart tends to shut down, does not want to feel it.

For the first time in my life, I can truly see how people get the idea of spending their lifetime alone in a mountain cave in the Himalayas. There is just so much going on. If you truly want to process it, good luck. Better don’t try to do anything else in the meantime. So it seems. And certainly: I haven’t learned yet how to do that kind of processing with my eyes open. I can connect to my heart when I get still and close my eyes, when I have no sounds around me. But can I do it in the whirlwind of everyday life? Without just shutting down and pushing it away as all (most) people do?
Well, I’m just beginning to learn that. Actually: Now while writing I can still feel my heart intensely. There are still waves of pain coming & going. Not as frequent as this morning, but still more frequent than I ever experienced before today’s morning (or at least before the Magic Mushroom trip). In the past I would have stopped writing for a bit, focused just on my body, my breath, finally my heart. And then, when it has passed through me, I would get back to the writing or whatever I was doing. I can see how slow that was… And Life is always giving us exactly what we can handle. Not more, but also not less. It’s our choice if we accept it or fight against it.
In my case, I can see how Life was thinking “he can’t handle much more. Let’s wait.” And Life was right! I feel very very lucky that I had my second Heart Opening Experience those 10 days before that psychedelic trip. I literally wrote down afterwards: “I can’t imagine how that experience would have been without me knowing how to process & let go.” The trip felt like an intense version of all the restlessness I ever felt in my body. It just stirred it all up. And I’m glad I decided to take my 2nd dose that morning and then lay down on my Shakti Mat and NOT MOVE. I didn’t allow myself to run away (there were like 3000 impulses to do so). I had to feel it all out in my heart. It was uncomfortable. But I could hold it. Not that it was easy, but again, life doesn’t give you easy tasks, but exactly what you can just handle. Without those clarities and openings the ten days before, it probably (very likely!) would not have felt right to take the mushrooms that day. So I’m glad how it turned out.
Now in hindsight, it looks like the perfect timing. It opened Pandora’s box, yes. But for me that’s a good thing. What’s the alternative? Keeping it all in there? Keeping all the pain and letting it run my life? No, it has to be released at some point. If I wasn’t able to keep my energy centers (chakras) open in the past when a lot of those experiences originally happened, then it needs to be processed at a later time. A lot (or maybe only a tiny fraction) of that processing happened for me over the last days. Another thing I wrote down after the trip was “Purification Process”. I could literally enjoy the headache and all other physical symptoms I had at the end of the day. I remember at one point that I was even joyfully laughing how great that (physical) pain is and how it sets me free. It didn’t decrease the pain, but it certainly decreased the suffering.

Final Words

At least I think those will be the final words I write for today…
I’m glad I started this. It’s late for me to be on the Computer at that time, just minutes before my usual bed time (around 7 pm at that time of the year). Yet I feel released. Like I’ve taken a step forward in the right direction. Not that I have expressed everything. Or even 1%. But that this sets the stage. It feels like I know my medium for the upcoming days. I’ll keep my mouth shut. And let my fingers speak. What about? I don’t know. But I feel like I want to start a small collection. Let’s see what comes out.

• I want to be weak → article/poem

• The Team → “It won’t work”

• Heart-Connection & Sensitivity

• LEAP (truly committing to life) → that’s where it all leads

• One Organism → I cannot NOT pursue it

• The Team → how it could work (three buckets)

• Trust, Commitment & Unknown Territory

• Pain & Resistances → How to change our relationship with them

• Creations → what could happen (books, courses, & more)

• Offline-Life → #1 prio for truly including my genius in a group

• Attracting the right people → organically, fast & slow, “right”

  • wave of pain while typing this → it’s meaningful! → it’s absence hurts

• Sadness

• Un-Consciousness / Un-Awareness → what takes over pretty fast, if I’m not present

• In-Person things → Living with JFK → community → etc.

• Owning my Role

• The Question of my Life → Leadership Dilemma

• other dilemmas → Time & attention → Ownership/Responsibility → ??? (I forgot, have it written somewhere)

Ok nice. Seems like I’ve collected around 50% of what feels relevant. 😀
And each of those alone could very well receive 2-3 days of full attention without being “over-prioritized”. Aaand, I haven’t even gone through my hand-written notes of the last days. Or the last 2 weeks since all of that started.

My heart still burns. And that feels nice. It’s weird to say, as this is what I’ve been running away from all my life. It’s by no means less uncomfortable than a few days ago. Just a much deeper realization that I MUST learn to hold it. Or I fall. And that, paradoxically, feels way worse. Like this afternoon for three hours. Right after I got back from my walk, only 20 minutes after writing the poem. Gone was the connection. Lost was the pain. But not really. Only buried for a moment. I did do things again, nice! So it seems on the surface level. But at what cost? Do I really want to pay that price? I already know the answer… 

I will go to bed now, but I know I will keep writing. I know my subconscious is still very much processing and it will do so for many more days (if I let it). So even without writing, I’m writing. Even without journaling, I’m journaling. Even without looking, I’m seeing a lot.
What I didn’t write earlier, even though it crossed my mind again: Some days before the psychedelic trip I wrote down “watching your heart is more interesting than a movie, more thrilling than the Super Bowl.” Boy, was I right about that. If I knew how much my frame of reference would be blown into proportion only a few days later. Now, one seems like one of those old motion picture-by-picture movies, while the other one feels like a 5D cinema show. I’m afraid that I will forget that. But if I don’t, there is no way I will ever end up on Youtube watching sports again. It’s just too lame… Even if I want thrill & excitement. All of that is always with me, right there within, in my heart. I just need to remember. I just need to remember. Need to remember. Remember. Remember. 

[03.03.25, 6 am]

My heart is still burning,

say when will it stop?

I guess it will never,

just my resistance will drop.

What is it this morning,

that wants to express?

What wants to emerge,

if only I let?

Some part say: Do Breathing!

Some part says: Write first!

Which one is to follow?

I’ll write this one burst.

I might already stop soon,

just follow the call.
From moment to moment,

There is nothing more,

yeah really, that’s all.

The fears that come up now,

say: “Do this!” , “Plan that!”

Yes, they contain some truth,

But: Not like that!

Don’t want to be guided,

by those fears & pain.

They overreact,

if they’re not contained.

I do want to hear,

what they have to say.

But: feel it out first,

then look at the way.

The way they have pointed,

in all their confusion.

Sometimes it’s of value,

Often just a delusion.

The big bad-ass shadow

is actually just that.

A disturbance of light,

not really a threat.

If I could see clearly,

not much will go wrong.

This germ is to help me,

to grow all along.

I just need to hold it,

stay present with it.

Hold open my heart,

let it flow through, that’s it.

Not supposed to guide action,

they just point me within,

where is still disturbance,

that keep me locked in.

That keeps me from freedom,

the one that is real,

where nothing can shake me,

no matter what comes.

Let’s get back to breathing,

open the heart a bit more,

I can still feel it burning,

yet I know: there is more.

More that wants to finally,

make it’s long way through.

That’s been held back to long,

that’s true for me, and for you.

So I will conclude now,

what else can I say?

I have at least expressed some parts,

so: let’s start the day…

[03.03.25, 7:30 am]

This is an experiment today. Writing even though I’m not fully connected to my heart. And see if it is actually possible that it happens precisely through the writing itself. Do I feel more pain after writing a few of those lines? Or do I get even further away from it? Right now it seems to be the former. So I will continue.

Overwhelm

I want to talk about overwhelm. Probably I want to process my overwhelm, so I can deal with it more beautifully today.

What words come up when I say overwhelm? Moving. Money. Packing. Finding the place. Team. Communication. Laptop/Freewrite. Food. “Planning vs. Flow”. Cleaning. Forcing things at a certain time. Time. It all has to do with time. None of the points itself is overwhelming or stressful. But the combination is. To get them all covered in a specific time-frame. For example: I “have to” leave this appartment tomorrow, while  don’t have a place yet where I will stay until the new place is available (in a week). I also don’t have enough money on the bank account right now to pay for the new place. None of those things by itself is really stressful. Even the money thing. I actually enjoy those situations as they get me to reflect how I want to deal with it financially. I have no doubt that I would get the money I “need” if I contacted the right people. But taking time to contact them, “explaining” the situation, providing context, deciding who to prioritize, set up a time & date in case I don’t reach them immediately. There is a lot that comes with it. And right now I just want to spend time and feel. Feel what is in my heart. Open it again the moment it tends to close. So basically I would like to just spend the whole day in nature. Or back and forth. But organizing an apartment to stay? Organizing the money to pay for the place to stay? Moving, including setting up the new place & leaving the old place behind beautifully? Being in touch with the team at the same time and doing the things that actually provide a cashflow (in this example)? That’s quite a lot at once. So time. My perception of time rather. The feeling that I HAVE TO do those things within the next 24/72/whatever hours. I’m not in the Now. My attention jumps to the future. And my heart reacts. Or probably that’s why my attention jumps into the future. It’s hard to tell what comes first. Maybe it starts with the pain that comes up. The pain of not being close enough with a group of people where such situations could be handled gracefully & easily. The pain that it would be possible. The pain that I myself played my part that this isn’t the case yet. I could probably name a thousand more “pain-reasons”, yet one thing is clear: it’s there. And if I don’t tend to my heart, it tends to close. If it’s too painful to be present, my attention wanders to the future, the overwhelm, anxiety, fear, etc. sign in. So here we are. I’m in a weird middle-state. The overwhelm doesn’t really control me, yet I can feel it’s there and trying to control. I’m connected with the pain more than I was at the beginning of the writing, yet I don’t really feel free either. Which means I don’t feel it completely, there is no release. And not like multiple waves just coming one after the other, but in the sense that the first wave is not really passing through. It’s stuck. So what will I do? If I already knew what’s the right thing to do right now, what would it be? Tend to it! Close the computer and just lay here. Even if it’s for another hour. Trust that if I truly feel it, the clarity how to act, juggling all those balls at the same time, will naturally arrive. But I need to trust! Trust exists only in this moment. Not later. Now. So let me trust now and do what I know is right. Close the computer. Tend to the heart…

Back at 8:15 am

I’m back. With a new overwhelm.

It seems to me that intense love is equally hard to hold as intense pain. At least that’s how it is to me. I try to avoid it as well. I look away, do things to numb. Even in moments the actual energy seems to be a “positive” one, like it is right now.

I did tend to my heart, felt the fire of yoga multiple times, released the pain. And then, after 20 minutes or so, ideas started to flow in. A message to JAK here, an idea for an online course (“From Mind Dominance to Living in the Heart”) there, a message to the team, a message to the followers of the NLE. They all arrived “ready to be shipped” within minutes. But how do I express that in those little remaining minutes that I have these days (#time perception overwhelm)? I don’t. Each of those would take me at least 15 mins to put into “reality”. Yet in 15 minutes at least 10 new ideas of the same scope would arrive. So what to do? The answer is obvious to me know, but usually I have difficulty seeing it in that moment: Let go. Let go of those ideas & visions as much as of the pain. Holding on to something positive is as much as a Samskara, as holding on to (or avoiding) something negative. They both block me from being free. So what do I do? I write in this diary. Does that make the situation easier? No. And yes. I feel connected to my heart. I feel less overwhelm. I still feel the joy & love. Pretty intensely. More intensely than ever, except for a few rare, special occasions. But while writing? That never happened! I wrote about, spoke about those moments, but never OUT OF those moment. At least not fully. Not to the extent it feels true right now. Usually they were fading images, getting weaker by the minute. Now they are re-inforcing, it almost feels like they’re getting stronger with every word I write. At least the intensity stays. It’s hard to explain…

Quick poem

I want to keep writing,

keep want to express.

Though is it the right thing?

I don’t know if yes…

I feel there is more here,

excitement at play,

the energies swirling,

I better beware.

The overexcitement

might soon lead of track.

It may keep me from feeling,

& soon I fall back.

Fall back into numbness,

fall back into robot,

not really connected

with what’s going on.

The heart is so subtle,

it’s easy to miss,

with all of loud sounds,

vice masked as bliss.

The greatest creation

is nothing of worth,

if not from a place born,

connected to the heart.

While pain as the “enemy”

is obvious and far.

Excitement is not so,

it’s subtle & near.

Both though have impact,

me not being here.

Stop me from being present,

and soon losing my dear…

My dear, yet still weak, connection

to the heart, my best friend.

The place I call home now,

if, yes if I attend.

Attend to it fully,

no but’s and no if’s.

Only in this very moment,

in the present it lives.

I do could continue,

like this now for days,

Yet is this the right thing?

Or is it just nice?

I know if I listen,

then life will me tell,

I do take a pause now,

and keep list’ning as well.

Back at 9:45

The experiment continues. I can easily say: I lost it. While I was eating breakfast, I wasn’t connected to my heart. I came back into the room here and felt fast, slightly hectic. The kind of feeling I always had when something was going on inside and I knew I better take a pause and don’t act from it.

Actually, that was one of the insights I had earlier. Why that felt right and how it might change now. So I was already sensitive to this restlessness within my body. And acting from that restlessness never led to good things in my experience. I ended up being off-track, even if I started putting the restless energy into something really useful in the beginning. I might have created a few articles or did some other creation. But every time when it didn’t come out of calmness, but out of restlessness, I would also end up on Youtube later. Or overeat. Or feel exhausted in another sense. So pausing was a good idea. And actually the most efficient thing in the longrun.
Now I can see what was happening there: Pain knocked at the door of my heart. It wanted to flow through. And as I wasn’t able to open up & release it “on the go”, while doing whatever I was doing, I needed to step back. Otherwise the disturbed energy would sooner or later run my life. So I paused and processed. In hindsight, I don’t think I felt all of the pain though. Only some. The rest would just go back underground. But the wave had passed. And so I could act from calmness & clarity again, rather than from restlessness. A bit got truly released, the rest went hiding again, but the wave was through.
I’m curious how this is going to change now. Will I be able to keep acting a lot more, even if I feel fast inside? Will I be able to process it “on the go” only by shifting my focus slightly and opening my heart? Maybe even including it in whatever I do… I can see a lot of scenarios where this could become part of the creation. The tone might change, the topic certainly does. But who says that this isn’t exactly what is supposed to happen, even on the Intuition-Academy Landing Page. Right now certainly, it works.

The pressure in my heart hasn’t faded since the first line. It even expanded to other areas of the heart that I can also feel more intensely now. Still mostly the left side though, it’s interesting.

The Overwhelm greets again

Ok, so let’s address this a bit deeper. This is more the creation overwhelm, the things I want to do and put out in the world, less the situation around the moving (but this will come back as well, I’m sure!). Let’s see what’s present…

What Question could I ask myself? What do I use as a starting point?

Let’s go with collecting once again. Question: If I had a week with infinite time for any sort of creation, what would I do?

• Website Update (first page)

• Intuition-Academy Landing Page (multiple versions)

• Collect ideas for books I will write

• Recap my Psychedelic experience in depth (!)

• Formulate the Leadership Dilemma and the other dilemmas of my life

• set up a Bring Together post for attracting the right people

• set up a workflow for the team 

• write articles on the → How can we work together at all?

• Recap all MVP books

• Write out all Mottos To Live By

• write a new Upwork Team Post

• Update LEAP (!!!)

I pause. Not because the flow is stopped. No. Because the computer keeps hanging. A situation that would have caused a lot of frustration in the past. Now only a little. But combined with a lot of burning in the heart. Feels more pure. Or even purifying. Doesn’t necessarily feel “nicer” than the frustration though. Just more right. That’s how it’s supposed to be. Let it flow through. Release all the old stuff that has been stored. 

I continue writing offline & then upload it later…

…

Well, it took another 5-10 minutes before I could even use the file offline. I will pause now first. Maybe I’m back in 5 minutes, maybe this will be a longer break. We will see…

[12:30 pm] Another Round of today’s Experiment

I’m still in the same process. I feel disconnected. I try to re-connect. I don’t quite make it (sometimes more, sometimes less). I decide to just open the laptop & write. And: I do immediately feel more connected again. As always, not in a comfortable way. It’s still a weird feeling in the heart, especially that consistently. Once in a while, ok, but a constant pressure-release, hot-cold, expansive sensation in the heart is… well… still unknown territory for me. So I keep exploring…

What is it that I would like to do now? Let’s collect first, then maybe go to action. What comes to mind first?

Message to the team. Sharing “all this”. What else? Anselm. Can wait. He might call. Or I call him later. Trust.
More? Sharing this file with other people. Rather sooner than later. Otherwise it get into procrastination. On the other hand: Don’t want to invest a lot of time for that, especially not online, especially not now. Dilemma.
Write an investor/loan message. Nice. Would like to follow that soon. But: not now. Trust
Let’s get momentum going. Just start with the Team message. Keep it short. Send it out.

…

I did. For curious souls, here it is.

Is there more? Anything else that feels like it’s time to do it RIGHT NOW?
Or do I just go outside? And trust that everything will come back as and when it’s supposed to?

[6 pm] Too Much Love to hold

Outside I went. And while the first part was a struggle, the second part was pure joy & love.
I asked myself earlier today which book I could re-read now after this heart-opening (by now it feels like a proper heart-opening for sure). Walking on the river with Untethered Soul in my right hand skimming through it a little bit in order to find paragraphs that I could learn to recite by heart, I realized. It’s this book! With that new clarity I read a few of the marked section and heard myself say “fuck yes” or “hell yeah” or just outright laugh about the truth in those lines. I was always inspired by that book, now I KNOW what he’s talking about. 

But first – and as usual today – I want to reconnect to my heart. Because somewhere on the last meters I lost that connection. Not because of some “negative” overwhelm, but because I literally couldn’t hold all the love that was pouring through my heart.

[I actually ended up starting to write the notes on [notes] [book] The Untethered Soul - Michael Singer]

[04.03.25, 6:30 am]

Next day, same procedure. Writing early. Pouring my heart out in words. But: this time I check in, already feeling connected to my heart. What’s present?

• “My Heart Closes at Night”

• Bring Together posting

  • People with heart open (intention)

  • letting go what’s holding back (Osteopath metaphor)

• overwhelm → moving + unclear where + not prepared anything yet

• today = facing fears & overwhelm → chance to practice “staying open” during whirlwind, while in action

• new book = 113 Metaphors for Life

• team desire: find the gold → x10 in niches & hidden pockets → silver & platinum

The scared part of me would like to start packing now, start cleaning the kitchen, put on a first washing machine. This untrusting part wants to call Anselm now, to get clarity on his support later and call the other “emergency options” right after if he is not available. My heart burns while writing those last words. I don’t want to let that scared little part of myself run my life. Yet it still takes a lot of courage and willpower to just stay with the heart, go slow, not act, even if anything objectively seems to shout “START NOW!”.

What do I want to write about today? Right now I mean. The answer already arrived with the third word of typing the question: My Heart Closing at Night.

My Heart Closes At Night

This morning I woke up and could see clearly how my heart closes at night. Shocking? Not really. That’s what I’ve trained it to do over the last 30+ years. I realized how it took me much longer after waking up to establish that true heart connection in the morning than at any other moment during the day. And that is, it seems, without a lot going on. I come from the longest rest-period of my day and I had no inputs for a very long time. Yet: I do feel the disturbances. And I can see how now: Life is not only bringing up the pain to be processed during the day, but also during the night. Especially during dreams, old memories and disturbing situations come up that I haven’t fully released yet. The stored energy patterns are at work as they always are. And as it still takes a lot of willpower and conscious action at this stage for me to open my heart, it’s default reaction to those disturbances coming up is what? Closing. And as my conscious will is at sleep during the night, that’s what it does. It might process some of the energies, but sooner or later, it’s capacity to stay open will end. And so the heart will close. Maybe that’s also why I oftentimes felt so much more calm waking up in the middle of the night (before the main dream sleep phase started) than when I woke up after a full night of sleep, after 10 hours in bed, a lot of them early morning REM sleep.

At least that’s how it feels to me. The earlier I wake up the more likely my heart is still open. Or at least not completely locked. During the day it often feels that a little push is enough to re-open the door. Just a little conscious effort tending to the heart, a few fully present breaths, a bit of relaxing of the shoulders, chest & face muscles, and here it is again, that nice burn in my heart. Yet in the mornings it’s different. I oftentimes lay there for 30 minutes or longer, breathing in my heart and trying to relax, before the first real burn starts. I might “feel” my heart immediately in the sense that I can focus on it and realize it’s beating. But what I can feel is that it’s still closed. It takes much longer to feel connected to an OPEN heart.

Inviting the Overwhelm

Let’s pause that topic for a second…
After the last sentence I paused and assumed I would continue writing up there, yet I could feel the contraction. It was more like forcing it to continue than following life’s call right in this moment. It’s back now, the feeling of alignment. Even though I don’t yet know what I will write.

Probably it’s addressing the overwhelm a bit, inviting it to today’s party.

Let’s name it to tame it: What are all the things I want to do today. What’s on the “disturbance list?”

• Clarity on where I will stay the next 3 nights (or mostly upcoming night)

• Clarity where I can bring my stuff, if it’s not Anselm’s AKW

• Clarity if anyone will help me to transport everything

• Cleaning the bedroom

• starting two washing machines

• cleaning the kitchen (incl. fridge)

• packing

• buying groceries to fill up what I took + what I want to leave behind

• bringing my stuff to the store place (probably 2 walks/bike rides if without help)

• take a shower (!)

• clean the bathroom

• let ML know about the table (if not picked up)

Ok, I’m probably forgetting a few small things, but the flow has stopped. Do I feel overwhelm when I look at the list? Yes. Is it as much as yesterday? No. It feels already handable after naming it. Yet also not like a super fun day.
How can I fully own it? Fully take responsibility for what I do so that I enjoy every part of and nothing feels like a “must”? There are not musts! I’m fully responsible for my choices. Do I want to do it including EVERYTHING? Yes → do it. No → don’t do it.

Do I want to leave the place “nice” EVEN THOUGH I wouldn’t choose the cleaning actions in a different context? Yeah, kind of. I don’t want to force it. Not if it comes at a bigger expense. So I want to be honest to myself about that. Worst case I will take the blame and hate from ML, but know I acted inaccordance with my truth. Yet: I also don’t want that she’s paying the price. Clarity: If I feel like it’s getting to an either-or point and I’m about to choose to not clean everything nicely, I will first ask a few friends for support, rather than just not doing it.

[7:30 am] Breathing or not?

After a pause, some burns and a lot of “bringing it back”, I had the impulse to do breathing. Not jus any breathing, but a long, 1 hour breathing. Immediately the “I don’t have time for that”, scared part inside of time came back into existence. “Losing” one more hour when I’m already behind? That makes it worse. Especially as this one hour usually leads to another 30-60 minutes processing. Waaaay to long! How about do a quick 20 min breathing? That’s also good, isn’t it?

Yeah… kind of. But I don’t want to let that scared part run my life. If it leads to constant negotiations that still means he’s running my life. Even if I don’t follow it’s first impulse of “Just get started” it is still manipulating my truth constantly. So… what would I do if I would totally trust? If I honored the scared part and listened to it’s deeper needs, but didn’t follow it’s superficial advice?

Clear as the sky: I would do the one hour breathing now. And it’s not even that I want to do it… It’s the breathing that brings up most resistances. To start, most and foremost. Resistance, resistance, resistance.
Let’s go. Let’s breath. Let’s let go.

[9:45 am] I do NOT want to write

But if I do not write now, it would not be authentic.
I would only not do so, because of the others that read it.

I do not want to write, do not want to express.
Yet I know it’s the right thing, I will regret doing less.

What’s the part that holds back, the part that wants to avoid?

It’s vulnerable, small, fragile; it’s the part close to the wound.

The wounded aloneness, the me that feels lonely.

That wants to be supported, wants to be held by a group.

I want to be weak, to be allowed to be fully.
Want to be cared for, not only when it goes smooth.

If I’m at my worst, if I’m not closely enlightened,

those are the moment that I need others most.

And yes I do see, how not caring helps also,

how through the pain that follow I certainly grow.

Yet would I have to lie, if I said this felt true.
If I said that this would come from a place of love through.

I don’t think it is, I believe it’s a story.

A story that keeps, from feeling pretty strong pain.

…

I have no idea what I’m doing here. There is literally nothing that changed from earlier, except that I had a beautiful breathing journey (after the initial resistance). But I know I’m vulnerable right now. I know that the pain that comes up right now is close to one of my deepest wounds: Loneliness. Abandonment.

I can see how the protection mechanisms get much stronger than with most other pain that came up over the last days. My mind produces more reasons, sees more faults in others, or even conspiracies. The numbing impulse gets stronger.

I kind of want to write about all that but… First, I don’t even know how to express it in words. And Secondly, I don’t want to involve other people here without asking them first.

So what do I do? How do I move forward? How do I bring in contact the vulnerability that’s there? Can I just keep writing, keep it all anonymous? Or do I take a pause and feel a bit more? Am I not feeling right now? Then I should certainly take a pause. Re-connect to the intention: Only write if it brings you closer to your heart. Closer to an open heart.

What would I say if I wasn’t afraid? No fear of hurting someone, no fear of being misunderstood, no fear of causing some other pain in me or others.
I would say that I… words don’t come out. I started the sentence multiple times. But it feels weird. …

I will just drop words now, not as sentences, just like that. That will make it easier.

Pain. Being cared for. Just feeling. Others. Being held. Space being held for me to just feel. Sadness. Not receiving support. Not being seen. Not being cared for. Only by the mind. Not from the heart. The closest people = the biggest pain. My projections. Their projections. Projecting projections. Longing. One Organism. Team. Group of people. True belonging. Longing. Belonging. True caring. From the heart. At least trying to. Not avoiding. Pain. Reminder to soften. Not only focus on heart, but relax. It ain’t over. Softer. Lighter. Still heavy. What can I let go? How can I open? Heart. Burns. Opens more. Thankfulness. Michael Singer, Untethered Soul. I want to be free. Let go now. How? Focus. Relax. Release. Now. Not later. Now. It’s the greatest gift. Purification of the heart. Freedom of the soul. Let it happen. enjoy it. Smile. Stay with it. Don’t leave to early. There is more. The next wave is coming. There it is. More pure. More intense. Less projection, same pain. Maybe more. The heart burns. I can feel it while typing. Sadness. Tears. Vulnerability. Pause. Really? Why? Doesn’t matter. Trust. Pause. Now. Turn around. Lay down. Now.

[06.03.25, 5:30 am] Back after moving to new place

One day without entry,

it does feel like ages.

But not without writing

that would be outrages.

I feel it’s still flowing,

still wants to be expressed,

in this way of writing,

even after a day rest.

This is the first time I feel like writing a diary entry as you first learn it as a child: Telling your diary about what happened, outside and inside. Not sure if I want to recall the events of the last 24+ hours for myself or for someone else or for the mysterious diary being. But probably that doesn’t matter, so why not just start.

Dear Diary, …

Dear Diary,

The last two days have been eventful. After the morning of the day I had to move out I went outside to the river to gain clarity on how to move forward. I had the idea to take a pause and then finally get in action. That’s not what happened. Sitting at my favorite bench, I felt really disconnected, and with every small move I took I felt more pain, but less openness in my heart. It was really hard to stay open. Actually I didn’t manage to stay open. I was back into more of a struggle-energy, wanting to release the pain, but not being able to do so, fighting it, resisting it in some way.

So I just sat there. Or lay. Or stood. I felt kind of restless as well. I wanted to “get it over”, get through, open my heart again, but I didn’t really appreciate the Now. I was staring at the water, looked for some new places where I could be Siddharta just looking at the river, not noticing anything else around me. But except for super short moments of joy/release it didn’t really “help”.
To be honest, I don’t know what happened, how I made the switch, but at some moment, I remember, I chose to enjoy what is, including the struggle. And that’s when it changed. Soon thereafter, I could feel my heart again, feel the pain, also feel the joy. I remember thinking of Gandhi, Abdul Ghaffar Khan and Mandela, and the struggles they went through, realizing how ridiculous my one’s are in this moment. So however it happened, after 2 hours or so, I felt connected again, went back to the bench and saw that Anselm called me. As I was already emotional and open in my heart, I almost started crying in this moment. It was really really close. Anselm was the person I projected most unto in the morning, when the pain around not being supported came up. I already sent him a voice message that I saw those projections coming up, but in the moment I saw that he called I knew that he was there for me. So I almost cried.

The rest of the day is pretty easy to tell: packing, getting ready so that Anselm can pick up my stuff with the car, cleaning the rest of the flat afterwards. Going to the “new temporary place” (Anselm’s AKW) and go to sleep. Obiously, as I delayed all the “movement matters” for so long, it got quite late. I arrived at the new place after a quite peaceful nightly bike ride at just before 10 pm, around 3 hours after my usual bed time. But it was good like that. That was the price I was paying for choosing to feel instead of forcing a smooth flat transition. I knew it could happen that I would need to spend that time at the end if I didn’t want to pay the price of not doing it at all and leaving it dirty for the actual inhabitant of the flat to return. So I spent those hours at night and I’m glad I did.

Yesterday then, I spent almost the whole day outside. I woke up quite late (just after 6 am), Anselm came by around 7 and after we talked a bit and realized it’s not the right thing to go deep together today, he left at 9 am, and – after I prepared some food for the day – I went outside at 10 am, spending the whole day outside until I arrived back at 6 pm, falling into bed shortly after. I wrote my absoluely favorite poem so far (“Sometimes I wonder”), met Anselm, Mia & Linne by accident once more, and reflected on how I would live differently (or not), if I had large sums of money available again. I will share all those later, when I transfer my Journals. For now, I would like to stop this writing and re-focus on connecting with my heart. I just realized that I hadn’t really checked in with that for the time of this entry, so I will do it know… 🙂

The Dilemma of My Life

Anselm told me yesterday about a little struggle of his. He received a message from someone that he might potentially reply to. He received an idea how to start the message. With a certain sentence that would only work as the first sentence, not as a second or third. The power and magic of it lies in being the first sentence. Then later on, after this first inspiration for a first sentence, he got another one, another first sentence that would only work as such, not as a second or third. He ended up with 5 “first sentences”, knowing he could only pick one. What to do?

Well, it seems like my whole life is like that. I don’t only see 10 options for the first domino, but then another 10 second dominos for EACH of the 10 first ones. And the same thing for the third domino and so on. That’s the overwhelm I often talk about. It’s literally limitless. The options are infinite. I see so many beautiful ways forward that – if I end up in the mind rather than the present moment – I will struggle to choose. Every idea feels like an unborn beautiful baby and choosing one means killing all those other beautiful babies. And that’s how it is. The other ideas actually die in this moment, you cannot transfer them to later, cannot hang on to them, be attached to them. They might show up again later in a similar form, but it will be a slightly different idea by then in a slightly different context of my own life and the world at large. The original unborn baby is gone forever. Yes, I might get pregnant again later, but it’s not going to be this exact same child. Can you feel the pain of that? I oftentimes can’t. And that’s why I struggle. The Buddha would call that sort of attachment the root of all suffering. And he is right. If I don’t manage to let go, which included feeling the pain completely, then I’m fighting against reality, because reality is that death at every crossroad, at every moment. And fighting against reality is madness, is insanity, is suffering. “If you’re fighting with reality you lose. But only, only one hundred per cent of the time.” (#Byron Katie). Writing this right now, I can see how this form a huge part of my struggle. Not so much the pain of a situation of what is, but the pain of unused potentials. I actually had a similar insight about the “unused potential” thing at the start of my “Entering a new level of consciousness - LIVE” thing, I can’t exactly remember where/when/in what exact context. But yeah, this “not wanting to let unborn babies die” attachment must be big for me. I want to feel that pain a lot more! Can I feel it right now? What are the unborn babies I’m letting die right now?

A collection of unused potentials of this moment

• Message to James & Melodie

• Normal Life Experiment - BIG halftime Recap at 6:30 am (timing would have mattered)

• opening my heart more (vs. writing)

There is more, obviously, but I could already feel the burn in my heart, so I will pause now & tend to it. What good would it be to keep collecting things and not feel the pain in this moment, when the purpose of collecting is to feel more of that pain?

[09:20 am] Collective Surrender

I just wanted to leave and go outside for the rest of the day. But now the impulse arose to transfer one more text from the day I moved (what brought me into the late night cleaning session). Written at the river on a sunny day, when I objectively “had other things to do”, but decided to just be present and listen to nature & within:

I want to fully surrender to the purification power of life’s flow.

And I want to do so together with others who share that commitment.

Maybe the “with others” part is a way for me to avoid taking full responsibility on my own.
Or maybe it is exactly stepping into my unique responsibility; maybe I can see how together much deeper levels of purification will happen; maybe the together part is the next step in evolution and precisely what life wants, expressing it through my pain & desire.

Maybe resting with the individual surrender would be me avoiding my full responsibility, I don’t know. What I do know is what feels right to me, what feels to be the true calling. And I cannot pretend that this doesn’t involve the “other people”. It does.

Not in a way that leaves the door open for pushing individual responsibility away, passing it on to the group and hiding behind the responsibility gap of others.
No, in a way that magnifies both, unique & collective ownership. In a way that makes it harder to avoid one’s own responsibility, because part of everyone else’s (and the group’s) responsibility is to hold each other accountable for exactly that, for showing up and NOT hiding.

[18:00] Dear Diary, … #2

Dear Diary,

Today was a bit weird. I kind of had a nice day. But I know: I wasn’t fully connected to my heart. And certainly not fully open. A few weeks ago I probably would have called that a “good day”, as there were no major pitfalls or anything like that. But with my new access to what’s possible, I know that this wasn’t it. Not the level of burn when there was pain, not the level of ecstacy when there was love. I think that was the first time since the mushroom trip that I haven’t been able to establish a real connection once over a longer period of time. Really short moments, yes. But nothing lasting.

How do I feel now? Kind of numb as well. Also not obviously, but I realize my heart is not fully active. So how else to describe it as numb? Not fully alive. Not in deep inner peace, not in liberating pain, the grey in-between state. An in-between state where there is no in-between state possible. At least not one that is in alignment with Life. So where do I go from here? Do I keep journaling, hoping I can establish that connection as it worked a few days ago? Or do I just shut it off, meditate a bit and then go to bed? It actually does feel like, writing brings me closer to my heart right now. I cannot tell exactly, but I already feel a bit lighter. A tiny bit only, yet the first domino can be small and still have a huge impact.

If there was anything that would want to emerge from that state, what would it be?
The first thing that comes up is “something related to my pain, not my visions”. Something around vulnerability, speaking from that place of desire & longing. I didn’t receive a clear image yet, but that abstract image was pretty clear. How could that look like? Would I write some further poems? What would they be about? Or do I express my pain in a different way? A word-by-word association? A fluent text taking about my sadness? All seem nice, nothing created a clear Yes at this moment. So I will wait. To my right there is a sign that says “Can you remain unmoving, until the right action arises by itself?” It’s from the Tao Te Ching, one of my all-time favorite books to quote and read.
[observing an impule to eat right in this moment] So can I? Can I remain still? Even when all the voices inside want to act? I’ve been there before. I will be there many many more times in the future.

Let me turn around for a while and lay on my back. Wait some more and see what happens.

[fell asleep soon thereafter]

[07.03.25, 7:15 am] Heart Connection Ceasing

I feel kind of peaceful and agited this morning at the same time. It’s been one of those days that I slept long and realized how my subconscious is processing stuff in my dreams. And as my heart doesn’t stay fully open at night, I feel quite shaken up in the mornings. Like I’ve went to some really stressful events. Sleep xD.

On the other hand, I lay awake for a while after waking up and a different kind of calm has entered my system. So with this I’m checking in here, not feeling completely open in my heart yet, but also not far away from it. There! I feel it in exact this moment. So… where do I go from here today? I will spend most of my day outdoor again – and as I don’t have a really portable lightweight gadget so far – these 2 hours now will be the last on the computer. What comes to mind first how to use them?

• Anselm’s memos. Still haven’t listened to them. Great way to connect to my heart; it will be active.

• NLE update/framing. 2 perspectives. Highest potential even within the NLE = OneOrganism behavior. JFK’s optimal environment for playing this puzzle-piece role. If not OneOrganism then… (notes from yesterday)

• Message to James/Melodie. Not as present anymore as it was yesterday. Wait for the flow.

• Money/financial. Would come out of fear, not clarity. Keep waiting. Keep trusting. Use fear for purification of the heart.

That’s it. More things seems to swirl around in the cosmos but RIGHT NOW they don’t feel present. I will start with Anselm’s memos. Then see where it leads.

[08.03.25, 9:15 am] Outdoor day with Laptop

[98%]

I’m out in nature typing this. The first day that I have a technical device with me, offline of course, as I only need the writing function. Finding a beautiful “solution” for that was the main takeaway from a few days ago, when the clarity “JFK needs to be offline & outdoor” resurfaced. But then, I also wanted to honor the part that wants to express immediately, put something in a file or document. And so I adapted my “optimal outdoor life equipment”, adding a lightweight technical device. Today is the test day with a Microsoft Surface I lend from Mia, Anselm’s wife. Gathering some data so I can get insights what is a right fit. What size works well? What weight is still okay? How about the contrast on the screen with sunlight? How about the battery life? Let’s see what comes out of that 2-day test…

3 days without a fully open heart

Speaking about more important things: The last 2,5 days have been kind of the same, feeling mostly “good” and inspired, yet also not totally open. Less pain, but also less aliveness in general. It’s funny that I say that, as 1-2 months ago those days would have felt like the pinnacle of what I’m capable of. A lot of creative ideas, a lot of flow to bring them to paper, little (obvious, time-consuming) numbing. Great. But now they feel kind of blunt in comparison to what I now know is possible.

…

Oh, I love it. Just had the first mini yoga session and could feel the joy of that way of life. Being prepared with food and everything else I need for a day and then spend every possible (“weather fit”) day outside. There is no way this will not hugely benefit my capacity to serve. There is just so much more clarity, so much more grounding, so much more deep connection when you’re listening to the birds, feel the soft wind & the warming sun, and look 40km in the distance over the mountains. Likelihood to get off-track = 90% less. Likelihood to truly let life express through me, without letting my own personal agenda get involved = 90% higher.
Let’s continue walking. I’ll be back with more entries today, I’m sure. 

[87%]

[09.03.25, 7:15 am]

That’s one of the days where I would like to write about EVERYTHING. Where so many images appear to me in the morning that I could fill 3 days writing just about those. I realize: I’m still attached. I still don’t want to let go, don’t want to pay the price of letting some babies die.

So… [I paused at that momen and started a Team Message, that does touch on a lot of the topics I would have writing about right now here in the diary. My flow is stopped now. I will go out. We’ll see when the next entry is. Yesterday, there was actually none more after the initial morning check-in from out there in nature.

[10.03.25, 7 am] Numbing = The desperate attempt of the Heart to feel itself?

It’s been four or five days now. Four or five days without a “real” access to my heart. I was even a bit shocked when I realized yesterday that even in the moments that I feel my heart, it feels more like “one piece” again. It would be really hard for me to distinguish between what happens at the left bottom region vs. the top right, or inside vs. outside. It’s like I zoomed out again. Part of me wants to freak out about that, another part it just like: “interesting”.
And this has nothing to do with the mushrooms. The first time I noticed that I could feel my heart in more nuances was at least a week or so before the psychedelic trip. That was also the time when I said “Watching your own heart is more interesting than a Hollywood movie, more thrilling than the SuperBowl”. And it’s true. While I had that access there was little to no impulse for me to go on Youtube, numbing in general. Whereas yesterday, I ended up on … Youtube. I even felt shame around it earlier, kind of tried to find a way how to avoid writing about it in the diary. Yet that’s what happened. And obviously it wasn’t really fulfilling, but I forgot. I forgot that watching the own heart is waaay more interesting. Or: it’s because right now it isn’t so interesting after all. Right now, without that zoomed in, super nuanced connection, it is just a thing beating. It’s still interesting to observe it for a few minutes, but I wouldn’t have the idea now to call it “more thrilling than the SuperBowl”. So, it’s gone. I’m officially back to “old normal”. And I have no idea “how to get back”. Back to the state where the heart feels like the most interesting thing to watch. Back to this elevated state of aliveness that exceeds everything else that I know. How to get back? That’s a nice question to create a new attachment, to try to “make something” happen, that can only happen by itself. I didn’t make it happen the first time, so why do I believe I need to make it happen this time? Just accept where I’m at. Enjoy the phase that I’m in right now. Who knows what gifts that brings and of what purpose it is. So writing this is my intention to let go. Letting go of any goal, of any place “to get to”, of forcing. Allowing things to unfold in their own way. Stepping out of the way and observing.

What I’m curious to see: Maybe any numbing is basically a desperate attempt of the heart to feel itself. That’s how it seems to me right now. If I don’t feel that deep deep aliveness, but on some level sense that I have access to, then there is a part of my being that drives me into that direction. When the healthy ways don’t work (e.g. facing the fears that come up daily and feel how the heart burns moving through them instead of avoiding them), it re-adjusts to the more unhealthy ways. Anything that would allow me to feel myself. Writing this it kind of feels contradictory to how I talked about numbing before. Numbing would usually be a way of AVOIDING pain, of not feeling oneself. And not I say that it is the desperate attempt to actually feel itself. And the crazy thing: Both feel totally true. There is no doubt in my mind that this is exactly the same thing, only looked at from another angle. I cannot put it into words yet, and I’m not going to try right now, but rather stay in this natural writing flow. But for me is clear since this morning: The less I’m connected to this (open) heart, the less I feel the nuances & burns, the less I watch the “movie of the heart”, the more I will have the impulse to numb. No question about it. No doubt.

And as it seems that I’m entering a phase of “less nuanced connection”, I will be able to observe a lot of that in action. Maybe life brings me in that situation so I can feel the pain of not being able to feel (the pain). Weird thing to write. And yet it feels true. I’ve been in that state before. It was creative, often flowy, very productive. And yet I’ve never been in that state while realizing that this is waay below my highest aliveness. Way below my new best. We will see.
Yesterday I said that the next 1-2 days feel like another fork in the road, more decisive days. Will there be another round of my Entering a New Level of Consciousness - LIVE? Or will I transition back to normal? The last time I said that, I took the mushrooms two days later. We will see what happens this time. It feels more likely that I will transition more into a “plateau” phase, but maybe life asks me to regain that access without the help of psychedelics (or even cacao). Let me actually “try” now. Take a pause from writing and just attend to my heart for 20 minutes. Let’s see if I can still only feel it as “one bump” or if I regain access to the many nuanced regions. Let me try wholeheartedly, without being attached to any outcome, without any attachment. Let’s see what level of aliveness I will experience today. :)

[11.03.25, 8 am]

A lot is present. Another day where I feel like I would love to tackle a million things. All seem exciting, all seem worthwhile, all seem to be of high priority. Let’s get a bit of order into all of what’s going on. I’m curious to see where that leads. It’s hard to predict how my day will unfold.

What is present? Topics only.

• Moving (Ansi + AKW + day)

• Finance (Lea + loan requests + team + JHM)

• Summer vision (outdoor life + watching JFK live + Intuition-Academy)

• Team (finance/Fundraise-Enthusiast + going with my Flow + Upwork)

• FAM (Haircut + Linne + outdoor + Alnatura/Vitalia)

• Lea/new flat (contract? + final details + payment: when & how much)

• Intuition-Academy (Landing Page)

• Owning my role (sentences + free Journal + Team relevance)

• Perfect VA + unreal CPs

• Attracting the right people (WG-Kappel + woofing + Abiturienten-Coaching + ???)

• Anselm (Journal + Check-In)

Ok, that’s a lot. and it doesn’t even feel complete. On the walk earlier there was much much more present. It will come back when it’s supposed to.

How can I bring order into all this? More question. Whats special about today? What is a good fit for that quality of today?

Today is a transition day. In between places, not settled yet. Today is the last sunny & warm day for 10 days (probably). Outdoor = good fit.

That was fast. I already have clarity. I let go of all ideas & just make this another outdoor day. Everything else will fall into place afterwards, when I completely moved to the new place & I will spend a lot of time indoors anyways, as  that will be a natural fit to the weather.

[12.03.25, 11:45 am]

At the new place. Not completely moved in yet, but I have access and the people who rent it to me just left. So basically “under my control” from now on. And as I will be inside a lot those next days (rainy & cold), I’m pretty sure I will also write a lot of diary entries. Or maybe not sure, but rather a strong believe. For now, I just wanted to check-in & collect a little bit for later (similar to yesterday). So: what’s present? If my day had infinite hours – or rather: my next hour had infinite minutes – what would I do?

• set up new space

• write on next Youtube-session → transfer numbing poem

• transfer poems → Future Nostalgia + numbing + more (JAK?)

• Write on Clarity vs. Story (= antithetical)

• Finance next steps → get active

• “Search” flatmates (in the context of “organically attracting the right people”

  • WG-gesucht + Woofing + BringTogether + ???

• Team / “unreal CP’s” → VA-search + Fundraising Enthusiast + LEAP focus

Back at 2 pm

Little correction: The “many” entries will not start today but more likely tomorrow. I’m kind of in “action mode”, setting up the new space and soon Anselm & Linne will come, meaning I will spend even less time on the computer.
For now, my intention is to calm down a bit. I feel a lot of inner hectic, kind of entered a fast mode a few hours ago. And now in a John Wooden sense “Be quick but don’t hurry”. It feels hurried. So actually, let me start by typing slower on Purpose. Feels weird to go intentionally slow on this, but sometimes that’s the right thing to do. It surely is now.

Question: How do I make the last 45 minutes or so (before Anselm & Linne come) the most beautiful?

First thought. Type for another 5 minutes. Take a nap afterwards. Check in again after that, if they’re still not here.

What do I want to about those last few minutes now?
I created a collection with all poems today. Makes it a bit easier to keep track. Some are really nice. Some are quite “raw”. Looking forward to sharpen that saw over the next years & decades.
Also I started setting up a search post for a “flatmate” here. Even though I’m not necessarily searching one, it’s a nice opportunity to practice my “funnels” of organically attracting the right people.

After the Nap

Appearantly I have some more time. Linne is still sleeping, so they will arrive a bit later.

[13.03.24, 8:30 am]

Dear Diary,

I feel a bit weird right now. Somehow full of energy as I had a really good night of refreshing sleep. But also low energy, as I feel very little inspiration and quite some heaviness. Physical energy = high. Emotional/spiritual = low.
Question: What’s a good fit to do in this state? In the past I would have said cleaning or cooking or something like that. And that feel partially true, as I certainly don’t want to do creative work or get in touch with people on projects or anything like that. On the other hand, it also feels like I’m avoiding the feelings and what actually wants to happen. Sport came up next. Also kind of yes, kind of no. Hard to explain. Clarity: It has something to do with feeling. I want to connect with the emotions that are there, open my heart. But then I didn’t have this full heart connection over the last days, so will I just “waste my time” trying? No! Trying to connect with my heart will never be a waste of time. Never. So let’s pause the day and just Hold Space & Wait. I hope this will not be for too long, but probably the “hoping” part is part of the problem, as it means that I’m not fully fine with how it is or how it could evolve. So yeah, maybe it’s supposed to go long, a deeper reconnection with my heart now that I have a place again. Actually, that’s interesting. I lost the connection that I had for 1-2 weeks just the second day after I moved out of the last place to the transition place. Maybe those two things are indeed connected. Maybe now is actually the perfect moment to re-connect. Let’s try!

Back at 12:30 pm

Did it “work”? No. Was it wasted time? Also no. Am I still frustrated? Still in the same state? Yes.
A few moments of inspiration which I almost jumped on, continuing to write the investor pitch or the Intuition Academy Landing Page. But those inspirations were gone as fast as the wind. What stayed = the state from earlier.

[...]

I actually had stopped writing already, wanted to go out. I check the weather forecast/radar and it showed no rain. Luckily I was hesitant and went a bit back & forth with what I wear, until it started raining heavily out of nothing. Now the sun is shining – while it’s still raining. It feels like a perfect metaphor for my state today. Things coming out of nothing. Hard to predict. A bit of sun, a lot of rain. It’s one of those days that remind me of the top sport coaches & mental coaches that I read a lot about in my early self-development days. Having good bad days. That’s what it’s all about. Everyone can have good days. And everyone will have bad days. But what happens on those bad days, that’s what counts. Will the pull me down, even radiating their heaviness out to the good days? Do I get sick because of I end up spening time on youtube with little sleep on a bad day, so that my energy on a good day is bound for recovery instead of going fully into creative expression? Having good bad days means accepting that today is a low, but not allowing the low to have impact on the rest of life. Making the best out of the low. Which usually means: Creating as little as possible harm. It’s not even about doing great things. It’s just about not destroying. That’s where I’m in today. If I stay true to my values and trust, then I will be patient that the creation will follow another day (or maybe even later today). Yet it doesn’t mean that I don’t have a task today. Making the best out of those days might be the most difficult task of all. And maybe there is even a “+3 gain” possible. Some quality I can develop and nurture that wouldn’t be possible to grow on the good days because it’s not really needed. So… let’s go out. The rain is over. The sun is goe again, it’s just “nice & grey”, like my mood. Perfect! Let’s enjoy it.

[14.03.25] The biggest challenge I ever faced?

Words

Frustration. Anger. Helplessness. Loneliness. Challenge. Biggest ever. Two worlds. Satyagraha. Voluntary Suffering. Money. Support. Being cared for. Ansi. Inside out. sadness. crying. no tears coming. frustration. release. something is stuck. Don’t know what. surrender. let go. vulnerability! how? where? when? What am I missing? what am I fighting against? I need help. Fear. Being misunderstood. being misinterpreted. fear of what other people think. Sadness. Still not crying. Sentences.

Sentences

• Life’s intention = Ansi step up → JFK satyagraha (e.g. money)

• It comes down to money → space to feel + go slow + not force it = money for basic needs (& etc)

  • loans easy with business plan & Co. → 

  • it’s NOT about money, but comes down to it / overlaps with it at every intersection because of how (sick) our society is → main expression of isolation/separation

• Frustration that not even the sentences come out as I see/hear them internally.

Words

Numbness. dejection. humbled. Where was I “playing god”? 1) Production rate. yes. No. Both. 2) I can force it (money/success in normal life). Yes. No. that’s not the main thing either. 3) I can do it ALONE. There is something with it. don’t know yet what exactly. More frustration. Not getting anywhere. Journaling doesn’t help. What helps? Am I helpless? Is that the humbling? Is that what I haven’t accepted fully yet? I that what I need to surrender to? Energy coming. Image: Starting with “I’m helpless” on the website. On the Investor pitch. On everything. Owning it completely.

How am I helpless?

• feeling → can’t always when I want to → whose mercy am I at? → if feelings unfelt = no free state → no freedom = no creativity = no creation → no creation guarantee = no support = no team = no money = no basic needs → either I force it (9-5 job o.ä.) or I’m at the mercy of others → life can push me around by bringing up strong emotions from the past that I’m not yet able to “handle” (let flow through)

  • in order to buy free the time to truly learn how to feel, I will work to earn money. Because I work, I don’t have time to truly (!) feel anymore. Only in specific windows at specific times and that’s not how emotions & feelings work. Because I work in a way that isn’t fully aligned, I create more pain in the present, so there is more to feel through, but less capacity to do so.

• Money → same as above, only looked at from different angle → creation + money + predictability

• One Organism → can’t be alone, per definition → can’t “make” others to be ready → only real if intrinsic → not at my disposal at all → biggest desire → biggest pain → brings up emotions, loneliness, wound, sadness → if I can’t feel = cycle from above → no creation = no attraction of new people

• basic needs → either money or other people → other people (e.g. self-sufficient community) = hard to find → takes time, that I would rather spend for feeling or creation → even if found, usually comes with condition → again time & energy bound in something that isn’t the most relevant → dilemma → frustration

• Creation → same as others, only different angle

In all scenarios the only way to break free on a profound, not just on a superficial level, is together. Everything else just leads to one or the other dilemma, maybe avoiding one price here, but paying huge dividends later or in another area (e.g. covering the basic needs, but working way less on “learning how to feel” and thereby passing on traumas to the people around me and infusing the world with my harmful energy)

State Check-In

I do feel a bit more light now. But not a release. Anselm used the metaphor yesterday (before I told him anything) that when he tries to feel into me he gets a headache and it feels like there is something blocked, like a too big piece of furniture that doesn’t fit through the door, no matter how you turn & (try to) twist it. I feel more light now because the piece of furniture is currently not banging on the door, but resting on the ground, being re-adjusted for the next try to get through the door. It’s not like it is already through. That would be a true release. It doesn’t feel like that. I need to expand my door. But how? Maybe that’s where I’m helpless. Maybe it can only be done with the help of others. Maybe I can’t force them to help. On the other hand I know, that I will feel in alignment immediately if I do whatever I’m asked to do. And while I maybe cannot expand the door by myself, I can point out that I need help. I can open up and be vulnerable. And I can also be straightforward, shining the light of awareness where I see other people not stepping up playing their role. I know I will receive hate for that. They will say that I better focus on myself and taking responsibility myself. And it’s probably on me to feel that burn and not retaliate. My body feels hot & cold right now in this moment. Apparently I touched something of importance. Around owning my role. I feel more light now than before and there even was a quick moment of enthusiasm. But I know the big wardrobe is not through yet. It will come back, have a next try. And the door might be (or likely will be) still to small…

10 Minutes later: It’s back

We’re already back. I only went to the toilet and down in the basement. Picking up things for the Tiny House (where I stayed a few days) that I “need” to clean up before the Airbnb guests arrive. On the way up the heaviness came back. I’ll spare interpretations, there are too many of them anyways. But it’s there, so I return to this diary. Some more words:

Sadness_loneliness_sadness_AF+JAK_frustration_anger_overwhelm_fear_heart beat fast_heaviness_big breath_desire_longing_togetherness_belonging_numbing impulse_food_inner cold_throat contracts_looking away_not feeling_want to feel_frustration_online impulse_more numbing_sadness_shame_I can do better_garden_opportunities_overwhelm_owning it_fear_loneliness_AF_throat burn_scratching_crying hint_not really_longing for release_helplessness_desire_being cared for_sadness_absence of support_family_mum_heart contracts_time_prioritize to feel_money_dilemma_does no one see it?_crying_I want to_I can’t_I need more time_team_rent_food_who pays the price?_vulnerability_sound outside_heart +3_AF?_heart skips beats_sadness_numbness_cycle_How to get out?_dilemma_not about getting out_accepting_answering life’s call_will lead “out” automatically_what is life’s call?_feel it_truly feel it_How?_I don’t know_Heart closed_at least not fully open_SMS_hope_disappointment_physical tension_needs time for care_next dilemma_frustration_anger_overwhelm_the three seems to come together_fear as well?_Underscore only works with words, not with sentences_numbness_pause?_anger_more anger than before_

After Crying

Anselm called. Tears started. I hung up and went crying. It’s not through. It wasn’t long. I just left the bed and said “I will be back”. I’m still a bit angry, still sad, still disappointed. I still feel let down by the world. The sentence that I started crying with was “I don’t want to be alone anymore”. Or something like this. Doesn’t feel quite that was it.

What I say while crying (or in one of the breaks): Writing to people when I’m angry. Could be a specific person like Anselm, or the team, or the whole world. “Speak when you’re angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” I could feel the truth in that sentence. But also the power. And no one says I have to send it out just because I write it. Certainly I don’t want to send it out in this moment, certainly not claim that this is what feels true. Speaking from anger means speaking from pain. Not clarity, but unconsciousness. Yet with the right framing (“it’s not what I believe deep down”, “it’s only an unconscious part of me vocalizing”, “ignore the words, listen to the pain”) and the right person in the right context, I can see how it could be powerful to share it. Not to say anything about the other person, but to open a window into myself, to be open & vulnerable. Whatever. We will see.
At least the writing part will be helpful. To just let it out. Without identifying. Actually to become aware of what I do NOT want to identify with, because I know it comes from pain. Will help me filter/discriminate in moments when it isn’t so easy to distinguish between clarity & pain in disguise.

[...]

[cllc] Speak when you're angry

Here it is. A collection document, where I will collect all future “Anger speeches”. Obviously not fully public, especially not if addressed at one person. The ones addressed at the world at large might be made public soon thereafter. But also not immediately. I guess I want to re-read them first. Not in order to change anything, but to get a clearer image what they could trigger in others, so that I can add a trigger warning before I publish anything. So for now: nothing in there. At least nothing you can read…

Where do I go from here?

I don’t know, it’s rather unclear.

Do I keep rhyming, keep writing this way?

Or do I do something else with my day?

I know I’m not through yet,

waiting for the next wave.

Surely don’t want to block it,

before it can arrive.

Not direct my attention,

to a place where I don’t feel,

or it will come back harder,

I guess that’s the deal.

I feel kind of light now,

but heavy as well,

a pretty weird mixture,

devilish as hell.

So how about this:
I will just get in action

with mundane activities

that do not cause friction.

Could clean up House Tiny,

could give it ma all,

until the next waves comes,

no matter how tall.

even if a small,

I will use every chance,

to get back to feeling

enjoy this difficult dance.

will drop all the cleaning,

to get back to feeling.

…

the flow here is stopped,

Let’s go start the … [rhyming word missing]

[...]

I’ll be back soon. It’s hard to imagine that I will just feel on purpose for long without having a new wave coming. As long as I don’t numb with Youtube or anything like that, I don’t have to “worry that I will not worry”. But we will see. Tiny House here I come! 😍

[11:45 am] Another Message to the team

Instead of writing here, I ended up writing a message to the team. Not exactly the same, but that’s what felt right. I’m not really back into an anger state, but there is a subtle sadness that grew while I was writing the message to the team. The sadness around “not being cared for”, not being supported, being left alone. I guess I haven’t fully accepted yet that this might be the case and that it’s exactly how it’s supposed to be, that it will help me grow and become more whole. Yet right now, if I’m honest: I don’t want to. I don’t want to see how this is exactly right. I want to be supported. Truly. In actions, not only in words. In the deepest sense. Or at least, on the same level of depth that I support others. I know that this is illusional, it’s not what it is about. I’m not saying that this is a healthy part speaking here. Obviously. Why would I not want to see, how this is exactly how it’s supposed to be. That’s insanity in and by itself. It is nothing else than fighting against reality. “To believe that you need what you don’t have, is the definition of insanity.” (Byron Katie). Abundance is not something to reach. It’s already here right now. I’m just one shift of perception away of feeling the fullness of life. And yet I don’t. Knowing that it’s only one shift away doesn’t really make it easier… Or it does. But then not being able to do so, makes it much more frustrating. [added a P.S. to the team message at this point].

[18:00] The most important voice recording of my life yet

I don’t know when something shifted today, but it did. Doesn’t mean the pain is through, doesn’t mean the next wave of (...) isn’t just around the corner. And there was still a lot of anger recording this! Just in a different combination. Just read the intro text to the memo, if you’re interested…

⭐ [mssg] Together! (maybe the most important recording of my life so far)_1478.MP3

Alright. Checking out for today. It’s interesting: I don’t really feel sad at this moment, yet I just received an image of my crying again when I go to bed. It would be lovely to continue the “crying session” from earlier today. It doesn’t really feel finished. Which was good, as I needed to be in that “in-between-state” for the memo above and for the insights to emerge. But maybe now there is a deeper release coming when I go to bed before I fall asleep.
I’m really curious to see how my state tomorrow will be like. If it continues to be like the last two mornings, then I will probably double down on the “potentially biggest challenge of my life” thing.
So yeah, interesting and a bit intimidating. There is some fear to get back into a state of helplessness. But also not really. After today I kind of want to go deeper on/in it. More humbling, more pain, more clarity, more connection to truth and reality. Well, it comes as it comes. Good night. 🙂

[15.03.25, 4:15 am]

Dealing with Anger & Frustration

Apparently life wants to teach me how to deal with anger & frustration. Maybe that’s what the mushrooms were for. I had the intention for a long time to “own my dark side” a lot more. Recently I got the chance to do so.

Early insights: It has power! I think for the first time I can not just theoretically understand what Gandhi is talking about about when he talks about “transmuting the power of anger”. My writings are much more intense when I’m angry. I will express myself much more on point, much more raw, less filtered. Obviously, there is a chance of losing perspective. Anger has the tendency to “take over”, to absorb all of the awareness and suck the person into its field. But if I manage to stay in the observer seat as well, while feeling the anger in my human heart, then there is tremendous power in it. I just want to channel it in a healthy way, so it serves the world and doesn’t destroy. Or rather: Allow it do destroy the right things, as that’s what anger-force is for: Destroying. I just shouldn’t try to destroy other people in order to feel better myself. No, that would be an unhealthy expression. Yet if I manage to write about the things that are most dear to me, then I just tapped a whole new source of creative inspiration that I didn’t have access to before. It would mean that there is no more “good creation state” (= inspiration & flow) and a “bad creation state” or “pausing & feel” state, as those two merge into one. The only state I don’t want to be in is numbing. From that state true creation is actually not possible, because I’m blocking the life-force from flowing.

So what is my intention? How do I want to deal with states of anger & frustration in the future?

First: Notice. If I don’t realize that there is anger in my system, I’m likely suppressing it, moving more towards a numbing state that is neither free nor “free-ing” (liberation through feeling pain).
Second: Feel. Truly allow all the energy to be there and experience it fully.

Third: Observe. See what object of projection my mind focuses on during that period. Anger is always look for an object. Whatever it is, that’s where I can “go to work”.

Fourth: Go to work. Express all that the anger brings up without identifying with it. Hold the “that’s not me” while honoring the magnifying power on the subject.

Oftentimes, I assume, my object will be a specific person or a small group of people. In that case I might write an “anger letter” or record an “anger speech”. Even if I never send it, it will be really helpful for myself to see what a (suppressed) part of me thinks of the situation, so it doesn’t manipulate anymore in the underground. In most cases this will be the base for a “nice state” message later. It will have a very different framing and a much more loving energy, yet it draws on the points brought forth by the anger-energy, some of which would never have surfaced without, or in a way less clear & intense way. And with a few people I can even see the power in sending the “anger letter” itself. First, to share about myself vulnerably, openly showing my projections and therefore indirectly my own blindspots. Secondly, the harshness will give other people the opportunity to learn about themselves. See where they react and gain insights as a result. But that will likely only feel right with people who are “really advanced”, who already embody that they are responsible for their own emotions and who don’t see own inner resistances as something bad, but as the most valuable thing on the Journey to Freedom.

Free Check-In

What’s important now? Staying slow. Observing. Getting into action if asked of me. No Input. Not even other files, my own past writings. What’s my state? Soft. Tired. Relaxed. Heart sometimes fast. Small waves of sadness. Little to no anger/frustration. Short moments of fear. Overwhelm. It’s a lot again. So many options.

• write on anger/frustration/owning my dark side in general

• Anselm → go deeper

• Normal Life Experiment → big halftime Check-In

I just paused collecting further points in order to link the ones above. Instantly got lost in an old file (owning my dark side) and felt frustration again. That’s how fast it seems to go currently. What did it bring up? The “lack of synergy pain” I would call it. Knowing that this linking could be done by someone else. There must be a more beautiful way of doing this! Let’s feel for a second. It’s a bit too early to get in action, as I don’t even know what I’m projecting it unto. Plus I might get lost in it, identifying with the feeling, rather than also be connected to the witness seed.

[16.03.25, 5 am] The air is changing

Good morning diary 🙂

This is the first day here at this new place that I woke up with a lot of creative energy & inspiration. And it’s the first time since this current evolution started 4 weeks ago that I saw how things come together. The creative inspiration was coupled with concrete steps how to move forward, basically how to puzzle the pieces back together, after they’ve been taken apart in order to expand the worldview.

I’m not quite sure how I will go about this. And obviously I also don’t know if that energy will last, or if there is a new wave of pain coming soon that will need my attention. But as long as this is not the case, I see today moving forward like this: Write along this new inspiration as long as there is a continuous flow. Then do Yoga. Flow comes back? Write again. It stops? Breathing exercise. Then write again, then go for a walk. On-off. on-off, on-off.

Probably I will use a different file in order to not overload this diary, as many things will not be so diary like. Some yes, but others not so much. What do I want to use this diary for? Free Check-In’s. Either at transition moments or when the energy shifts into a different direction. Probably going back & forth here as well.

[14:30] running out of steam

I had a nice morning. I got into a flow, starting with the extra doc I was talking about:
[doc] Puzzling the Pieces Together after LIVE (Entering a new level of consciousness)

Then I turned my attention to Anselm, which was nice as well. Only around lunchtime or starting at 11 am I kind of “ran out of steam”. There are more numbing impulses since then (especially food) and very little creative flow. Right now it feels like I would just need to “survive the day” without causing harm, so there is a reset for tomorrow morning. But let’s not accept that version too quickly. For one, maybe another creative flow will follow this afternoon or later this evening. And two, who knows what that energy is good for. Maybe there is anger & frustration below that numbing and I can use it for some more “constructive anger expression”.

[17.03.25, 6:30 am]

Dear Diary … (on Yesterday evening)

Dear Diary,

Yesterday turned out to be a fantastic evening. After some more tripping (Youtube & food) I felt a weird inner stillness, a kind of inner peace after the turmoil. Maybe that was because I was pretty aware while I was on Youtube and eating and that it was kind of a consicous choice this time (“let’s see what feelings I try to cover + if I can stop when I want”).

Stopping “by myself” didn’t really work. Nor did I feel the immediate pain or got a better view at the pein I’m numbing. But maybe just going in with that intention opened the door for that stillness afterwards.

I ended up almost finishing the complete first draft for the Intuition Academy Landing Page. And just when I finished I received a long message from Anselm regarding our conversation on “how I would like to be supported”. So it was a smooth transition from one meaningful thing to the next. And I even though there was a lot going on within me after listening to Anselm’s memo, I fell asleep comparably fast and had a beautiful night of sleep, waking up refreshed and inspired again. Second day in a row!

[19.03.25, 7:00 am]

Oops (48h without entry) + “rule of 3”

Well, it actually happened. I didn’t write a single entry yesterday, and no more after the 6:30 am entry two days ago, where I only wrote about the evening before. Sobasically two days without any fresh entry. Do I want to recap what happened? Not really? Only that my natural state is still pretty “creation focused”. I kept writing in docs like the Puzzling the Pieces Together, continued setting up the space here (on Monday, 17th, my luggage finally “arrived”) and had numbing impulses as well. Feels a lot more like “normal” days how I knew them from before.

Today, I felt more restless than the last days in the morning. There was still some creative inspiration but it wasn’t as clear & focused. Or less grounded in clarity we could say. More danger to get off track, to choose something that actually isn’t meant to happen. That’s those cases that feel good in the moment (“I move forward!”) but that feel heavy later (“I didn’t move forward with what life was actually asking of me”). So I’m cautious. Trying to go really slow. Actually typing slower now as well. Taking time to journal (on paper a lot) and observing myself. Does a creative inspiration come up multiple times? I certainly don’t want to follow it the first time it comes up. Too often it is just an expression of restlessness, and once I let it go it doesn’t return. The ones that are meant to happen show themselves multiple times. Kind of like my “rule of 3”. If I have an impulse to call someone spontaneously (often during walks) I just blindly follow it, if it comes up a third time. Even if I have no idea at all what to talk about with that person. But sure enough, oftentimes it turned out to be exactly the right moment. And after a few minutes of conversation I knew without doubt what to talk about. It’s interesting actually. If I just want to call someone to avoid loneliness or so, usually one person comes up and then – when I don’t follow it – the next person, and then the next. This shows that it doesn’t really matter who to call, the impulse is just to run away from the feeling and talk to anyone. That’s sooo different than the examples of the “rule of three” where usually I don’t think about calling any other person after I let the first impulse slip. But then the same person comes up again a little later. And that’s the way I want to operate today with everything. Be cautious not to follow the first impulse, but stay alert to what comes up repeatedly. Good days to do a lot of yoga as well. Getting fully present into the body quiets a lot of the noise. While the important things still come up for a second or third time, calling for my attention. So… Yoga break. 🙂

[07:50 am] Surprising “Rule of 3” impulse

That’s funny. The thing that came up for the third time now was “going outside to the river”. First time it came up, my mind was like “not yet, do some things first”. Second time my mind objected: “too cold. It will be such a nice & beautiful day, why go out now when it’s still freezing. Go later.”. But now it came up for the third time indeed and even though I still want to “do things” I will follow the impulse now. Especially, because it wasn’t really an “just go outside” impulse, but I was seeing the specific place (even though there are many beautiful placed out here) that I want to go. So, let’s go… :)

[10:45 am] Pain after Inspiration

I feel kind of low right now. There must be some pain I’m not feeling, something that wants to flow through that I’m not completely allowing (yet). I’m still in the process of accepting the state in the first place, because I was coming from a place of high clarity & high inspiration beeing ourdoors.

The first hour or so was just being present. I was counting the Störche, met 6 or 7 dog-friends, listened to the river, enjoyed the warmth of the sun. And then, just after breakfast on my Bench of Transformation & Letting Go, suddenly I started writing. Writing about a place that I see. A place of my dreams that is possible NOW, not in some distant future. And so I got rolling, wrote down sentences, snippets & ideas to cover. Until I decided to stop and go home. With the idea to keep writing on the Laptop, but it into form immediately. Walking in the door and immediately setting up my writing space, going with the flow for another hour or so until it would be time to eat. So I thought… Now sadness is the prevelant feeling. Not inspiration. I’m not sure if I’m still supposed to write about the vision, just from a different state. Or if life is asking me to do something else completely. So first step: listening. Shutting down the laptop again and tune within. I’m sure I already know. I just need to become quiet enough to realize. Let the mud settle, so that the water becomes clear.
I’ll be back… 🙌

[20.03.25, 9:15 am]

Accepting my Leadership

Yesterday, March 19th, 2025, marks a special day in me accepting my role, more specifically: my leadership role.

After a period of dis-alignment I ended up (re-) watching a part of A Long Walk to Freedom, the movie about Nelson Mandela. I clicked on a random point at the later part of the movie and never stopped. The scene I entered immediately caught me and a later speech “pushed me over the edge”. A few teary and multiple goosebump moments later, I went outside for a walk.I felt tremendous power in my body. I knew that this was the moment when two things came back into focus that play a prominent role in my Priority Compass: Owning my Role and Speaking my Truth (humbly). They intersect at this point, me stepping into my leadership role.

The scene that played through my mind multiple times while powerfully marching through the forest:

“I am your leader. And as long as I am your leader, I’m going to give you leadership. As long as I am your leader, I’m going to tell you always when you’re wrong. And I tell you now: “You’re wrong!”

I must have had quite a speed walking uphill, at least I reached the top within no time. Standing there, watching over the Dreisamtal (the region East out of Freiburg), I felt a lot of clarity, power, strength. I knew what I was supposed to do, what I was supposed to write about the next morning. Which I did.

I think I must have watched the final 5 minutes for at least 10-15 times. And I have goosebump every single time. Especially the moment he walks through the hall after his election and the white officers saluting him. The same people/institutions who had kept him behind bars for over 27 years (!). Actually, the scene (sound only) is playing right now in the background and just the music that I know associate with these images brings up tears & goosebumps.

The section that sparked the Accepting My Leadership clarity is screenrecorded here. But watch out! The first 3 minutes are not easy to watch. They include images of horror. Images, a part of us wants to look away from because the pain of truly allowing them to enter our being would be unbearable (or so it seems). You can click to the speech directly, using the navigation below the video. But I dare you: Try to allow the whole experience with an open heart. Feel free to cry! Or Scream. Or whatever help you to stay open. Don’t close your heart. I know it hurts. What hurts most is that those things are still happening today. Daily. Very subtly or shockingly like in the movie. While we close our eyes…

And finally, after you’ve watched those two sections (I recommend starting with the second one), then here is what I wrote about The Leadership Dilemma and Accepting my Leadership this morning in the file that I’m writing in the most these last days: Puzzling the Pieces Together.

[22.03.25, 7:30 am]

A quick Check-In

I’m not writing a lot in the diary these days. A part of me feels guilty about it and wants to force it, but when I step back it did feel right those last days. I’m more back into writing specific articles and it kind of flows naturally right now. The only gap I feel is truly one I would like to close, is updating a bit more about those other documents. We’ll see how that unfolds.

On Thursdays, after the last entry, I spent the whole day almost outdoors, journaling at some nice spots where I sat down, recording memos while walking the 15km. Today will be the same I guess. At least I just had the impulse to leave super early today and just check for the weather and leave. I ended up writing this quick entry in the diary as well, but likely it will be my last action for today.

What is most present currently:

• Owning how it is for others to be around me

• Creating a questionnaire/process that organically filters potential team members

• Re-Connecting with the existing team (How? When?)

• “Organity”

• Accepting my Leadership (≙ entry above)

[24.03.25, 7:00 am]

2 outdoor days + clarity

Today could be a diary day. I’ve spent the last two days completely outside basically (8:00 - 19:00h on Saturday and 6:00-18:00h on Sunday), so a lot of handwritten paper journaling. :)

What’s interesting: Yesterday afternoon was the first time that nothing really new came up when I journaled about what’s a priority now. I just wrote all things down that seemed present, then went back to read the notes from the last 6 days (or so) and it was all covered. Fittingly, in the morning I recorded a voice message on the way to a spontaneous early Sunday-Morning Cacao Ceremony with Anselm (this first since I took the mushrooms) which I started with the words “I know what is mine to do”. The process of puzzling things together seems to slowly come to an end (for now). Doesn’t mean that I can properly communicate it to others yet, but for me internally it seems clear. So now the task is to make that accessible. To use words, frameworks and other tools of the mind to bridge the gap. Today it feels like I’m just going to knock some small dominos over in each area. Let’s see. Where do I start?

WIN Journal

How do I start? By the end. How far? End of the week.

WIN this week? ⊕⊕ Formulating the new vision for the team with the “Organity” in the center. ⊕ Early preparing of the next place, “worst-case scenarios”. ⊕ Sending out inviquests (invitation/requests) for loans. ⊕⊕ Finish new process for potential team members (= “funnel”) ⊕ Create questionnaire to synchronize with team according to new framework. ⊕ Give that framework around the Leadership Dilemma & Accepting my Leadership a careful design that makes it easy to understand. Anything else? What is not important during that time? ⊖ Putting out posts for new team members (except for a really specific one maybe if it comes up in the flow). ⊖ Connect with team 1on1 (unclear: with Brandy or another specific person). ⊕ More framings around “What to expect when to associate with JFK”.

More unclear things? Gabriel re-connect. JAK follow-up. Things around people it seems in general.

WIN today? See where the flow goes. There is not really an order to those things, nothing really that needs to come before the other. What if I had to decide now? Which 2-3 things come up first? Organity vision + New Funnel Process.

Any small things that are important today? Or would be good to just have them done (≙ Zeigarnik Effect).
a) pay rent + b) Upload Memos from yesterday & share + c) physical care (take a bath, cook)

Let’s take a pause, let it settle and then get started.

[09:20] A wave of pain

There is a wave of pain that asks for attention first. It came just after I took the pause and it’s still there. Going with this flow of what life brings up, will always be priority #1, no matter what I journaled earlier.

Clarity = I want to deal with that pain in a more beautiful way. The last days (since I returned more to “normal mode”) have been a lot more numbing. It kind of felt right to numb paradoxically, and it opened the door to some of the valuable insights over the last days. Especially since I had the clarity that all my unhealthy behaviour is a substitute for belonging. Looking at my numbing through that lens and doing the numbing over the last 1-2 days, made it pretty obvious that this is not going to work. Watching more sports is not going to satisfy my deep desire to belong. Eating more than necessary (even if healthy food) is not going to fill the emptiness that is left by not belonging in the deepest sense. It’s just not going to work… Captain Obvious. And still my conditioned systems will go back to it again & again, because it thinks “maybe it will work this time” or “just try it once more”. Ain’t going to work… It just ain’t going to work.

The only thing that will work is the combination out of feeling the pain and making steps towards fulfilling that deep desire. Just overworking (actively searching for people) without feeling the pain is not going to work either. If I haven’t felt the pain, I will take action out of desperation, not out of inspiration & clarity. And so I will re-create that energy, that lack in whatever I do. Just feeling the pain without taking active steps is not going to work either. Because that voice “I want to belong!” is not going to get more quite, if I ignore the message it wants to bring to the table. So I need both. Whenever there is inspiration and creative energy available, invest it into the direction of my deepest true-self desire. Take active steps (even if that might only mean “Journaling” or “going to nature” or anything like that), get the momentum going. Knock over dominos. But then when there is pain: Stop! Otherwise I will keep pouring energy into a water wheel that turns in the wrong direction. I will cause more harm than doing good. Stop and feel the pain. Maybe express it in poems, a drawing, anything that helps me feel and access the stored emotions (emotion → e-motion → energy in motion). But take a complete shift from what I was doing before. Don’t force any continuation of the creation I was working on before out of inspiration. It might get back there naturally, like the poem becoming an essential part of attracting the right people, but that can’t be planned. It might happen. Or it might not. Whatever. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that I’m fully present with what life is presenting me at that moment. And if it’s pain then it’s likely something else than if it’s creative inspiration.

[16:45] My new favorite poem?

The day went differently. I went outside with the wave of pain, but it quickly subsided, giving way to a peaceful state and quiet inspiration, resulting in my maybe new favorite poem. It wasn’t even finished, but then a new wave of pain came. This one I didn’t handle so well. Some numbing and a hot bath later, I’m writing this, just before heading out for a second time today. But first, I’m going to type down my new favorite poem (to the extent it’s finished). It’s a long one. Meaningful and long. “Long” – that’s the right keyword actually…

We long to belong

to what’s right, not what’s wrong.

To take part in life’s song.

Will take more time. But how long?

Even if content right now,

I do know: there is more.

Collective Surrender.

That’s what is at Life’s core.

Act not as I, but as Us.
Leave separation behind.

Live from a much higher wisdom,

not from the egoic mind.

Transcend the I, even the We.

Both are small, both are not “All”.

Expand your vision of “Is”

or chose unconsciously to fall.

Clearly see with eyes closed,

not what is, but what can be,

Just stop to hold yourself small!

And you can see what I see.

There is more, more to life

than we allow it to be.

We pretend to be happy,

but in truth, we’re not free.

We live in prison indeed.

What is worse: We don’t mind.

We even admire the walls

of our egoic mind.

Our Collective Ego

runs our lives, keeps us small.

If we’d just stop to protect it,

we could access the “All”.

Darkness is mere but a choice

to not fully step in.

To walk below our potential

as a Collective Being.

We can choose the light,

not some day, but right now!

Yet this includes a direction

of what can be, what is right.

We cannot settle for less

than the highest we can see.

Otherwise we choose to suffer,

stop ourselves to be free.

An ideal so high that it’s scary,

that wakes up our deepest fear.

Only then it’s the potential,

can be to you & me dear.

A vision so beautiful,

it is recognized by all.

Universally true, good,

a Yes to Life’s deepest call.

Interbeing in action,

not by few, but by all.

Knowing it will never “get there”

But: I can give it my all.

It’s about the intention,

the direction we follow.

Not about (fake) perfection,

the results are quite hollow.

Yet an intention that’s true!

Otherwise, it ain’t it.

An intention that’s pure.

It means: We must commit!

True commitment to life,

real surrender to “It”.

Make the LEAP & be guided.

= Your inner fire is lid.

Birthing One Organism,

a being larger than “I”.

We’ll face immense resistance.

It’s worth the pain! Shall we try?

There’s more than we can imagine,

more to life than we think.

But we need to allow it,

expand ourselves, and not shrink.

Stop playing small!

This ain’t how it’s supposed to be.

Close your eyes, look with your heart

and you will see what I see.

We can be more, can be free,

We do not need to wait.

But we need to step up now,

or soon it might be too late.

Responsibility means Now.

start acting true to yourself.

Listen to your intuition,

experience true inner wealth.

Own your life! But: Don’t stop.

You are larger than that!

Own the We, then the All.

You’ll enjoy it, I bet.

Inner Peace is the impact.

Abiding joy – it’ll feel nice!

Why wouldn’t you want that?

Well, there is also … a price.

Full version: [poem] We long to belong

[25.03.25, 8:00 am]

• I desire to have more & deeper synergy with the people I’m closest with

• That’s not how it’s supposed to be (society, collect examples, write about)

• I would like to be supported (→ message for financial loan requests?)

This morning started with a wave of pain. I just typed down the things that were most present.

That’s not how it’s supposed to be

It’s not supposed to be like that. That we’re flying to Thailand for vacation to get a relief from the sickness of where we live. That we have a kitchen in every apartment, but every one is only used a fraction of the time. That people are waiting for buses, while 50 cars drive by. That we store things in basement boxes while our neighbor buys the same thing on amazon. That we don’t even try to find those synergetic matches, because the finding itself takes up too much work, too much time.

It’s not supposed to be that way, that the landlords decide who lives in their house, but the direct neighbors are not even asked. That we’re travelling through town to meet the people who we really want to spend time with. That we’re cooking with ¼ of a Zucchini, ⅓ of a paprika and ½ of an onion, because we haven’t learned how to do things together. That nature has fences around it, because people claim that it belongs to them.

It’s not supposed to be like that. It’s not supposed to be that people are working in jobs that kill their souls, in order to earn money they need to buy things that fill the inner emptiness left behind. That I’m numbing myself on youtube at the same time as someone else does the same thing, while we would have a meaningful conversation if we shared a space. That I’m holding my weakness back out of fear, while my vulnerability would plant exactly the seed that leads in a direction where I wouldn’t need to be afraid.

It’s not supposed to be that way that we rather leave spaces empty and things unused, because the risk is so high that they use it in a way not aligned with us. That we send stuff with the post, while there are hundreds of cars are driving exactly that route

[28.03.25, 7:50 am] Life’s guidance is always present

I’m laying on the ground, unsure what’s the right thing to do. The Journal “What’s important today?” didn’t bring much clarity either. So I journal. And lay down. Trusting Lao Tzu: “Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?” I write down a few things here and there. None calls for immediate action. Suddenly the phone rings. It’s Anselm. He asks for my support facing resistances. Not a second of a doubt. All the things I wrote down, all the important things I could have done (Team + financials + next place), become irrelevant within a matter of seconds. There is total clarity about what life is asking of me. I have around 30 more minutes. I might even naturally cover all those other points within that time. Suddenly there is energy. Suddenly life-force is flowing through me. I’m on purpose.

[30.03.25, 16:00] Outdoor Life can begin

My new (refurbished) chromebook arrived. Now I can finally write where I am, taking it with me in my backback everywhere. This is basically the first try. Battery life seems fine, brightness as well, so no more excuses for not writing diary entries. Or messages. Or journals. Or anything. And since the weather is supposed to get warmer and warmer from Wednesday on, I will likely spend most of the time of most of the days outdoor. Just packing food in the morning and then go. My dream would be that this works in a way that productivity (including synergies with other people) stays the same, or even skyrockets. Obviously, the team (“complementary puzzle pieces” + “perfect VA”) is still missing, but at least I can now properly start on my end.

My state = A bit weird

My state the last days is a bit weird. There is a lot of numbing impulses, while also having a lot of inspiration, clarity & creativity. But something is certainly not felt yet that wants to be felt. Some pain is knocking at the door, waiting to pass the gate. But I’m not quite letting it. Maybe it’s in context to the team. I joined the first call after 6 weeks on Friday and realized quickly (after feeling quite some pain) that it’s dead. Here is the message I wrote to the team yesterday.

But it’s not just that. Either there is more or it’s just an expression of something deeper. I did a small fire funeral with Anselm yesterday, where I realized that a) I have a hard time grieving properly. Anselm called it sacred grief. And b) that we’re getting closer to some fundamental things in my life. Just the theme of bringing people together (rather than “just” creating an Intuition-Academy or Online Course) seems to sit much deeper at the core of what I’m called to do. Intuition and Online Courses certainly have a big role to play. But they are not IT. They are nice by-products and entry doors to IT. The “bringing people together” part is pretty relevant. In my priority compass I had put “Attracting the richtg people” in the centre. All other priorities like LEAP & One Organism, personal self-mastery and owning my dark side were both super super relevant AND only relevant as long as they were in service to attracting the right people. It seems I kind of lost the importance of it over the last 10 months or so. It kind of flickered here and there but when I look at my past actions it doesn’t quite do it justice. There is a gap between how important it is to me and how it looks from my actions alone. So here I am back. And probably also here is another wave of pain riding along. Connected to loneliness, to the deep desire to belong. The desire to deeply belong. The deep desire to deeply belong.

But let’s move on. It’s time for a change of places. Get the chromebook back in the backpack and continue to walk.

April = empty

I completely lost it in April. I don’t even know how anymore. And why I didn’t get back to it at all. Yes, circumstances & priorities changed. But so they do all the time. There would have been more than enough situations to still write a diary entry. I just chose not to. I don’t know why. Maybe to realize it’s value on a deeper level through its absence. Because know that I wrote the first entry after my return (07.05.25) I can immediately feel the impact it has. My inner stillness increases, my clarity sky-rockets, my processing happens smoother. I can feel just so much more flow, especially with the things (feelings) that got stuck, that blocked energy. It seems like this (diary) is a transmuting tool for me, one of my personal ‘alchemists’. So let’s align my action with that insight and set up some alarms to remind myself of writing the diary. I hope I will not need them over time and the natural flow will (naturally) lead there. But for the start this will be helpful. At least 3x

[07.05.25, 7:00 am] I failed (miserably)

I failed. I failed miserably.
Life just presented me an opportunity. Threw at me a test, a challenge. How far am I? How much can I keep my heart open while also keeping my eyes open (and not looking away)? How loving can I be? How safe is the space I can hold for other people to show themselves authentically?

Life sent a “couchsurfer” to my place where I could explore all those questions. And I failed.
I didn’t manage to keep my heart open. I wasn’t able to accept the situation fully as it is. I wasn’t able to show myself vulnerably. I mean real vulnerability. Not the one where I still keep the control and basically use vulnerability as a tool. I didn’t even fully try. So coming up with the “Intention vs. Perfection” motto wouldn’t be help either. I would only use it as a shield to protect myself from the pain how miserably I have failed. I didn’t have the real intention. My actions proved otherwise, the choices I made revealed my priorities. And so I failed. Emma just left a few minutes ago.

The space feels clear again, lighter. And yet I know this was an opportunity. One I missed. But one that will be an important learning for the future. Not only did it lead to me re-starting this diary (I’ve have “had the intention” for a while now), it will also bring forth growth in many different areas, seen & unseen, directly connected to this visit & indirectly. I know it does. That’s the healthy part (best case) that doesn’t want to be in uncomfortable situations again. In the unhealthy version this “I don’t want to be in this situation ever again” voice will activate the mind trying to control life in a way to avoid similar situations. Leads to a life of avoidance, of running away, of trying to control. Doesn’t work. Read “Untethered Soul”. In the healthy version it leads to real growth, real integration, real healing. I don’t want to be in that situation again, that’s right. But I don’t allow myself to be ruled by fear, to avoid future situations like these. And as I also don’t give my system the option to turn down and numb, to just pretend it’s not there, it has to work on “real solutions”. Like actually becoming more vulnerable. Like actually becoming more accepting, more loving. Because that was the real uncomfortable part. Not the situation itself, not even the feelings itself. It was the knowing that: “I am capable of more!”, that I can’t deal with the situation most beautifully. If I had been in the same situation, giving it my best effort, growing along in the way, this would have also felt very very different. Even if (in that scenario) I still wouldn’t have been able to provide a safe space where Emma could take off her masks.

[8:15 am] What is present?

The calendar reminder works. And I’m “hyped” to write. Not extensively. But in those short bursts.

What is present right now?

Breakfast. Restarting my time here. Morning Routine. Active Recall (for the diary) of the last 5 weeks. Vulnerability. NBA. Hunger (again). Attracting the Right People (= main focus). Gabriel. Other people.

What’s relevant right now?

Clarity → What is NOT = Active Recall (maybe later) + attracting the right people (in any detail) + anything else with a bigger context.
Right now it’s about getting back into the habit of writing. So something small & personal would be nice. → NBA-vulnerability.

Youtube, NBA & Co

Yesterday I ended up on Youtube again. The first time in May, after April had been really “youtube heavy” for my standards. Especially watching sports/NBA highlights. It still activates something within me, touches a need that appearantly isn’t fulfilled in any other way (yet). But I know it’s not what I want. It’s not who I am most deeply. It wouldn’t happen, if I truly felt all the pain that’s there. Even though it has some “truth covered” (speaking about my NBA impulse), I know it’s only a substitute. Not the actual thing. Not what it’s really about. And yet I find myself in the struggle of not wanting to supress it. But I also don’t want to let it take over (which it often does after the initial 3 minutes). So this is a big work in progress. And maybe it’s closer connected to the topic of vulnerability than I would like. Sometimes it feels as if, life is going to bring me back to my youtube stints (either because I allow it directly or because I supress it and the pressure later bursts out) until I manage to be truly vulnerable and open about them. Like until I don’t try to hide them anymore. Which is equivelant with feeling the pain.

I had instances in the past, where it worked to “consciously watch Youtube”. I remember back in Switzerland, when I was housesitting, it must have been exactly a year ago now, almost to the day, potentially exactly to the day. I was watching the NBA playoff highlights with the Dallas Mavericks, while recording a memo live. Like everything. I didn’t just talk about it and then paused it. I let it run. The whole time. And before and after I was talking about it as well. How it felt painful. And yet some part of me is drawn to it. How I could see the power it exerts over me. How it’s hard to hold. How the impuls is to numb. To not watch youtube consicously, but unconsciously. To eat, snack something while watching. To click on the next video just after, impulsively. To get lost in it. And then usually that does happen. The part that wants to get lost is smart. It tricks me into his world by pretending “let’s make that a conscious experiment”, so that I give way to its impulse much easier. But he know that I usually do get lost after the initial 2-3 minutes. And then it’s no experiment anymore at all. It’s just unconsciousness reinforcing itself. Creating more of its own. Creating more pain rather than feeling and letting go of what is already there.

So here we are. My dilemma.

While writing I could actually see both parts in action. I could see (& feel) the power of watching it truly consciously and how I can heal in the process. But I could already feel how the tricking part within me gets excited, like he’s about to win and can’t hold back a smile. Then I feel trapped. I get wary of that part, but then I don’t move towards the healing power at all anymore. So I need rules. A container for those situations that actually work. And while I’m writing I guess I already know what it is:
- I will always give it a special container (not a side thing)
- I will record everything (!) → before, during, after
- I will call a friend first. Either to be there live with me or to hold me accountable of uploading the memo in this diary(!)

The last part is the essential one. Because no matter how good my “rules” & container, if I’m by myself then I can trick me with all those things. I can record my session without later uploading it, knowing it will just get forgotten. I can pretend that I have set up a space, when I really haven’t. I can go longer than would be necessary for an experiment, or longer than it would feel right. So the last part is key. I will let someone know. Someone who knows this exact context. Any maybe I will even ask for his allowance. Something along these lines. And I will keep tracking. That’s the most important successful part over the last weeks! I haven’t been lying to myself ABOUT getting lost. In the moment, yes, it tricked me. But I tracked how many times I got tricked. It isn’t uploaded (yet), but I have an A6 Index card right next to me, where I started my “No Sport/Youtube” tracking in December 24. I skipped the tracking from end of February until the middle of April, but re-started on April 21st, including an 8-day (!) fail streak, which must be the longest since ever tracking anything in this regard. So let’s try it out…

I was about to say I will try it actually going on youtube etc. But I will at least call the two people that came to mind first. I will see if this is actually the moment. I feel the impulse for going on Youtube is just getting weaker (the last 4-5 lines or so), so we will see. Clarity = I WILL ask for allowance. If they say no, I don’t go. And if I go, it counts as a fail in my tracking. Only if I go with allowance AND following through with the process (≙ upload in here, ≙ call the friend again at the end → oh, that’s a nice idea actually!), then it counts as a win. An even bigger win than just not having been on youtube! Let’s call!

[...] 5 minutes later

No one answered. Which also means: No one can give me the allowance right now. Right (very) likely means, I will not go on Youtube right now. Though: It was VERY interesting to see how the impulse to go on Youtube grew strong again the moment also the second person didn’t pick up the phone. Means: I’m onto something here. The moment I had the idea about the specific process, especially the part including other people, the impulse grew weaker instantly. Without any supressing or trying to tell myself it’s NOT GOOD or any looking away, pretending it’s not there kind of behavior. It just grew weaker. And the moment no one answered, it grew stronger again. Fascinating. Now it’s back. Just as strong as in the beginning when I started writing all this. Interesting…

Youtube Healing 07.05.25_1729.MP3

[08.05.25] So much for that…

So much for that… The day(s) went different than expected. I got a spontaneous visit and badaam, I let that become an excuse for not writing the diary. Yes, it’s different with a person in the space than when being along and I do NOT want to force it to write the diary at certain times or fix intervals. Yet, let’s be honest to myself: It would have been totally possible. And potentially even a good fit if I communicated it well. Just taking a pause of the conversation for 5-10 minutes and me writing a bit in the diary.

So instead I let unconsciousness take over a few short times. Yesterday and today there were two more unconscious (!) Youtube sessions. Short, yes, but still NOT AT ALL the process that I wrote about yesterday morning. So, let’s re-commit. Youtube only if a) approved by a buddy + b) completely recorded + c) uploaded + d) check-out with the same buddy. Not that hard…

For now, I’m (very spontaneously) in the city. The friend who visited me asked me when he left, whether I wanted to come with him. For some reason I said yes. No clue why, but it was clear. So far the purpose of me saying Yes hasn’t really surfaced. We will see. I guess tomorrow I will know more. For now, this was a perfect example of a quick 5 minute diary Check-In. There is almost nothing that should stop me from doing that 2-3 times a day. Only myself and my excuses…

See you later 🙂

[10.05.25, 16:45] Life is interesting

Life is interesting. It really is…

So apparently, I skipped a day, not writing a diary entry at all. It was another intense day with a visit of my good friend. It was another day where I could have easily fit in the diary. And not only that, it would have helped me a lot even. I probably would have had more capacities (by writing the diary) to hold space for him than I had without. So be it. And here we are. Late at the day, sitting at a little beautiful park bench in the vine yards infront of the Kaiserstuhl.

I actually planned to go to the Kaiserstuhl (the local mountain, a former vulcano). I took the (E-)bike I currently have access to and made my way. A friend called. Unexpectedly. And just when I was about to enter the forest part, I decided to turn around. And go to visit that friend, around 1,5 hours away from where I currently stay. That is, as long as she doesn’t give a veto (which she might). So we will see. At least I’m on my way back now, took a wrong turn and ended up at this little bench. Glad I did. It’s beautiful.

Early the day, I listened to a voice message from Anselm and then that became the flow of the day. It was clear very early: That’s important! More than he might realize. And so I took almost 3 hours to listen to it completely (it was only 16 minutes long), write & speak my notes and share them back with him. And that’s when I had clarity: Don’t let anything interfere with that. Give it space to settle. Don’t try to do anything else. Don’t talk to people. Don’t even read. Just journal, breath and go out for a long long walk in nature. So I did. Or rather: Was about to…

What is present?

What else is present right now?

How the day started before, my priority clarities. And how it all comes down to the same thing again & again. Either I must tell myself that story very very cleverly. Or it might just be true. That there is a calling connected to it.

So my priorities: Attracting new (“the right”) people + Self-Mastercare + deepen ties with existing people.

Self-Mastercare is a word combination I came up with today. Self-Mastery & Self-Care. Kind of feels linke one category for me anyways. Now I have a word for it. “Organically attracting the Right People” is what everything comes down to in my life. Almost every time I hold space for a friend, hear about visions & dreams of someone else, read something meaningful or anything the like, I usually end up with a stronger calling to Gathering the Right People. And so that’s my #1 priority. Every Day. Unless the flow (that’s always #0 priority) intervenes. As it did today. As it might do tomorrow. Self-Mastercare is what creates & hold the space in which things can happen. Attracting the right people or holding space for the existing right people is what it gets filled with.

Attracting the Right People

I should actually right more about this in this diary. It’s so present in my life, so it’s fair if that reflects here. But now now. I’ve been writing for 15 minutes not and I hear the call to continue my journey back. And then on to my friend. So let’s just make a collection, what I intend to cover (intention vs. perfection/outcome) the next days, or maybe even later in the train:

• founding a club (is that the word vor “Verein” in English in this context) and a fund

• setting up the Questionnaires (= central tool!)

• the ChatGPT “big PDF” for answering questions

• other ideas & visions

• my calling in all this → playing my role

That’s it. Let’s enjoy the view for a few more minutes and then hop on the bike again. :)

[11.05.25, 15:50]

Another late first entry. Another day where I willingly ignored my alarm-reminders to write a diary. And today it was even more absurd, as I already was on the computer “doing stuff”. I could have easily paused that for a minutes and just went for the “super floor” version, of a quick 1 minute diary check-in. So let’s do it now. Even though it will probably be longer now.

What’s my state? How do I feel today?

With a few execptions: connected, inspired. The day is kinda flowy, a lot of conscious moments and aware actions. And that shows in my actions as well. It’s been the third day in a row that I did a 1 hour psychedelic breath journey in the morning. It feels like that is paying off. It’s amazing every time by itself, but the consistency adds to the benefits. Like even though youtube & other numbing impulses are still there, it feels like they have less power over me. I am more connected to my heart (that was big after the first session two days ago) and I can feel it way more intense again, comparably to the mushroom days when I first started this public diary. So yeah. Today is a good day (not that the other days aren’t, including the ones where I’m less connected to myself, but you know what I mean). Maybe it also plays a role that I’m fasting. I’m just about to end my fast after a bit over 24 hours, so I will see how that changes the rest of the day. The uncomfortable restlessness that comes up during fasting days is always a challenge to handle, but at the same time it helps me to be more aware about everything else as well. So yeah…

Any other snippets I want to throw out?

• World-Best Communicator Identity re-commitment = excitement

• Ansi “expressing unheard voices” exchange = meaningful

• I didn’t end up going to my friend = no surprise

• I’m hungry = even less a surprise

• Evening stretching/yoga = serves me well

Let’s get to eat…

[19:00] My View of Life

Choice. 100% responsibility. Intention vs. Perfection. Intuition. Commitment. Surrendering to the organic flow. Inspiration vs. Desperation. Trusting your own relative truth. Holding the Pain. Honoring Resistances.

With those words I could probably describe everything that is necessary for a flourishing life.
What is missing?

Synergy. Pull towards bigger Organism. True-getherness. Diversity & unification. Resonance.

What else could I drop? Virtues. Love, Wholeness, Openness, Trust. Wisdom & Self-Mastery. Alignment. Interbeing. Integrity.

The first part feels most relevant though. It’s what brings the last abstract word-drops into action.

Clarity of the day. If you don’t believe in Choice, then nothing I say will resonate. 100% responsibility, the LEAP, OneOrganism, Intuition. They all take as a given that there is some level of choice. So probably I will filter for that in the future. It will save a looot of time synchronizing with people where there is no common ground to be gained anyways. At least not in those areas.

[12.05.25, 11:45 am]

Diary entry #1, the alarm actually just rang a minute ago. I’m sitting infront of the organic grocery store and just opened the chromebook to write a text about the club we’re about to found. I journaled about it this morning and the framing became quite clear to me. But, actually, instead of creating an extra Doc, why not just write it in here?!

It might be a mix of German and English, so I will start a new tab.

Ok, the flow didn’t lead to a full text version, only to the structure that became clear this morning. The frame is created, only needs to be filled now. Let’s take a break there.

What else is present?

LEAP: new perspectives around what it means & is. Anselm: What did he engage with yesterday evening & this morning?

Now people are entering the scene here where I’m sitting. I realize how it’s hard to keep my attention fully on the diary (or anything else on the computer). It’s interesting. Some people don’t really seem to care. They can work just fine in a Cafe or Restaurant or anything else with a lot of people. For me, there is a constant pull of my attention to listen, look and/or sense the energies of the people in the room/space.

Question: Staying or leaving? Certainly the purpose of sitting here is not fulfilled anymore. So let’s go. Some place more in nature.

[16:00] Nature (it’s powerful!)

I’m astonished every single time! How much easier it is for me to nap in nature. And how much more relaxed I feel afterwards. This one today is especially crazy! It’s in the forest. And a special kind of forest. Even though it’s small, there is so much life (!) going on. Probably that is special here because it’s the leftovers of a very old forest. And because there is so much water here. It’s wet. There are little ways for people to walk, lots of protected areas (basically everything except the main path through the forest and the entries). And the animal seem to love it. There is a world of a difference between this place here and if I try to take a nap at home. Even if I go outside so I at least touch the earth with my feet and find some nice place of grass: it might be more relaxing than at home, but nothing compared to here in the (what seems to be a healthy) forest.

Probably there is some science around the micro-stuff that trees send out constantly. But I don’t need that science. I can feel it!

I’m reminded of what I wrote earlier. In the section about the club we’re founding. The framework around meaning. I’m not sure if I heard it from Iian McGilchrist or John Vervaeke, it was in a podcast with both of them and Daniel Schmachtenberger. The framework said that there are three components to Meaning in Life:
Connection to other People + Connection to Nature + Sacredness.

I will go home now and cook, so I eat finally something else than bread & mushrooms, which I bought earlier. Food might be the biggest challenge for my days the upcoming months. I would LOVE to spend as many days as possible outdoors, like completely outdoors, for 10 hours or more. There is nothing really I need during my days other than clarity & inner stillness (#connection to nature) and a few tools to express what comes out of that state (pen & paper, voice recorder, chromebook). Then the only thing that is really needed, so I’m ready to spend 12 hours a day outdoors for weeks on stretch, is how I provide myself with healthy food. Not only eating nuts. How much to I want to carry around? How & when to prepare it? 

Things to figure out another day… It’s time to go. :)

[13.05.25, 9:00 am] Overwhelm

I feel quite a strong overwhelm this morning. Right now it probably at it’s lowest, having the clarity to write the diary now. In general though, there are so many things coming up/being present this morning that it feels like I will have to pay a high price no matter which way I choose. In all version I will not do most of the other things that seem very relevant and important right now. Paradoxically, this clarity leads to less action, more stuckness, and thereby and even higher price that I’m paying. 

Acknowledging that already deflates its power. I feel more calm now. Since starting the diary, but already 5-10 mins earlier, when I started the journal to write down all the things that I feel like doing that cause the overwhelm. I haven’t even noted down half and the list is already “too long”. But also it already created an inner release.

What’s important to me?

What do I really want? What is most relevant? Not right now, but in my life. Holding that other perspective will help to gain clarity on what’s the right thing right now.

#1 = Dissolving into a bigger Union. Attracting the Right People. Depening the relationships with existing people. Journaling about Anselm or Gabi. Letting go. Knowing also when it’s the right time to not deepen the relationship, when a relationship gets deeper (over time) by letting go & loosening the intensity.

#0 = going with the flow. Holding space for whatever wants to come through. Not filling the space out of fear or restlessness or impatience. Going slow. Pausing. Feeling the pain. Freeing up the space again if cluttered.

#1 (again) = Self-Mastercare. It’s not about me. It starts with me. Putting others first. Prioritizing myself, “lead myself first”. Both are true. Can I hold the tension? I like that new framework. Two #1 priorities and a #0 priority that always stay the same. Only from #2 on it varies.

So let’s ask myself again: What’s your priority today/right now/in general?

#0 = Hold space for Flow → Listen to what Life is asking of me and answer it to the best of my abilities.

#1 = twofold → a) Self-Mastercare + b) Dissolve into One Organism

All the specific things I wrote down earlier on the sheet, could fit in here. Yoga, backlog work, diary = self-Mastercare. Engaging with Anselm, Club registration, vision re-stating = Attracting the Right People / deepening existing ties.

It looks better if I draw it, then when I write it.

The only prios that don’t quite fit in directly are “Journaling on next place” and “Journaling on money next steps”. In some sense they are both fear related. In another sense, I could say they are about “holding space for Flow” longterm. Both of those don’t change my capacity today or tomorrow. But they have an impact for my capacity in a week or a month. AND: if they are bringing up fears right now, then they’re also related to holding space for flow right now. Any fear or unprocessed pain will diminish my capacity to do the right thing, to listen to life and answer accordingly. So from that perspective, they might be the most relevant thing to give attention. Not from a “solution” perspective (journaling about how I will “solve it”), but from a “disturbance” perspective = journaling about what they stir up und where I’m still over-identified with those voices. So let’s go there for a moment.

Fears on Place & Money

Interesting. I didn’t expect that when I started writing the diary. It was more like: “it’s certainly not going to end there, with those fear-based activies”. And here we are. Doing exactly that. But yeah, from a different perspective than what I meant, when I wrote them down (I wanted to journal about the actual solutions in this moment).

How do I feel right now? Quite light. They don’t have a strong hold on me. Yet: it’s still there. Subtly, in the background. And I guess it could come forth at any moment today, so let’s rather give it attention now, proactively.

What do my voices of fear say?

If you don’t make plans right now, you will end up in a struggle in a week. You will not have space for following through with what’s most important to you, because you don’t even have a place to stay (or money to buy food). It will take up your attention, it will create closeness, tightness & pain. You will spend most of the time, dealing with that, especially emotionally.

Ok, seems like a lot of dis-trust. Do my fears not think I’m capable of dealing with both? Of fully surrendering to the flow and be fine nonetheless? Do they not think that this might be exactly what I need to grow, to have an even more challening situation? Let’s go a layer deeper. What are they really afraid of?

Fear of being along. Fear of feeling the pain of not being supported, not being cared of. Fear to not be able to hold the pain myself. Fear that I will turn to numbing. Fear that I will feel shame/guilt around that. Fear that this creates even more numbing as I already can’t hold it.

Fear that I make compromises. (Interesting. That’s kind of a new one.) Fear that I will not follow my truth out of lack. Fear that I go with a “place to stay” solution that actually doesn’t feel right. Fear that I’m not true to myself becausey of the increased pressure.

Now I’m getting excited. xD

There is a different voice entering the scene that is kind of: “you bet. Wait for it and see. I’m stronger than you think I am.” That’s the part that wants to intentionally not plan anything, so this more challening situation comes up. It kind of wants to force it, “to prove it”. Also not healthy. Just the other extreme.

What feels right?

It feels right that I can handle the situation, even if the pressure increases. It feels right that I will grow from this, no matter how it turns out, whether I handle it or be overwhelmed. It feels right that I can trust and don’t need to protect myself from that situation.
What also feels right is that it would be valuable to give it time & attention early. To not wait until last minute on purpose, but to be proactive about both of those things. It feels right that this might open up new insights & options that I otherwise wouldn’t even consider. Options that might become valuable later on, even if not now.

Ultimately what feels right is that I can just trust the flow, trust life. It will lead where it’s supposed to lead. Be it planning early on & facing the topics (the objects of my fear) early on. Or be it no planning anything because there were always other topics coming up in the flow, ending up with exactly the situation that I’m fearing. Both are fine. I can trust.

What’s my state?

I feel even more light than earlier. There is more clarity, more calm, more soft inspiration. Yet they are not “gone” yet. The fears still occupy some inner space. They aren’t fully heard yet. The pain isn’t fully felt yet. So let’s stay alert. I might come back to this very early, maybe do a voice journal on it instead of writing. We will see. But for now: time for a break. Time for a walk in the sun. Time to eat & go to toilet. Time for Self-Mastercare. Peace.

[13:00] After Pain comes Joy & Inspiration

Let’s quickly write some diary, before I lose all the points that popped up the last 10 minutes on my walk.

• When you truly feel the pain, there is joy afterwards

• transcending the tendency to close

• club 2x2+1

  • weekly/monthly online gatherings

  • open meet-up place Freiburg (e.g. travelers)

• Use sign/codeword for ChatGPT to remind me of passages in this diary

• Elaborate with ChatGPT how to best transcribe favorite book sections

• Send certain passages from Untethered Soul C6+7 to Gabi & Ansi

• collect books/paragraphs that help me feel the pain when stored energy comes up

  • Untethered Soul p.57+p.64

[18:18] Danger time

It’s fuck up time. For the last 30 minutes or so (basically since I had dinner), there is one “lower self” impulse after another. There must be some pain that I’m not feeling, but not even that I’m really aware of. I just realize how on a superficial level, my attention is grabbed by one thing after the other. Smartphone, food, Laptop, smartphone again. And so on. Every time I manage only to step back 5%, I have instant clarity that this (whatever the impulse was) isn’t the right thing to do right now. But then there is emptiness, and a lot of room for the next impulse to come. Probably until I “give up” and just go with one. At least that’s what my magician would hope for. But not today, I guess. Let’s do a round of free word associations instead. And see where it leads

Free word associations

Food. Reading. Anselm. Verein. Attracting the right people. Inspiration. Purpose. Meaning. Fear. Money. Place to stay next. Sadness. Not being supported. Who cares for me (truly)? Parents. Mum. Friedrichshafen (my hometown). Poems. Writing. Loneliness. Community. Travelling. Money flow. Life’s path. Surrender. Sadness. Desire to unite. Travel with others. The right people. Questionnaire. Self-Mastery. Self-Mastercare. Youtube. Smartphone. Kryptonite(s). Power of Togetherness. True Togetherness. True-getherness. Desire. Longing. Pain. Heart. Burns. Meaning. Right now. Reading. Tolle. Singer. My calling. Facing Fears. What do I attract again & again? Journal. Integrity. Act in Alignment with my virtues. Close the gap. Now. Optimize. Brian Johnson. Boot Camp. Gabriel. Other people. Going all-in with life. As a team. Attracting matches. God, please make use of me. My capacities = not used yet. Daniel Schmachtenberger. AI. Forrest Landry. USA. Time will come. Start inside. Attracting the right people. Founding Club. Setting up process. Questionnaire. Funnels. Bring Together. Funding. Crowdfunding. Investors. Trust. Why do people not trust (me)? How can I become more trustworthy? Vulnerability. Real vulnerability. Porn. Sex. Dark Side. Anger. Hate. Frustration. Hiding. Good guy. Good boy. Childhood. Supressing darkness. Time to unravel. Supressed energy. Infinite potential. Excitement. Creativity. Power of true-gether. Vision. Calling. Owning my role. Unapologetic. Serving vs. pleasing. Telling the truth. Challenging. Being disliked. Awarness. Shining the light. Not letting the unconsciousness take over. Leadership Dilemma. My life. My priorities. Alignment. Integrity. Now. Reading. Journaling. Voice note. Breathing. PM-Routine. Yoga. Stretching. Hold the Pain. LEAP. Overwhelm. Too many things. All important. Choosing. Pain of losing out. Acceptance. Power of Now. Choice. Evolution of consciousness = realization of choice. Fear. What’s holding people back. Relationships. Love relationships. Dysfunctional. Real Love. Desire. Longing. Belonging. Poem. I long to belong. Sometimes I wonder. Trust. Why do I trust? What brought me here? Past lives. Choices. Luck. Circumstances. Doesn’t matter. It is what it is. Acceptance. Loving what is. Byron Katie. Wayne Dyer. The Shift. Docu. Internet. Neighbor. Not now. Not today. Too dangerous. Getting of track. Undisciplined. I don’t trust myself. Smartphone. Don’t want it. Need it. Power of together. Help each other stay present. Lock in awareness. Support. Real caring. Who cares for me? Who can? Intention vs. Perfection. Anselm. Mia. Elias. Linne. Noah. Teresa. Nina. Aluna. People. Gabriel. Dave. Maya. Travelling. Italy. Random. Freedom. Food. Service. Levity. Flow. Lightness. 2nd level lightness. Not looking away. Caring for all. Whole world. Pain. System. Trapped. Reinforcing limitations. Reinforcing unconsciousness. Choice. Pain. People at the edge. Matter most. Most painful to see “fail”. The world needs us. Everyone. Now. Not later. Now. Creating pain. Nature. Children dying. Unborn children. Animals. Biosphere. Sadness. Humans. Dangerous. Collective Mind. Self-destruction. Acceptance. Loving care. Loving awareness. Healing. True healing. Deep. Not superficial. Addressing gaps. Being the bad guy. Being misunderstood. Loneliness. Being seen. Truly seen. Longing. Belonging. Other people. The right people. Move forward. My most important task. Now? Keep writing. It will come. Pain. Body. Physical tension. Neck. Right side. Yoga. Stretching. Awareness. Stella Eisenstein. Brandy. Niam. NAAS. Heart closing. Heart beating. Softness. More softness. Presence. Holding Pain. LEAP. Commitment. Responsibility. True responsibility. 100% Dilemma. Leadership dilemma. Anselm. Together. Power. Pain. Gap. Sadness. Not-understanding. Chance. Empathy. Opening up. Growth. Gratitude. More gratitude. Life. Past years. Journey. Amazing. What happened. PTSV. Coach. Studying. Old life. Good life. Better life. Purpose. Meaning. Connection. Depth. Sacredness. Caring. Real caring. Love. Oneness. The world. Transcendence. Docu. Thankful. Djokovic. Food. Long path. It’s just the beginning. Day 1. Always day 1. Optimize. Heroic. Money. Investment. Email. Tension neck. Time to conclude. 30 more seconds. 3 more lines. No timer. What now? Fear. Losing connecting. Heart. Pain. Sadness. Breathing. Verein. Inspiration. Attracting the right people. Organically. Vision. ChatGPT. Writing. Trust. Failing. Acceptance. Intention vs. Perfection. Mistakes. Commitment. Last line. Funny. Schmunzeln. Shoulder. Pause. Music. Dance. Move. Body. Presence. Presence. Now.

[14.05.25, 08:37] True Togetherness

Bring together the Right People.

In the right way!

Online & Offline, liquid & gas.

Authentically, without social masks.

Organically without force.

A natural magnet that does both:

Attract who is ready, repell who is not.

Stick with what works, experiment a lot.

Remind of what’s true,

what we all already know:

Transcend separation, trust life where it leads.

True (!) Togetherness, is what the world really needs.

Verein (Club) for True Togetherness - Purpose & Intention 14.05.25_1753.MP3

This was my morning. It started without much inner calm, more a tendency towards overwhelm. Cacao Ceremony came up multiple times. I tried to ignore it multiple times, but then went to smell, in order to make a decision. It was a clear Yes! And from the moment I prepared the Cacao a calm entered my system. The Voice Recording on the “Club for True Togetherness” emergey already before I started actually drinking. Just the decision paved the way.

Now it’s time for my daily 1h-psychedelic breathing. 5 days in a row already, today is day 6. It’s a good moment, because I feel pretty unsettled again. Since I ended the recording, I’m kind of back in the “pre cacao” state: Overwhelm & restlessness. It was nice to quickly write this diary entry, but it’s even nicer to do the breathing now. :))

⭐⭐ My First (Real) Transcendental Experience

I want to write. I just want to write. To put into words what I can’t put into words. Not with my mouth, but with the tips of my fingers.

But there is more than I even could write. Multiple “topics” that would deserve multiple hours of my time. Two big ones stick out for me right now: (1) The deep knowing “All I will ever do is relax & release” during the meditation part of the 1h psychedelic breath journey. And (2) My first (real) transcendental experience. Although that second one could cover multiple subtopics.

How do I want to go about this? How do I want to write about this, knowing I will only cover a fraction?

I guess I will start by the flow of events and then go from there.

All I will ever do = Relax & Release

It started with a “normal” psychedelic breath journey. It was certainly an intense one, yet also not the most intense one I’ve ever had.

In the aftermath of the actual breathing (phase 1) I had one big clarity that overshadowed everything else. “All I will ever do is relax & release”. I was intensely connected to my heart and kind of experienced in a condensed session what usually happens during the day. Heart tenses up. There is some emotion (sadness, anger, frustration). The muscles tensen up as well. I relax. The emotion is released. I feel calm for a second, my heart is soft. Then it tenses up again. Repeat. I knew in that moment that this is all what life is about. All my willpower (you could call it choice) will go into this process. Nothing else. Really, I mean it: NOTHING else. Everything else that I apparently do is being done through me. It’s just life expressing itself through my words, actions, ideas, etc. If I live a life in alignmend with LIFE itself, then I will need to do nothing of that. The only thing I will need to do, is to allow. Allow that to happen, allow the flow of life to take over, allow this infinite intelligence, higher consciousness to take over. Just not interfere. And as the only thing that can interfere are my inner resistances/my attachments, all I will ever do (if in alignment) is relax & release. Notice when my heart (and/or body) tenses up and relax in face of the tension. Not looking away, not pretending it’s not there, not supressing the tension. Looking right at the tension, facing it lovingly, and then relax into it. Relaxing right into the tension. Going with my awarness to the point where the tension is the strongest. And then relax and allow the emotion (or whatever energy pattern was stuck) to flow through, to be released. That’s all. Ever. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Everything else is being handled for me. Or through me, whatever framing you prefer…

Ok, that was more than just describing the flow of events. xD That was more like a short version of what I would have written about for hours otherwise. But let’s continue with the flow of events:

The Flow of Events

So the meditation part comes to an end. Usually that’s when I wait for a few more minutes and then get up. But not his time (phase 2 begins). After the Psychedelic Breath Journey is complete, a new song comes up on my speakers. It was a “1h Sleep Frequencies” file that I just put in the playlist for the first time. And now comes the crazy part.
The moment the sleep frequencies started, I realized how I couldn’t feel my hands anymore. I had experienced that before in meditation or during breathings, it was just an unusual moment to occur. Then I “lost” the connection to my heart. It wasn’t as present anymore, compared to the 20 minutes before, when I was just consciously feeling into it and releasing. That, in hinsight, was the start of my first real transcendental experience. More on that later. I have tons of hand-written notes.

I have no idea how long it went (obviously, it’s a no-time state), maybe just 5 minutes, maybe 20. All I know is that the 1h file played quite a while afterwards. That was my “Relax & Release Party”. I was back into full body awareness. My heart was beating more intense as before. I felt immense amounts of restlessness, like when I head my psychedelic mushroom experience (and compared to no restlessness at all during the transcendental experience). And from then on it was just a struggle (phase 3). Or not. Hard to make the distinction. It was painful, uncomfortable, a lot of physical tension, a lot of emotional disturbances. But at the same time it was easy. It was easy to stay with it. Easy to do the hard thing (relax & release) again & again. There were moments when I felt like giving up (& getting up), but only a second later there was a smile, and the intense clarity that I will “stick with it”. Just relax & release again. And so I did. For another 40-50 minutes, before I got up and journaled about my experience.

Finally, I went for a walk with my journals & my chromebook and found a place under a beautiful tree on top of a small mountain in Nimburg. I’m looking straight at the Black Forest (in it’s full breadth) and my feet point straight at the Kaiserstuhl and the Vogesen. What a beautiful scenery to write those words right now…

[break]

[13:15] Interlude – Too much Energy to hold

“Relax & Release Party” – that’s a good motto for my whole life from now on. It was also all I was doing (when I didn’t get lost in thoughts) during the break. I chose to walk back to the house and cook some rice (to eat it with my vegetable leftovers from yesterday). I don’t feel quite well right now. Especially physicall. But it doesn’t really seem to bother me. It’s there (the discomfort). I can observe it. It’s okay. It’s still there.

At the same time, today could be a prime example of “not being able to hold the energy”. Like when Anselm was talking about the Men Circle lately and how connected they all felt (to each other, themselves & the world) and then went on with their days. Once they entered the “normal world” the discrepancy was too much to hold. Numbing impulses (for all 5 who joined that way) basically started within minutes after they left.

And so it happened to me many times before. There aren’t only those numbings where I don’t want to feel a pain, where there is too much “negative” energy. But also when there is too much “positive” energy to handle. Or maybe if we reframed it, it becomes pain again: It’s not so much that we couldn’t hold the positive energy, but more that we couldn’t bear the pain of the discrepancy. And so the numbing was a not-acceptance of that pain. Whatever way we frame it: I can sense the potential of this in my life today. Right now I’m super present, it’s easy to notice everything that’s happening. I’m super alert you could say. But I also know I will lose that state sooner or later. I will recover it, but for a while, I will lose it. And then the tension between what was earlier (very present) and now (only half-conscious”) becomes a huge challenge. Let’s see what happens. Let’s make that the game itself. Not to prevent it from happening. But to observe. To see & realize when it’s happening (I know that’s kind of a paradox) and then to relax & release that.

The rice takes around another 5 minutes. I’m not just yet going to transfer my hand-written notes from this morning about the transcendental experience (phase 2). It will have to wait.

[15:15] Interlude 2 – Sometimes you cause pain with good intentions

I’m still not in an inspired state. Earlier I indeed went on Youtube for 15 minutes. Could I not hold it? It was more like I didn’t even try. Just get it over with. And so I did. My heart was bumping fast afterwards and I decided to take a break. Before I could decide where to nap (inside or outside) I saw a big Libelle (what’s that in English) being half-trapped inside the room. I’m not sure whether she was even able to stay alive for long (she was lying on her back halt of the time) or if she was in the dying process. Nonetheless, I decided to “save her”, by bringing her outside. Not only turned that out to be more diffucult than expected, I also hesitated a few times, when I did have a chance, waiting for an even better opportunity. Well, it didn’t get there. I don’t know how, but she got stuck in a gap between floor and wall and couldn’t get out anymore. Earlier when she was on her back, at least after a few attempts she managed to fly again (until she landed on the back again). But this time she didn’t even move. So I tried to help, tried to get her out of that gap, using different tools I could find. The painful truth: I made it worse. Not only did I not free her, I probably damaged her wings in the process. Probably she wouldn’t have made it out anyways, but who knows, maybe she would have made one final desperate attempt and free herself entirely. After my interference that option was no more. I realize how, even though it might be true, I was (and maybe still am) using the story that she wouldn’t get out anyways as a shield against the pain. I didn’t want to feel what I finally ended her life. And that I might have saved it if I didn’t hesitate. I guess that last part is the bigger one. After she got stuck I really feel I gave it my best. I guess if that situation alone happened, I would be fine with it, knowing I did all I could. But part of the story is that she only ended up there in the first place, because I hesitated earlier. Because I didn’t take full responsibility. I kind of hoped “she would just fly out” and “I can care for it later, if it doesn’t work”. But if I’m honest to myself: I realized very early that this wouldn’t be the case and that my help would be needed. Yet I made my comfort (not confronting fear, not getting into the dirty corner, etc) more important. That hurts. It still does.

[...]

After I wrote that last sentence I went to see her and look the pain in the eye. She was still moving. Maybe I should completely kill her, I thought. But maybe I would make it worse again, not knowing if I would even be able to, as much as she is buried in that gap. Probably I should just leave her die. Stuck but not seriously hurt. My attempt to end her pain, might cause even more pain. Or maybe that’s just another story I tell myself to avoid responsibility.

It reminds me of a situation around one year ago, where a squirrel got rolled over by a car, just infront of my eyes. It was still moving afterwards, shaking, probably on its way to death but not dead already. I couldn’t bear it. I couldn’t even look at it. I walked on. I’m not sure if I cried later, but certainly I felt a lot of pain. Maybe there was indeed nothing I could do, and walking on would have been the right thing. But I couldn’t even make that choice, I couldn’t even consider killing it completely to relieve it from suffering (assuming any real saving was not on the table, which I didn’t think about in this moment either). Later I had a vision how I kneeled own by it, at least looking at it and letting the pain flow through, maybe crying on the spot. Whatever I would have chosen to do, it would have been at least that: a choice. In my instance, it was pure reaction, pure avoidance of pain, pure resistance to reality, to what just happened. Without realizing of course, that this way I created more pain. As the pain I didn’t feel in the moment wasn’t gone, just supressed, and creating more of itself until it was freed & felt. I guess this still isn’t the case fully… I did give it multiple moments, where I grieved, released some of the energy when the scene came to mind. But just the fact that it came up right now and that my body tensened in the process, shows that it’s still in my system. So: Another chance to release. Let my close my eyes a bit more, going into my heart more explicitly.

[15.05.25, 11:15] Where I’m at

Where am I at?

State = pretty calm, relaxed, peaceful. No big inspiration hitting yet, only small moments. Heart closing and softening again. The cycle continues.

Context = Out in nature, on a forest bench. Listening to birds, the wind, and – for the last 20 seconds – to a mouse in the nearby bush.

What’s present? Club founding. “ChatJFK”. People. Money. Place (living) situation. Priorities. Unclarity. Slight overwhelm. Not taking over though. Letting go. Diary. Other writings. Recording memos (for people, for topics). Yoga, physical tension/activity. Yesterday’s first real transcendental experience → more writings? Transcription tools. German & English. Support (being supported). Anselm (return, Check-In)

Where I’m heading

Let’s step out for a moment. Imagine I would meet someone new. Someone who is interested in what is going on and has no prejudices or stories about what happened in the past, any yet – somehow paradoxically – still all “objective” information on my past journey.

Let’s imagine this person would jump with me in a conversation about where my path leads next. What would I hear myself say?

First, I would start with setting the frame. That I don’t know. And that I can’t know. Because life is unpredictable and expresses itself moment to moment. And if I have the intention to not force anything but “let life live through me”, then all concrete things that I say will be highly limited to my current point of view. They will say more about my state now & how I see the world then about the actual future. Yet, with that being said, I would happily share what I see now as one or more pathways forward. (The mouse is still active btw).

So I would say that I assume that my with my closest friends there are no big events/changes happening in the near future. There will be some moments when I will hold space for/with them, but it’s not going to take up most of my time & attention as it did over the last 5-6 weeks or so.

The empty space will be filled with me laying the very foundation of everything that is to come, starting by setting up an “Chat JFK”, by creating a huge PDF file with all relevant articles I ever wrote + transcripts of all relevant voice recordings + etc. Knowing that I’ve already collected so many ideas in different journals and answered so many questions that come up in every context/project/relationship, this will basically serve as a “relative truth base” (like a knowledge base, for more than knowledge). ChatGPT can then help me put my visions & ideas into presentable context, only using my actual words. It can also answer basic questions for other people, which I otherwise wouldn’t prioritize, basically laying the groundwork to catch up, until we get to a depth of questions that I feel called to engage with personally right now. Once that is done (needs 1-2 good transcription tools → money?!), the efficiency with which I can set-up everything else will be hugely increasing.

The first thing I would then focus on is “organically attracting the Right People” or the “Club for True Togetherness”. Sending in the document for the founding of the club as early as possible, so that the 4-week waiting period until approval will pass soon. Then I would write and speak a lot about the purpose of the club and the vision of how it could unfold. Again making use of the transcripts & ChatGPT to bring into presentable form to send it to other people.

Probably I would first finish the Questionnaire, the central part of the “organic filtering process”, before creating a crowdfunding campaign and send it out. In this way, people who enter the crowdfunding and the vision can already experience it in action. They can go through the whole process and see (and more importantly feel) what it is like.

After that it would be all about “creating funnels”. Creating doorways, entry points through which to get in contact with the “project”. Life itself will present the opportunities for entry doors, online & offline. I guess a few obvious ones that would naturally come up early are: a) posts on BringTogether and other community platforms, b) local flyers for people in Freiburg, c) Nebenan.de posts for multiple purposes, d) Upwork & other freelance or online project platforms. And probably “normal” social media as well, we will see. The better the foundation (the organic filtering process, the introduction into it / the intention of it, the purpose & vision of the Club, and the functionality of “ChatJFK”), the lower the friction will be for putting out posts and creating entry points. Probably during this phase there will be realizations where this foundation is still sub-optimal and some time will be spent to iterate & adapt there.

And then it will be all about the people. Engaging with what comes in via the channels and listening to what life presents. All future steps (e.g. concrete projects) will be highly dependent on the people that are being attracted that actually feel like “the right people”. If I had to guess, I would say that the “Online-Course Universe” would come back into focus pretty quickly. There were so many people interested during the early Normal Life Experiment phase, that this could be re-started quickly and that I have no doubt to find more people in that context easily. I guess that’s something like “the Default thing to happen”. As in: If nothing big pops up through the attracted people, then it will naturally lead to this. Knowing though, that there is a high probability for the unexpected, the improbable to happen.

[17.05.25] I was free

Saturday morning, the first time there is “real” heaviness back since the morning with the transcendental experience. By “real” heaviness I mean some tight-up-ness that doesn’t go away instantly, that is there not just for a moment or two and then leaves, but kind of “stuck in the system”. Because that was also the main takeaway of the last 3 days. For at least 2,5 of those days (until yesterday afternoon), I felt free as I never have. It was like nothing could touch me. Things would happen, emotions would come up, my body would tensen. And then it would be gone. Like writing on water. It’s there for a moment, leaves a few small waves for a few more moments. And then is gone completely. Not to be seen, nor to be known it was ever there. Those were my days. Why did I not write diary? I don’t even know what happened. I would need to actively recall. Oh, yeah, there it comes. I will share it in a minute. Before: It was beautiful. It was like life truly was my friend in all aspects, in all moments. Even the heavy ones were not really heavy anymore. They were just energy passing through me. As long as I was totally present, as long as I could go into any resistance & tightness even more and then relaxe into it & release, to that extent I felt completely free. I only now realize how much tension there is in my face constantly. And has been over years and decades. Even in the moment when I felt relaxed! It’s still there. Subtle. But it’s there. So this was it: Releasing & Relaxing on a deeper level every day.

Anselm Abstand

Abstand means “distance” in German (I kept it for the harmony of the words). And that is what Anselm, my closest friends, announced on Thursday. He wants, at least for a (undefined) time period, not to be in contact. Or not in deep contact. We will find out. We haven’t really talked about what it means yet.
In the past, those moments would have been something that would have “hit me” pretty badly. Old emotions would come up, feelings of loneliness would be strong, fear, anger, sadness, disappointment, everything. My deepest desire is the “dissolving into One Organism”, laying next to the greatest wound of loneliness/abandonment/not being cared for. Anselm is the person closest to me, where I can see the potential of this “organic behaviour as one” most clearly. So this comes close to both, my deepest wound & deepest desire. And so I would have had to take a long time processing in the past. Surely a few hours, most likely the first half of the next day (it was an evening). But not this time. I might be lying to myself and I haven’t processed it at all, but that’s not how it feels. It feels like I have been processing it on the go. When I said “I felt as free as never before” that was the hallmark. It felt as if I didn’t need time to process things anymore, I could process them “real time”. They come up, happen, flow through me, gone. The writing on water thing. It really felt that way with Anselm on the phone. Sadness came, pain came, all that I wrote before. And yet they weren’t “there”. They just flew through in multiple smaller and bigger waves. But even at the end of the call, I didn’t feel heavy, I felt light. I felt calm & inspired, soft & tender, grateful & loving. And so I did at the rest of the evening, having had one of my most beautiful journals & cacao ceremonie’s in one of the most difficult moments (at least that’s what it could have been). And the next morning was the same. Life could have gone on like this forever… But it didn’t…

Presence = the key

I’m not quite sure what happened, but at some point during the day yesterday, I lost access to that total presence, where I could process everything on the go. I was in nature the whole day, so it should have been the optimal environment to stay in the state. But apparently, in this case, it was not. Probably nothing really “happened”. I was just less present. Less present with my heart, less present with the things that wanted to flow through. So instead of writing on water, they started writing on sand again. Still quite easy to get over with, but standing there a bit longer. And the more time passed by, the more it went up the beach, the longer the life-line of those emotions & impressions. So here I am, Saturday morning, finding my way back into this total presence, where things just happen and I just observe. But it’s not like I’m doing anything. Relax & Release not only applies in that state, but is also the ONLY way to ever enter that state. So that’s what I do. I become aware of the stickiness, the thightness in my body, heart, and inner energy field. I move closer into it, closer to the point there it is really uncomfortable. And I release. I soften up in face of the exact tension, making it a game to dance with it and embrace it lovingly. And then I let go. Releasing is not so much “done” by much, but happens automatically. Well, I might hold the intention to release. Yes, that’s a nice framing. I might not “do” the releasing, but what I do is the “relaxing with the intention to let it go”. If I would just relax, but had the intention to keep it, it would only have a fraction of it’s impact.

Why do I write?

So why do I write here if I do nothing else but “relax & release”? Well, I. realized that this helps me a lot to become present. Everytime I’m stuck, and can’t process things as they are happening on the go, everytime I feel I can’t fully access the tension in my body & relax, when the emotions just stay around and create heaviness, then writing helps. Writing is already kind of a release to me. I guess it would be even measurable on my nervous system. So yeah. Either writing is not really done by me, but a result of clarity, inspiration & inner stillness, done through me. Or it’s part of the release itself, part of re-gaining full presence over what is happening. My theory is, that right now, when I stop writing, I will have a much easier time, feeling into my heart, being present with the tension and relax & release. Way more so then before I started writing. Why not test that out right away…

Why do you choose to suffer? — The Path of Unconditional Happiness

No too long ago, I asked my closest friend: “Why do you choose to suffer?”
We had just finished a cacao ceremony on the nearby hill and julst when he was about to leave, he asked me to give him one question for his way down & home. That was the question that came up for me in this moment.

A few moments ago (on the way to the toilet → for those who enjoy unneccessary “too much information” bits), an answer came to me. The question in my mind was more general: “Why do people choose to suffer?”. The answer? Because they don’t choose to be unconditionally happy! Don’t get hung up with the word happiness here. I don’t mean it! I mean rather deep joy, or inner peace, or infinite bliss. Whatever word you use for that highest state you can imagine, that’s the word I mean. “Why do people choose to not be happy?”

Well, they want to be happy. But only if… Only if this turns out that way. Only if this happens. Only if this doesn’t happen. Only if I have this job/house/amount of money. Only if I stay together with my wife & children. Only if I find my purpose. Whatever it is, it is conditional. Any condition you create, will limit your happiness. Unconditional happiness is ultimately under your control. Conditional happiness is not! You cannot control the world, you cannot guarantee that those things happen or not happen. And if your happiness depends on them, you start to believe that your happiness is not under your control. But it is. Unconditional happiness is. If you truly look into this (which means into yourself), this will become quite obvious. You will feel more alive when you choose not to close your heart when events happen, you will be of more service to those around you, when you choose to “be loving no matter what”. You will be in deeper alignment with Life & the Universe, when you choose to be happy.
Which begs another question: “Who don’t people choose unconditional happiness, if it’s so obvious?”

Because they forget. Because they are not aware that this is the case or because they lost the connection to that awareness. Why is that? Because people are not present? Because our mind takes up all the attention space. Because we’re lost in conditioning and unconsciousness. Well, why is that? Probably because we over-identify with our inner voices. We don’t know them to be separate from us, only momentary expressions of separation. We think that’s who we are. We built an identity around them, a personality. So what do we do about it? Probably just throw our hands up and give up. Because I could go on like this forever. I could always give another reason. And I could always ask another time: “And why is this?”. Ultimately I will even circle back to the same things I started with. Here is an example:

Why are we identifying with separated parts rather than the whole? Because we’re not conscious enough yet. Why are we not conscious enough yet? Because our envorinment pulls us towards separation rather than interbeing. Why are we not choosing a different environment then? Because the collective field or energy pull isn’t strong enough to make a change. Why isn’t it strong enough? Because there are not enough people holding the space of light, rather getting involved in the darkness. Why are there not enough people? Because you, the individual, is not committed yet. Because you choose to suffer rather than to be unconditionally happy. We’re back at where we started.

Bad news? There will be always some other thing that holds us back from the last thing, back from what we truly desire. There is always an excuse available, always another “if …, then it will finally be possible”. Always another condition. That’s because all is inextricably connected with everything else. Or more: it’s all one. Just different perspectives, different angles on the same reality. If you choose to see it through a dark lense, you will see it dark in every expression. There is no way out! Just give up now…

Or…

Let’s take a look at the good news: If there is no one thing that it starts with, no one thing that leads to the next, that then leads to be finally being able to [...], that then finally leads to me being happy, then we can start anywhere! Yes, anywhere! You can choose to become more present and it will have impact on your joy & happiness. You can choose to change your environment, so the pull towards conscious behaviour is stronger, making it easier for you to be rooted in it. You can choose to dis-identify with those inner voices of separation. Anything. There is no start, there is no end. There is just choice. And your just MUST be unconditional. As long as it’s conditional you actually haven’t made a real choice. You’re still in the old cycle, subconsciously you’re still trapped. But if you make a real choice, you can make it everywhere! Around every topic. In every moment. There is no limitation to choice. As there is no limitation to happiness.

But: Don’t I need to be present/conscious enough to exert real choice?
Well, yes. But what is “being present” other than a choice? Moment to moment life presents you with the opportunity to be fully present. There is no moment when that’s not the case. You will not always take it, you might fail from time to time. But what does it matter? There is always a next moment, a new Now. And therefore a new choice.
Don’t get trapped in the “I need to be enough conscious to make choice, but I don’t become conscious enough without choice” cycle. It’s the same cycle as before. Only a bit more eloquent. Let it all go. All of those concepts, all frameworks. Presence just is. Choice just is. At every moment. Right here. Right now. So what do you do with it?
It’s your choice…

[22.05.25, 19:30]

Youtube impulses were strong today. Or maybe even more food (I’m fasting). No wonder! After having done 6 or so 1h breathings in a row to start my days, I haven’t done any (only one short one) since I left Nimburg. I’m staying with Gabriel right now and it’s a difficult situation. At least from a clarity stand-point. It’s not that easy for me to see what is the right thing to do, what to spend my time & attention for, etc. So also no wonder there is a lot of space for numbing impulses to creep in.

Why did I not write diary the last days? Good question! I don’t know. It probably would have helped big time. So interestingly enough, the days when I would most benefit from writing the diary are also the days when it’s most likely that I will skip it…

The last days

So what happened the last days? It was clear that I was leaving Nimburg, unclear though where to. I trusted the flow and only went active, when my intuition led me there. In the end, it turned out perfectly again. Gabriel was actively asking me, if I want to stay with him at the same time as I got a “No” from the people I asked proactively. Also I was at the perfect place here, the optimal place to serve. So Monday, when I was moving, when obviously by fast. So did Tuesday when I had (additionally to conversations with Gabriel) to spontaneous meetings and two spontaneous phone calls. All of them (very) meaningful, none of them planned. Wednesday wasn’t as intense, but still had a similar dynamic. Today was basically the first “day off”. And boom, the impulses come in strong. Must me – and I realized that “live” as well – that I wasn’t able to process everything on the go. There is still leftovers, stuff that needs processing if it doesn’t want to go suppressed as a Samskara. I’m not done yet! And it feels painful to realize that the connection to my heart faded a bit again. But I guess that was to be expected. Actually… let’s take a quick personal look back over the relationship with my heart. That might be interesting for myself to reflect on…

Me & My Heart

July 2022 – Realization that my heart is closed

My heart might have been partially open in certain moments (seeing a child laugh, play with a dog, etc.) but in general I can see looking back: It was closed. The heart chakra wasn’t open. Energy wasn’t flowing through as it is supposed to be. Before July 2022 I wasn’t even aware of it. I probably would have defend it pretty strongly, clinging to the moment when my heart indeed was (at least partially) open. I can remember a moment (or multiple) during the community visit from Dave, Maya & me in Berstadt where people shared how they felt a connection on some levels, but how it was difficult for them to connect on a heart level. Yep… A hard (or heart) pill to swallow… But sooner or later, I realized: They were right. Not that it changed anything immediately, but at least I wasn’t in a complete illusion anymore.

January 2024 – Heart Opening #1

Yes, it took a while! I could name gradual improvements before, but it doesn’t feel like the general state had changed. More moments of openness and maybe slightly higher degrees in openness, but still only moments.

Then in January 2024 I cried big time again for the first time, and it felt like with this a huge crack happened in the armor that was around my heart. More here: [cllc] JFK crying.

April-June 2024 – The door shuts back down

So while it wasn’t a permanent opening that has happened, at least I could regularly access my heart now. I knew I could cry again and I knew I would feel soft and loving after. But still: It wasn’t a day to day thing. Pressure would build up because the heart wasn’t open and it needed the “crying breakthrough” to open it again. Those cycles went for the first few months. Until I entered a period of more “darkness” or “heaviness” when I didn’t even fully cry anymore. Compared to 2023 and earlier, it was all good and normal. Compared to what I – at least potentially – could access now, it was a huge downgrade.

July - November – Higher Baseline

After that period, it slowly started to shift again. I would say that I just entered a “new normal”. The was the old normal, then the peak, then the drop (old normal, new low), and finally it evened out on the “new normal”. Lower than the high’s I experienced, but way higher than the old normal. Was that complicated? I guess it’s clear nevertheless…

February 2025 – 2nd Heart Opening

Just before I started this diary.
[cllc] Entering a new level of consciousness LIVE (18.-?? February 2025)

The new level was different in the sense that crying wasn’t really needed anymore for me opening my heart. It would now work as well “just like that”. Not always, not perfectly. But it was possible “by an act of will”. I was still able to cry, but I cried less, without the feeling that there is pressure building because of it.

The connection didn’t hold too long though. Then it was back to “old normal” (new low).

4th of May 2025 - Intensity without Substance Help

Psychedelic Breathing. Felt super open. Intense connection as in the Psychedelic Phase. But this time without any substance help. That’s a next step.

I called Anselm that day in order to share it and also shared how I was afraid of loosing it again…

I wanted to hold the intense connection as long as possible, but I could sense how difficult that would be. So it was…

I thing it was even that same evening that I ended up on Youtube again. It was just too much to hold.

9th - 15th of May 2025

More consistent access. I could now enter the state of deep, intense connection with my heart multiple times per day, basically per will. I just needed to be present enough and take enough time, then I would restore the connection. Even if completely lost just minutes before, it would work.

At the end of that period there were even 2,5 days of basically complete connection. Maybe not “non-stop” but it was like flipped default. There were moments of not total connection, but the normal (for those 2,5 days) was intense connection.

May 19th onwards

Back to the now. It stilly feels possible to have the connection, and I still had it a few times every day, but it’s like the defaults are switched again. Observing the dynamics of earlier I would say: New level entered over the first two weeks of May, now back to “normal”. But it’s not normal anymore. It’s a low now. What I experience now in those last days, is kind of the absolute disconnection for my skill level now. It’s likely that in the next few days it will even out a good portion higher than right now, and still a good portion lower than those 2,5 “super high” days. Let’s see. Certainly no need to panic though, just because I have lost the access quite a bit again. Normal dynamic. Let’s enjoy the whole dance…

[23.05.25] DaVinci 100 Questions

I’m laying in the room with Gabriel, journaling on paper. Then clarity hit: I want to do the DaVinci 100 Questions exercise again. Why not do it directly in the diary. So here we are:

• How to be more vulnerable?

• Why do people not trust me?

• How long will this take?

• Will I leave all the questions in the diary or only a few and link the rest?

• …

• What am I REALLY afraid of?

• How can I face my loneliness even more?

• How I can I FEEL and let go of my loneliness even more?

• Where am I manipulating myself without realizing it?

• Where am I attracting my own pain?

• What learning have I already learned but aren’t living accordingly?

• What am I missing?

• What would help my heart to stay open constantly?

• Is Ayuasca my next psychedelic experience?

• …

• What am I still fighting against?

• What is time to let go of?

• What is it time to integrate?

As you can see, I chose the version to only leave a few of the questions in the diary directly. All the rest (along with past 100 Questions exercises) you can find here: [J] DaVinci 100 Questions exercise

[24.05.25] How beautiful is it to live inside of you?

How is it to live in there? Yes, inside of you! How is it? Beautiful, warm, and welcoming? Or cold and uncomfortable?

Imagine you live in a house that’s completely dirty. Especially the walls. There are some layers of filth & dirt that just destroy the whole atmosphere. You can even smell it. What do you do?

You’ve tried many things already, it just doesn’t work. Mostly, it doesn’t improve it at all. And even the attempts that do work, work only at such a slow pace that it doesn’t feel worth continuing. You’re getting a bit of the dirt off here & there, but with that pace, you would need 3 lifetimes; to even get only half of the walls clean; not even speaking about the floor and all the other stuff.

So you decide to just hang the walls. Just put furniture in front of the walls so you don’t see them. Maybe paint them. And use an air-spray to overshadow the subtle rotten smell.

But let’s be honest: You know it’s still there. You know it exactly! And you feel it. Maybe you forget for a moment about the filthy walls and feel elated. But sooner or later, it’s daunting on you, and you’re back to feeling uncomfortable in there again.

And you can’t even move to another house. It’s the only one there is… And committing suicide doesn’t help either. I will just re-enter a similar house; with the same old problems; with the same old filthy walls. So what to do?

There are only two choices: 1) Staying in there and fighting reality, complaining about the bad situation you’re in, and how it’s not your fault. Or 2) Taking Responsibility and starting the real work.

Personally, I feel very comfortable in my house. I like being here. Most of the time, I even wholeheartedly love it! Are my walls all clean? No! Yet still I enjoy it in here. It’s beautiful inside!

Well, I did find a way to clean my walls. I tested around a lot, never settling with the slow pace from the beginning that would never allow me to clean all the walls, while I’m living in here. So I started cleaning. It works. And I feel comfortable with the pace. It actually even excites me every day! So it’s no wonder that I enjoy life in here. 

Imagine two scenarios: 1) A person with only half of the walls filthy, but without a way of cleaning them yet. 2) a person with 90% of the walls filthy but who found a way to clean them & is excited about the process. Who is more happy to be inside? Who would you rather be? Well, it’s pretty obvious. Even though there is more dirt, the second person is going to be much more happy in there…

And so that is my life. Still a lot cleaning to be done. But I’m on it. And in a way that I can say, I truly enjoy being (in) here. It’s not only that I’m optimistic about the cleaning, because of the way I found, it’s that the cleaning itself is effortless & fun. Yes, sometimes it’s hard work and it stinks, sometimes I get frustrated or annoyed or angry. But the hard work itself is part of what I enjoy, the frustration & anger are part of cleaning that is such an exciting process to watch.

And so here I am. Saying that this is not just a coincidence. Saying that this would work for everyone, that everyone could enjoy their house from the inside. That there is a way that works!
Yes, you’re walls are different than mine! Yes, the picture the dirt draws on the walls looks different in your house than in mine. And yes, there are differences in how long it takes to clean certain spots and what techniques work best in that particular area. But: the general way of cleaning is the same for everyone!
And: it works for everyone! Don’t believe me? Try it out! There is only one way to find out. Get on the journey yourself and see. Experience the experience. And then evaluate again.

Want to make it beautiful to live inside? There is only one person who can do the (real) work. There is no one else who can do it for you. No one else lives inside you. So take responsibility! Remember: There is only one house you have. Why not own that fact right now and begin your purification journey? It’s gonna be beautiful! Not only the result, but the process itself. Why not take a gamble and take on the adventure of making it wonderful in there? It’s gonna be worth it. It’s your choice…

[15:45] The Connection is baack (!) – The heart is burning

We’re back! Faster than I expected. More intense than I expected. My heart is intensely present again. So intensely that I can’t remember having had a period of such a long, consistent burning of the heart except for the hours after my mushroom trip. Between 11 am and 2 pm I was doing nothing more than that: Watching my heart burn. I believe it was one of the first entries of this diary when I wrote that watching the heart is more entertaining than any movie, more thrilling than the Super Bowl. Today I got another taste of that sentiment. That came not only surprising after my entry two days ago, but also because I spent around 4 hours yesterday trying to reconnect until I finally managed to establish only a small connection. I started with a 1-hour Psychedelic breathing – the “weakest” one for ages – then a cacao ceremony alone, followed by a lot of journaling and a 2nd cacao ceremony when Gabriel returned. Only then, just before we did the 100-Questions-exercise, I felt like a slim connection has been re-established. And now this today. Without any effort it seems, but I guess that was already paid yesterday morning and during the very present evening with Gabriel. So maybe it shouldn’t surprise me. But it does. xD

What’s even better. I had lost touch with this heart connection for almost two hours, when making/having lunch and even going on Youtube. But just a few minutes ago, when I entered the forest and slowed down again, it was back. That’s what I mean, when I speak of the default being connection and dis-connection the exception. It’s not like I needed to do anything. I just needed to stop interfering and bam, it was back. Compared to the days before, where I didn’t feel the connection just by slowing down, but only in occasional moments.

So, we’re back. Let’s see how long it sticks with me this time. :)) Certainly, I’m glad & getting more & more confident. This intense connection finds me more & more frequently. It stays longer and the moments/days of absence get shorter. Seems like it’s only a matter of time until it is present with me basically all day, every day, except for short moments of dis-connection. Looking forwad to that period! :)

[17:30] The Human Predicament – In my words

In Living Untethered Michael Singer writes about the “human predicament”, a framing I’ve become a fan of and just felt about putting it into (my own) words. So: What is the human predicament?

In one word: over-identification. In three words: Mind + will + illusion.

As humans we have the unique capacity to NOT allow life to flow through us. We can use our will to close our energy centers (chakras) and then use our mind to create stories & justifications around that. Or rather we should say: Our mind uses us. In a healthy being, all of life’s experiences would just pass right through us, without leaving scars. We would feel joy, then it’s gone. We would feel pain, then it’s gone. Moment to moment we would just experience everything that’s there and then be completely open (unblocked) for the next moment. But: pain feels painful. And so we use our will to resist the energy from passing through us. We store the energy in our system, creating inner blockages, or “samskaras”. We then try to avoid that those blockages are being hit and try to create the world around us, so it aligns with our samskaras, using the mind to create our own reality. So far so good. But here comes the real problem: We get lost in all that. It’s not only that we’re having those tendencies and observe them. No, the disturbance pulls all our attention in, to the point that our awareness is sucked in completely. We start to believe that we are that story, this emotion, that though, those visions. We’re not only playing a role (a human game) anymore, we’ve become that role, we’re unconscious. That’s the human predicament.
Having the will to block (unpleasant) life’s experiences, the flow of energy to pass through us, the tendency to use the mind to create stories & identities around those samskaras (or rather the way of how we personally try to avoid them) and then having our attention being sucked into that story completely. There we have the recipe for war, depression, slavery, biological genocide, and even individual physical disease. Sounds fun? It is. But we have the ability to raise above (or go beyond) the human predicament. To live a human life, with all tendencies, without the tendencies taking over, without being unconsciously lost in them. That’s the task of our time as a human species. That’s the real work for every human being in the waking-up process.

[25.05.25] Only 1 year left to live

I woke up this morning with the question “How would it be, if I got the info that I only have one year left to live?”

And I don’t mean an abstract question of the mind. I could feel the question in my body, in my bones. I could even see the concrete scenario (tick, no health care). It didn’t feel like theory, it felt real.
So how did it feel?

It felt warm. There was a “that would be nice” feeling. I felt powerful and on purpose. There was total clarity on how to act. Bring the right people together. Invite to join my cause unapologetically. Ask people to step up. Bring out in the world what is waiting within me to be expressed. Ask for funds & material support with intensity. Intensity might be the key word. The was a huge intensity! I just wouldn’t waste my time on anything that wouldn’t be worth it. Youtube? Still there (the impulse) = it would be alchemized. The loneliness driving me to youtube would be transformed into meaningful expression, effortlessly. I would talk about my pain, use it to write messages that invite others to step up. Use the creative energy connected to it to work on “organically attracting the right people”. It would be amazing!

I had no moment of sadness connected to my death in a year. Believe it or not, I’m not attached to life. It can come, it can go. It was gifted to me as a precious gift, and it will be over when it’s over. Who cares if I live 2 days like a fly or 100 years. What I matters is, if I’m aligned with Life during life. 

[26.05.25, 8:45] Tears of Gratitude & Awe (Authentic Relationships)

I’m feeling love, gratitude, peace. A kind of “inner awe” feeling. I just listened to a voice message I received from a person that I actually don’t really know. We had a phone call once or twice, but  I couldn’t authentically say, I knew who she is. And yet the conversation feels meaningful. Beyond any physical/sexual attraction. What touches me most is our openness, how we bring our inner world (especially insecurities, fears, …) into contact without knowing if it’s “safe”. It’s like everytime I hear her talking about her fears/sadness/etc. I feel more connected. And even more interesting: Everytime I myself share my own fears & insecurities, I also feel a lot more connected. It’s like a bond is forming and every authentic message adds a layer to it, strengthening the yet thin, but already robust thread.

How would I live, if I had only 1 year left?

I’m going to ask that question to myself as often as possible. Feel free to remind me of it or directly ask me from time to time! It’s fresh from yesterday, but it seems like something that could stick with me forever. Like some framings seems super relevant for a few days or weeks, but then vanish into the vast space of possibilities. While others play a central role forever. This one looks more like it’s going to fall into the “forever” category. We will see. Sometimes I lose connection even to those, and it needs 3-4 rounds until they “truly stick”. The diary is certainly a huge support filtering those from one another. So: How would I live?

I would bring EVERYTHING into contact! Ok, not everything. Maybe it’s just not the right moment for that person, then I wouldn’t bring it into contact of course. I would trust my intuition with this. What I mean is: I would not hold it back OUT OF FEAR. I wouldn’t avoid sharing something because I am afraid that I could get hurt (which isn’t true, just a story). I wanna show myself fully! And I’m not going to wait for next year to do so. Obviously, if I would be dead by then…

Intensity.

Intensity. Intensity. Intensity. That words comes up again and again.
I know I will be rejected because I will be too intense for others. And people will tell me: “Why not slow down? Why force it on other people?”. But that’s not the case. It’s not like I’m planning to have that intensity and that it’s a choice. My choice is already made: I’m committed to be true to LIFE. Let myself be lived by it. And so when I listen to life it’s clear. Moment to moment, situation for situation, I find myself in the role being the most intense person in the room. Always taking it one step further. Not because I want to, but because that’s what life is asking of me. And again, there will be situations, where it isn’t the case, where life asks of me to NOT take it any further. But in general, that’s my role. I do want to go slow if that’s what life asks, but I do NOT want to go slow out of fear. Because others could disapprove of it. I want to, no I have to follow my own truth, follow truth how it presents itself to me at any given moment. And that’s what I would do. And that’s what would be very intense!

[28.05.25, 9:45 am] Life is interesting

Life is taking another turn. I don’t want to write about it yet, but it’s amazing how things evolve, if you don’t put your own expectations & desires over it.

Yesterday, I learned the lesson, how anger can be a very futile power to break free lethargy (in this case in other people). Anger combined with Love I should say. Even though I wasn’t really “in love” the moment I was speaking from that anger, I know the other person could feel how it is there below. And that combination was powerful!

Probably I will write about those things a bit more in the next days, but for now, I just wanted to leave a quick Check-In, as a “floor diary entry”. I missed it the last couple of days, so getting back with this routine feels important to me. That’s it for now…

[02.06.25, 9:15 am] A New Chapter Begins

Day 3. On Friday late afternoon, we arrived at the Spirzen (a farm in the beautiful mountain side of the Black Forest). We, that is Gabriel & me, an old friend who has gone through some hard times and is finally ready to making a change. Not just return into the same cycles again & again, but truly changing things on a foundational level. So here we are. Going by our days in a reaaally slow pace, focusing on healing & presence, especially now at the beginning.

One could say that I’m the one helping Gabriel, by giving him my time & attention to hold space for the birthing process of his new Self. But that’s not how it feels. It feels like Life is gifting both of us an optimal environment to flourish. And being of service to Gabriel is part of that. I feel more strenght, more clarity, more deeply connected to my purpose, being around Gabriel & serving him with what I have established within me over the last 7+ years. When I journaled on “my role in life”, I oftentimes came up with something like “leading by example” and “making my life a piece of art” that others can watch & participate in. And so that’s exactly what’s is happening. I basically need to do nothing else than the things I would want to do anyways. And that’s what Gabriel most benefits from at this moment. Maybe there are a few things here & there, that I only do because of our constellation right now, but those things also don’t feel like a burden. So far, there have been little to no contraction moments, it feels like I’m at the right place at the right moment. With the right person, in the right state. Life truly orchestrated things beautifully. It’s amazing again & again how the path turns out if you just trust life to lead moment to moment to moment.

The last 2 weeks or so, my nervous system has been more activated than I can remember for a long time. There were multiple reasons, but whatever they were, I can feel how I’m getting calmer & calmer by the day. It feels like we’ve been here for one & a half weeks, but it’s only day 3. I already feel quite familiar with the place (talking about the inside of the house) and again, it’s only day 3. Means: There is a lot more calmness to come. Especially as I’ve been on screen & technical devices quite a lot over those last days (in a purposeful way though).

I’m super curious to see how it evolves if we stay in this environment for multiple weeks, even multiple months over the summer. Images are starting to enter my mind (or rather my field of consciousness), more & more creative ideas are sprouting out of the ground. It’s gonna be interesting…

[18:00] Some more lines

Usually I have an idea what I want to write about when I start writing my diary. This time it’s not the case. There are at the same time dozens of things I could write about, while nothing specific is present right at this moment. But for some reason I knew that it was right to open the diary right now. Let’s see what comes out. I let myself be surprised…

What is present right now?

Gabriel. Sitting next to me in the room journaling himself.
Food. Time for Dinner comes soon. Want to prepare some extra protein for Gabriel.

Attracting the right people. Club for True Togetherness. It’s calling. It’s waiting. When will the flow naturally lead there?

My body / physical tension. I’m giving it more attention. But certainly a lot of room for improvement. More Yoga! More attention & allowance. More dancing & stretching. Yin Yoga at the evenings.
Breathings. That’s dialed in. Just did the second of today. The first one was 1 hour journey. Breathwork Summer ahead. Let’s go.

Support Net group. No details here. Not in the public diary.

1 year left to live. I haven’t asked myself the question for a while. Time to get back to it. Live with intensity! Speak your truth unapologetically!

Heart Connection. That’s a big one. Lost track of reflecting on it. Shows it’s not super shitty, but also not super great. Feels true. I have many moments per day, when the connection is intense & strong. But I also lose it many many times per day. It’s not a consistent cord. But it finds its way back without my effort. Seems like that’s my new normal. There are highs, there are lows, that’s the normal.

Other people coming here. Vision. Future. I see the potential. From multiple perspectives.
A Minus is just a Plus waiting for a stroke of vertical awareness.

Call Anselm again? I guess he will call by himself. On the otherhand we will have dinner in 10 mins, so it would be perfect right now. Let’s try. If it’s not supposed to, he will not answer or say no anyways. → he didn’t pick up

What could I be missing right now? Where am I paying a price with my current focus? What is falling of the back end of the shelve? Extra journal! It’s important!

I’m hungry. How about eating now?! Yes. Pausing the diary. I can return at any time.

Intention for eating (= pre-food memo)? Slowly! Tasting more nuances. More presence. Gratitude afterwards. More intentionality, less consumption. Let’s go.

[03.06.25, 20:00]

Today was intense. After 3,5 days in nature only, we went to the city today. My nervous system got the expected boost and I’m still not really calm again (even after another 1h breathing journey). Yet: It was worth it. Especially for Gabriel.

I’m not quite sure what I want to write here right now. I don’t want to repeat what I wrote (in German) in the specific diary of my time with Gabriel (more intimate and only for people who are reaaally reaally close), yet other things aren’t really present right now.
I’m looking forward to the cacao ceremony with Anselm tomorrow, who is going to come up here with two other people. It’s gonna be a silent one, only little, or maybe even no talking at all. It’s gonna be great. Grounding. Calming. Centering.

[04.06.25, 06:30 am]

A super early diary today. We just woke up and started our day by journaling. And for some reason I felt like writing the diary immediately. Normally, I don’t want to go on any screen / use any tech for the first hours of the day but sometimes, it’s the right thing. Maybe life wants me to re-establish the habit of writing in the diary, so why not start early…

What is present today? RIght now I mean.

The thunderstorm outside. I love the energy. It got a bit darker again, feels like we’ve moved back an hour in time within minutes.

My inner hectic. I woke up without a lot of sleep (comparably) and usually that’s when I feel a bit less calm when I get up. Importance of meditation & breathwork in the morning. Slow day. Gonna be nice. Try to go extra slow in the morning.

My heart connection. Establish it early. Yesterday after went to bed, we lay awake quite a while. It was a beautiful opportunity to just feel into my heart for an hour, lose the connection, then feel into it intensely again.

Now the rain becomes stronger and I will pause this journal to just listen to the rain & the thunderstorm. Nature’s astounding beauty under full display. Our world is a miracle…

[05.06.25, 09:00 am]

Well, good choice I wrote the diary that early yesterday. There was no more moment when it even came up in my consideration. But I don’t feel like talking about yesterday right now. It was another intense but beautiful day, especially the visit of Anselm, Lea & Johannes K.

What is present right now though is that I have difficulty being truly open in my heart towards Gabriel. I can sense how I’m closing a bit. Not sure if it’s even about him at all / about our relationship. Or if there is something within me that isn’t processed yet. I might do a specific journal about Gabriel later. But now: What if it was just my own unresolved topic. What if something is happening in the background that wants attention but I’m not giving it yet, creating tension in my system? The first thing that came up was money. There is an overlap with Gabriel, but just how I want to deal with the current situation is what comes up. It’s more about clarity, honesty & vulnerability than about the actual “solution” or anything. Certainly it asks for attention. Another thing that comes up is priorities in general. The first word I wrote in my Journal today was “Clarity”. What I meant was having clarity on what’s most important to me right now. What do I want to focus my time & attention to? How does it affect the people around me? How do I communicate my priorities best? But it all starts with clarity. If I’m in the fog then how should I interact with the people around me in an aligned way? Well, I don’t. So here we are. I still feel tense right at this moment, so the journal hasn’t created a release (as it sometimes does). Yet it still feels valuable and a good first step.

[15.06.25, 19:00]

The diary habit got lost again. Well, it’s a bit different right now here with the special (but not public) diary that I’m writing about the time here in nature with my friend. So I have been writing diary almost daily. Often multiple times daily. Just not this one… Until now. So let’s see what comes out. Let’s start with a free wordflow. That’s always interesting.

Stuck Energy. Inspiration. Pain. Anselm. Gabriel. Support Net. What’s my role? Strength for two. Serafim. Socrates. Stepping up my game. Even more. Even more. Commitment. Meaning. Pain. Sadness. Longing. Togetherness. True togetherness. Synergy. Being supported. Vulnerability. I want to be more. Show my pain. Feel my pain. Access my pain. Heart. Open. Closed. Connection. Inconsistent. It starts with me. Go slow. Speak my truth. Unapologetic. Lovingly. Empathic. What’s next? Unknown. Surrender. Drop expectations. Serve. Just Serve. Moment to moment. That’s all. Trust. Trust more. Nothing else I can do. Nothing else I want to do. Fear. Face it. Don’t push it away. Confront it. Love it. Embrace it to death. Go slow. Go slower. Really slow. Feel into the heart. Relax & release. That’s all I need to do. Be present. Stay present. Serve. Whatever is in front of you. Now. Right this moment. Always. Here & Now. Again & again. Moment to moment. Repeat. Forever. What now? Time to cry? Who can hold me? Who does support me? Who has my back? Sadness. Longing. For new people. For the right people. Pain. Power. Power out of pain. Can be misguided. Healthy only if felt. Transform it. Feel it first. Be vulnerable.

Time to pause. At least I wrote an entry again. More to come. I hope. :)

[20:30] Who is there for me?

Who is there for me? Who is committed to hold space for me? Who even has the intention? Who the capacity? How am I to hold so much space for others without anyone holding space for me? Who cares for me? Who truly cares? With all his/her heart? Not just with words. Who cares with actions? Who is here to support me? I feel alone. I feel un-backed, un-supported. It is painful. I feel pain. I would like to cry. It doesn’t come. I long to receive support. I long to truly be cared for. I long for unconditionality. For support in all areas. Not just in one. Or two. Or even five. In all. No matter if it works out that way. But the intention. Who even tries? Who tries to be there for me? Who is invested? Who cares? Who can? Who can hold me? Am I “too much”? Why is it so hard to be there for me? What’s the overload? What blows the framework? Who is there anyways? No matter what. Intention. Small & big. Tiny & giant. Good times & bad. In light moments, in heavy moments. Night & day. Summer & winter. In Love & in triggered moments. All the time. Unconditionally.

[18.06.25, 18:18] I just want to serve

I just want to serve. Living a simple life & serving Life around me, that’s all I desire. Ok, not all. I want to do this with other people who desire the same: Living as simple as possible and serving to the best of their ability. Living simply together. Simply living together. Day in and day out.

[19.06.25, 15:40]

A good moment to write diary. I’m kind of “bored”, waiting for Gabriel & Matthias upstairs to come down, so we can eat. I’m already super hungry, but it’s a nice practice of just being present & not getting bored (which only happens if my mind leaves the Here & Now). At the same time I’m quite agitated, which often happens to me after cooking. During the cooking session I seem to regularly lose contact with my inner body and then get more & more hectic over time. Usually that results in fast, unconscious eating right after. So having as long as a break as possible, is actually quite beneficial. Even if I’m super hungry.

I always end up at the same place

So what is present?

Today was the first day that I got “back” to naturally focussing on organically attracting the Right People. Yesterday I experienced a lot of sadness while walking through one of the most beautiful I know. Loneliness was especially present. Feeling “left alone”, abandoned. Not being supported while I do support others. And not being seen in how I serve the people around me, but actually being rejected for exactly what serves them most. So yes. I was so sad. And I kind of cried. Not a super crazy release crying, but it still felt freeing. And so maybe it’s not wonder that today I was naturally drawn to True Togetherness. Obviously that came up a lot yesterday during my loneliness as well. Actually, it comes up everywhere, no matter which direction I come from. Again & again (and again & again) I end up with the same exact clarity. Life asks me to bring together the right people. Organically attracting. Natural “filtering”. Bringing together. I just always end up there. Hard to ignore.

Bringing together the right people

So what is present regarding this theme?

- The Visiten-Karte (don’t know the English word right now) that I created this morning. Using more of those random interaction moments on the streets to go along with those synchronicities. Not forcing anything. But also not blocking them from happening by not being prepared.

- The Questionnaire #2 → time to finish it, so we can actually start synchronizing & filtering. It’s been on the waiting line for too long… Time to get back
- The All people list → Update it with the new connections → get it rolling, create momentum with small wins like those

[...]

[I just did the latter. Started a collection. Very raw, very unfinished. But at least momentum.]

What else is present?

It’s important to me. I want to subordinate everything else in my life to that calling. Even the Intuition-Academy, even LEAP and the One Organism Experiment. Well, the last might be exactly what comes out of it. That’s about a certain type of people coming together. Those who want to explore the highest human potential. Not just individually, but collectively. And that’s gonna be extreme! That’s not for everyone. Most people – even if they truly listen to their heart & what like asks of them – will be called to explore & bring healing in the world in a more “normal” way. The intensity of what I’m called to do is not for everyone. And that’s fine. We need exploration, learnings & healing in all sorts of way. It’s not about better or worse, or that people should be this way of that way. It’s just about fits. And the things that truly truly call me, are only a real real fit with those who live with a similar intensity. And I haven’t met many of those people. But I know I will. It might take time, but eventually, I will.

[27.06.25, 8:00 am] Today is a Journal Day

“Today = Journal Day” is what I just wrote on my paper journal. There is a lot to process. And it feels like I’m going to start a new “streak” when it comes to this diary. But we will see. At least today it feels more than possible. Almost a perfect fit. Some things will go into extra journals (by topic/person) and the rest I will just do here in the diary.

What’s most present?

1) My state.
It’s a bit “weird”. I feel more sadness than usual, more heaviness. Combined with a lower connection to my heart. Or at least I’m not able to stay with my heart as long. There is energy flowing. It’s uncomfortable. I feel hectic because there is a lot going on. My attention goes elsewhere. So it doesn’t really have the space to flow through completely. Actually, that’s why I feel more sadness & heaviness in the first place. It’s not so much a “combination” but rather the consequence of not being connected to my heart as strongly (& being able so stay with it when it gets uncomfortable).

Fittingly I’ve had a strong Cacao Ceremony impulse this morning. Like seeing myself starting my next 3-4 days with Cacao & Psychedelic Breathing. Like I did over weeks & months in winter. Sure, I don’t want to be dependent on it, when it comes to opening my heart. Yet if I observe the signs, this goes in the same direction. = a longing for a release (crying) of stuck energy because my closed heart didn’t let it pass.

2) Today’s Journals

My state. Gabriel. Anselm. Next place to stay. Spirzen. Potentiell Lea. Next Dominos Attracting the Right People.

3) Recap of last days (the week without diary entry)

= extra heading later if it flows there. Just quick collection now.
Gabriel & Root Camp & Commitment. Clarity to move on. Loan / financial situation June 30th. BIG milestone oaRP (= organically attracting the Right People).

4) Today’s WIN’s (What’s Important Now)

Journaling! Going slow. Processing. Loan stuff → check-in + getting in action. Messages → catching up, especially Dominik & Janni. oaRP momentum → QQ2 finish + sending out LP/QQ1 + ???

What else is there?
Just got reminded of my priorities. #0 is always = going with the flow. #1 is always two split. #1a) = attracting the right people. #1b) = Self-Mastercare. Then from #2 onwards it may vary…

Last time – or the first time I came up with this framework – I first had difficulty “fitting in” some of the priorities. Until it became pretty clear & obvious. I just re-read the section and it’s funny how well it fits for today as well.

The only prios that don’t quite fit in directly are “Journaling on next place” and “Journaling on money next steps”. In some sense they are both fear related. In another sense, I could say they are about “holding space for Flow” longterm. Both of those don’t change my capacity today or tomorrow. But they have an impact for my capacity in a week or a month. AND: if they are bringing up fears right now, then they’re also related to holding space for flow right now. Any fear or unprocessed pain will diminish my capacity to do the right thing, to listen to life and answer accordingly. So from that perspective, they might be the most relevant thing to give attention. Not from a “solution” perspective (journaling about how I will “solve it”), but from a “disturbance” perspective = journaling about what they stir up und where I’m still over-identified with those voices. So let’s go there for a moment.

Yes, yes, yes. That’s what it feels totally right to journal a lot today. That by itself increases my capacity to going with the flow. First, to recognize what life is asking of me at all. And then to be able to follow through with it. And depending on the context – both last time & this time it was about the place & money – it will also influence my capacity to hold space for the flow longterm. So it’s worth it. Journaling is (almost) always worth it!

State Check-In

I seem to feel lighter already. Just by writing those first lines. Let’s see if that’s just an illusion (Am I Supressing something?) or if that’s an actual shift that is happening right now.

Do I still feel heaviness? Yes. It’s still there in my system. Although it’s not as present.
Does it feel like I’m holding it back from flowing through? Not so much anymore. Still a little bit yes. But I also seem to have a better connection to my heart, feeling right now how it burns a little. I seem to re-discover that insight every few monthy but writing in the diary like this helps me to connect with my heart and feel the pain. It opens more easily. It stays open more easily. I have more capacity to hold pain without running away. Whatever the “reason” for that is, it works. And so I remind myself again: Use the diary more! Especially when you’re feeling low or heavy. Especially in the moments when you feel like it the least. That’s when the diary has it’s greatest power in service to your flourishing. In a deep, wholesome way, not just superficially by accessing “nice” emotions. No, by holding space for ANY emotion, no matter if “good” or “bad”. I feel more free afterwards. Both, excitement & Co, as well as pain & friends, have less hold on me. They’re there. But they’re not me. The over-identification decreases. My sense of self & agency increases. While before less heaviness felt like a good thing. Now it doesn’t really matter anymore. I’m content no matter how much heaviness there is. And the funny thing is: Exactly through that love & acceptance of the heaviness, it goes away. It isn’t being pushed down again, creating more pressure. It receives space through the loving attention. And through that space it can release into space. I don’t hold it tight anymore, so there is no need for it to stay.

Beautiful.

I should make another state check-in after this state check-in. 😃 It has already evolved again. But this would go endless… Let’s take a pause instead. :)

[15:30] What if I had only one year left to live?

This question is still inspiring me. It still comes back again & again, even if it isn’t present every day or every minute. I want to live my life with intensity. Fully. And that brings back immediate power. A sense of urgency that I don’t want to “waste” any minute. And so the question came back to me during/in the period after my nap earlier. So what comes up if I ask myself the question now?

How would I live right today, right now, if I knew I had only one year left?

Intensity. Speaking my truth. Organically attracting the right people. Asking for loans. Unapologetic. Saying no. Doing my best to say it with total love. Make Yoga. Go slow. But do that with my full presence as well. More on, more off. Less half-half. Appreciating nature, the birds, the clouds. Being more present. Doing the hard things. Saying the uncomfortable things. No time to avoid. Face my fears. Speak my truth. Be humble. Act with intensity. Act now. Always.

(Action-) Intention for the rest of the day

Cooking.
Carefully. Slowly. In a way that I keep my connection & don’t feel hectic afterwards. In a way that becomes part of the healthy on & off flow. Being super present. Again: slow.

Loan Messages.
At least writing them. Don’t need to send them. Online is more of a “danger” today. But writing is always possible. Being honest. Being unapologetic. Write as if I had no fear of being rejected.

Other Messages.
Closing open loops. Reducing Zeigarnik Effect. Being on point. Single-pointed attention. Only those who matter. Highest priority first. Use the movement timer, do yoga in between.

More Journals, more Diary.
Just writing. It helps. Go to the other extreme (of too much). Try it out. The next few days are important. Could be choice points ahead. Maybe not. Maybe it all takes care of itself. But maybe there is a decision to be made. Hold space for it. Create space for it. Writing helps. Processing of what’s there. Setting intentions for what’s about to come. Not forcing anything, just being present with what is and letting that flow out through the tips of my fingers.

The Connection to My heart

After today’s early session I kind of lost the connection to my heart a bit again.
First, I went down to clean the kitchen. Which is nice that the flow led there. I was thrilled to do it and didn’t feel like I needed to “will myself to do it” at all. No forcing. Yet I got hectic. I didn’t manage to stay present in my body. So I got into “doing mode” without “being mode”. Paid the price later.
Went for a walk once I realized this. Worked fine at first to re-establish the connection. Than Luna (the dog) went after a deer. My heart obviously went up as well, trying to call her back. Too much to hold the connection with my inner body. On the way back (after she came back) I didn’t fully get back into being mode yet that we met another dog to play. Then excitement took over. It was nice. But again: Connection lost.

The only moment where I felt real calmness & presence was during a call with Teresa in the middle of my walk. I wanted to send her a memo right after. Not via dictaphone, but via telegram directly so she receives it immediately. It worked. But it also didn’t. I ended up, reading & writing (or speaking) multiple more messages. And while the exchange with Teresa added to my inner calm (including the voice message on Telegram), the other chats didn’t. So back into hectic mode. Heart fast. Very fast. Time for Meditation & Nap.

Which I did. Heart still fast afterwards. Also now while writing the diary. It’s processing. There is a lot of processing happening. More than I might have thought.

Fortunately, we will likely have cacao again tomorrow morning. This would be fantastic. We didn’t have any for 2 weeks or so. Which was fine. But today I felt a really strong call and could see how it would be a helpful servant the next few days. Waking up early (whenever I wake up). Do some yoga & dancing & other movements and maybe some journaling, while the cacao is slowly getting ready in the kitchen. Then having a looong & slow cacao ceremony by myself, followed by a long, 1 hour psychedelic breathing. That’s my recipe for deep inner calm. Well kind of. It’s also the recepi for a lot of inner turmoil. But it’s exactly because I face that turmoil and everything that’s stirred up within, that I can let it go. And that’s when the deep inner calm enters. So I can’t predict how long it takes after the breathing – sometimes I just lay there and feel into my heart for another 45-60 mins – but eventually it will all be processed. All that was there for that moment anyways.

That’s my vision & intention for the next days. Let’s see how it comes. Maybe we will end up not even having cacao…
Let’s just see and make the best of whatever is there, of whatever life is presenting me with at any given moment.

[17:00] Another Cycle

So I went to go cooking. And for the first time for a (long) while, I actually did NOT get into any hectic mode. I still had multiple moments where I felt connected to my heart. I sometimes had the tendency to go fast, do something quick, rather than slow & present, but I oftentimes caught myself in the middle. = Opportunity to slow down & feel into my heart. Which was always processing some tension in those moments.
Actually, that’s one of the greatest takeaways of my last 6 months or so:

One of my greatest takeaways the last 6 months

Every time, I am fast or hectic or over-excited, there is something going on in my heart that I’m not aware of.

So let’s say I catch myself being fast on the inside. If I stop giving way to the impulse of hectic and don’t act it out, then the tension moves somewhere else. If I don’t act on scratching my nails, then I suddenly feel an ick on my beard. If I don’t act on that, I suddenly have an impulse to eat. Then to go on Youtube. Then the next. And the next. And the next. So basically the expression with my nails was just one random way my system has gotten used to in order to release tension. And it can be replaced equally randomly.

But: It only releases tension on a surface level. The energy that made me want to scratch my beard is still there. I only got a release for a tiny moment. And then it’s back. If I’m really conscious, then I can easily see how that doesn’t work. I can basically observe myself just acting it out contiuously without anything really changing. Unless…

Yes, unless I manage to tune into my heart!
Because that’s where the real tension is. That’s where the energy wants to be released. And if I do so – which is always uncomfortable at least for a little while – it’s amazing to see how ALL of the impulses are gone at the same time. There is no more Youtube. No more phone. No more nails. No more anything. At least for a short period of time. Until the next disturbed energy comes up that I’m not allowing to flow through. But for that short period I’m free of all of them. There is no need of investing willpower in order to “stop me from Youtube”. No habit-mastery needed. It’s gone by itself. Because the original energy was released. Then all the symptoms are gone as well.

And so that’s my task. That’s what I want to use (all) my willpower for. That’s what I want to install habits for. That’s what I want to create synergies around with others. Reminding me, bringing me back to feeling into my heart. Like reeeaally feeling into my heart. And sticking with it. No matter what. Until it’s gone. Until it has passed through. Not just checking in with my heart for a quick moment and then leaving when it gets to uncomfortable. No. Staying there. Going deeper into the tension. And then relax & release. That’s all I have to do. Inviting the tension in, allowing it to be there. Allowing the pain to be there. Even asking for more. (“Bring it on. Give me more.”) And loving it through. Enjoying the burn. Observing it go up higher & higher. Until it has passed through. Repeat. Until I’m free. For that moment. Then only staying aware, that I don’t miss the next. Which is easier said then done. It takes practice. I’m practicing. Daily. So let me do it now.
See you later, diary. :)

[19:00] Back from the walk

My usual after-dinner eating urge sets in. I haven’t fully figured our yet (nor will I ever completely) why it comes specifically at that time. But my best guess is that it has to do with loneliness. Eating stuff is one form of numbing that is independet of the day & time. Yet it is – also compared to other numbing mechanisms as Youtube – especially strong in the evening hours. It seems to fill an inner emptiness that is stronger in the evenings that in the mornings or during the days. Which fits to loneliness. Because if I could waive a wand and just magically create my perfect life, then within the flow & flexibility, it would be easy to recognize some tendencies. One of them is that I would have a lot of me time (releasing pain, cacao ceremonies, creative expression) in the mornings and the first half of the day, while the evenings would be mainly “people time”. I guess especially after dinner, there would be no more “work”, no more technical devices. And a lot of Love 2.0 (and 1.0 → Google: Barbara Fredrickson to know more) moments. And so in the absence of the “right people” in my life currently (at least in the numbers that it feels wholesome), my evenings are much much more prone for numbing than the mornings. Because that would be me time anyways. So the pain of loneliness – that is latently present all the time – comes to the forefront much stronger in the evening. Or afternoons, but that depends on the day.

Well, whatever the “reason” I can feel it being there now. Another chance to feel into my heart, another reminder of what’s truly important. So let’s listen to it.

[21:30] Yin Yoga & my “PM Mastery Gap”

Yin Yoga works for me. It’s such a great end of the day. I know my life (especially physically) would be better (= more beautiful, more smooth, more fluid) if I did that every evening for the next 20 years. No question about it. But I don’t do it. So far. Which is not surprising, considering that my evenings are the biggest mastery gap in my days in general.

Probably it’s connected to this “the pain is strongest in the evening” thing above. But it’s also some plain old commitment thing. Intention → Commitment → Action. It’s always the same. Apparently my intention isn’t as strong yet. So it doesn’t result in according action.

Normally my evenings are quite solid in the sense that I don’t get a lot of input. Usually I don’t “work” on anything anymore. Most of the times, I don’t use any screens (not fully sure how I want to deal with it regarding the diary). But that’s kind of where it ends. I might do some free journaling from time to time, occasionally a(nother) breathing. And in many cases I’m just outdoor a lot. Or with people if people are there.

Yet there is so (!) much more potential.

The right kind of journaling to review the last day & set intentions for the next. Yin Yoga & Blackroll for my physical wellbeing. Visualizing.

Visualizing → How can I NOT do it more??? → My biggest Mastery Gap

Speaking of visualizing. That’s probably the biggest “mastery tool gap” that I have. It’s been on my list forever. I even had once a day planned to start going for mastery with visualizing, starting the period with an online course on visualization. It never happened. I do it from time to time. But it’s something that gets lost again & again. And I only do very quick, mini visualizations only anyways. They’re a nice floor. But only really valuable if I also build up on them. Which I haven’t. The combination of ceiling (my “goal”) and floor (what I can always do → “too small to fail”) is where the power lies. And there is a huge gap! Especially considering how the power of visualizing blows me away every single time I use it. It’s like: “How can I not give that much much more space on my day?” It’s crazy. Like hard to understand crazy. When I visualize how I want to use the computer or phone (especially how I make the turn before getting lost – or how I quickly recover after getting lost), then my actual session will be so much more in alignment. The likelihood for glitches goes down by what feels like 90%. The likelihood of having exceptionally well sessions and flow goes up by 30-50%. Or more. Hard to tell. And I’m talking about a 2 min visualization here. For, let’s say, a 30-60 min screen session. I mean, just do the math. It’s well well well (how many more should I add?) worth it. And still somethings stops me from doing it. I don’t even know what the resistance is within me that holds me back. I have all the tools installed. Even a visualization counter. Tracking. Habit stacking. All the little things. Still not doing it. What holds me back here? It’s worth giving that some time & attention journaling about it.

If someone wants to help me get on the next level… This is it. Support me mastering visualizing. Or even just hold me accountable. It’s not so much that I need external help here. It’s all there. Just needs to be done. And then obviously tweaked & refined. But that’s not where the BIG gap lies. The big gap lies in just doing it.

So this might be another attempt to get it started. Another intention setting. Probably reached a dozen now. But who knows. Maybe this time it sticks. There is no throwing the hands up and saying “it didn’t work the last 10 times, why should it work this time?”. No, that’s not how I want to go through life. It’s rather: “Maybe it just needs one more attempt.” One more try. And one more. And one more. Forever.  And so I’ll try again. Tomorrow. Just kidding. Right now.

[28.06.25, 17:00] A Heart full of Restlessness

We have cacao again!!!

My strongly desired “Cacao & Breathing” morning became reality. I woke up early, around 5 am, and immediately started with my morning routine, as visualized yesterday evening (worked again!). Then came the first round of cacao and a 1 hour psychedelic breathing. As expected, I didn’t enter a complete calm state yet, as there is a lot to be processed and released it seems. I’m looking forward for the next few days. Especially as I decided to do a spontaneous 3-day-fast. Or 3 days and 16 hours I should say.
That clarity came to me in the second cacao ceremony this morning. This time with Gabriel. It was meaningful! We spent and hour+ in silence and then did a check-in. It ended up only being a check-in from Gabriel’s side, as I asked him to go outside, to leave me some room to process what he had shared. During that processing I realized how my heart was still (or again) super active. And that I still hadn’t eaten. Well: That was my invitation for the 3-day-fast.

Fasting = bringing up the restlessness stored within me

My personal fasting experience so far has been pretty much consistent. Whenever I fast for more than a super short period of time (not only 24h), I start getting restless. Uncalm. Agitated. I can see how that restlessness has always been there, but for some reason it finds its way out more easily when I don’t eat. What a great match to what I had been observing the last days anyways and my intention to release some of that and re-connect to my inner calm.

In this case the way to re-connect is to go through the restlessness. The only way is through. At least one way in this scenario.

So I will (very likely – at least that’s the intention) not eat anymore for this month. Which is also for the rest of the first half of the year. Only water, some minerals, and the daily cacao will enter my system. I’m looking forward to it. Mostly. I’m also not looking forward to it at all. But I know it’s the right thing. A fantastic match to release my restlessness, to truly give it space & loving attention. Not pushing anything away, just staying with my heart. Relax & Release – that’s all I have to do. Relax & Release – is all I’ll ever do.

[29.06.25, 13:30] Fasting & Back Pain

Let’s start with a quick fasting check-in.
It’s comparably easy not to eat. I’m around 44 hours in my fast and the urge to eat is there but not extensive. Since I committed to a 3,5 day fast, I don’t yet negioate with myself on whether to eat or not. That makes it easier.
On my “normal” fasting days, I always have the “struggle” to choose between 24h and 40h. Either I don’t eat from breakfast to breakfast (or dinner to dinner). Or I just skip a full day. Not eating from dinner one day earlier, to breakfast a day later. This kind of leaves “room for negotiation”. In that opening, the small voice that wants to eat creeps in and does it’s thing. It becomes much harder to stay “disciplined”.
This time though, with the ceiling of 3,5 days (or a bit more, 88h), it’s kind of clear that I’m not going to eat on day 2. Maybe on day 3, the voice will start bringing up some arguments, why I should re-start eating, why the fast has been long enough, and so on. But I guess that’s not going to start before tomorrow evening. So for now, it’s quite easy. Not super easy, but comparably.

What “bothers” me a bit though, is that I woke up with quite a severe back pain. It seems that during sleep a nerve has been squeezed. Not sure if that’s actually what’s going on but that’s my best guess.
Anyways, moving is quite hard & painful. A great opportunity to practice relax & release. Inviting & accepting pain rather than fighting it. Allowing it to be there and to bring attention to the spot where it’s asked for.
So basically that’s what I’ve been doing the whole day. Either focussing on the restlessness in my heart and staying with that. Or bringing my awareness to the back pain without resisting. With a few exceptions of creative bursts, when I was writing a message, doing a journal, or anything of that sort. But mostly – it seems – I’m just “doing nothing”. Practicing non-resistance. The hardest thing there is to do. :)

[02.07.25, 15:30] Halluci-Napping

I’m checking back in after I finally had another Halluci-Napping experience again. Not sure, if that term will stay, but for now…

Right now I feel “shaken”. A bit like after a traumatic experience. Or maybe not. Maybe that doesn’t quite hit it. But it’s like as if my heart went through a lot. A deer having been chased by a wolf and now safe again. I’m still a bit shaky. Don’t quite know what to do. But I want to do something. I feel nervous, want to act out that nervousness. While the right thing would actually be to just wait. Take another deep breath. Observe my heart a bit more. Practice Relax & Release. Just stay with my heart and fall behind the tendency to close.

The state might be similar to one after a psychedelic breathing where one consciously activates the nervous system so that stuck emotions can be released. Those breathing also need quite an integration period. Usually I stay there laying, observing & journaling for many many minutes. Yes! That actually feels similar. Kind of I, “woke up” from a psychedelic breathing a little bit too early. The integration period wasn’t quite done, I hadn’t practiced the calm breathing part for long enough. And my consciously actived heart – in the halluci-napping it’s not really an active choice/process – is still working hard & processing.
So let’s get back to observing. It was nice writing the diary for that short moment. And while writing that last sentence an intense burn (& a smile on my face) entered my system. Pain is being released. It burns especially in the upper part of my heart. And it’s funny to see that I cannot but smile when that actually happens. It feels freeing. I can already feel more love pouring through my heart now. I begin to smile, feeling pulled down towards Gabriel, who I had more of a closed heart towards earlier today. Another burn. Still the upper part, but this time more on the right side (earlier it was actually upper left). Another smile. I will stay here a bit longer enjoying this whole process…

[03.07.25, 8:00]

Pain is present this morning. I can’t really tell what it is about. But I can feel it. Or not. Maybe I can only sense it. My heart doesn’t really burn yet, I can only feel the symptoms (tension in face & chest area, heaviness, etc). Let’s do some word-associations to start this entry.

pain—loneliness—desire to be cared for—seen, held, cared for—together—alone—Laura—call yesterday—sadness

—I want to be there—I want to be allowed to serve—by life—by the people around me—sadness—anger—frustration

—heart—impatience—fear—my time will come—trust—fear—loneliness—numbness—desire for levity—pain—alone

—togetherness—true togetherness—fear—asking for my needs—speaking my truth—shame—face—heart—sadness

—desire to cry—breaking open—breathing—kakao—without—depedency—stuckness—right now—what’s next?—

 What if I already knew?—crying—how?—other people—how?—next domino—how without flow?—crying—cycle—

How to break out?—Nothing to break out of—acceptance—loving what is—really loving it—true acceptance—book—

ChatGPT—power—potential—people don’t realize—the right people do—attracting the right people—rejection—

abandonment—pain is waiting—challenge to stay true to myself—life will test me—trust—feel—accept—feel again—

trust again—move on—step by step—that’s all—one step—one more—one more—that’s all—lightness—less pain—

less pressure—feeling free(er)—Why?—don’t know—it’s mysterious—life is—still heaviness—it’s a mix—what now?

—What is life asking of me right now?—pause—accept even more—love what is—go slow—stay with the heart—be patient—trust—be present—let go—again—and again—ChatGPT—have a conversation—what about?—not even sure—something is calling—unclear—let it go again—it will come back—just be—just observe—relax & release—now

[10.45] A Crucial Transition Period

I’m in the middle of a (very long) cacao ceremony that started over an hour ago. My cup is still ⅓ full. I still don’t feel fully calm. My heart is still very active. Yet I feel clear in another dimension. In some moments I can access the stillness behind the turbulence. The calm that is always there, no matter the wheather.

When I observe the thoughts & images my mind produces in the restless state, then it’s interesting to see that they cover a whole range of topics & things. Fear, creative projects, people, insights, challenges, big picture frameworks, concrete actions. It feels like there is nothing that isn’t part.

In moments in which I’m not connected to the deeper calm and more identified with my separate self that wants to find “solutions”, this can be very overwhelming. There are so many things! Where to start? Where to even take the time? And they all lead in circles. If I don’t solve X, than I don’t have the capacity to solve Y. But X is interconnected with Z, which itself depends on Y. Aaargh. Overwhelm. My conscious mind does NOT have the capacity & power to solve the challenge it gave to itself. It’s just too complex. But (over-) simplifying doesn’t work either…

In another moment though, when I’m also connected to a higher perspective, then I can see that I’m in a profound transition phase right now. Or rather that I’m entering a crucial transition period. I’m just at the beginning.
It’s a transition period into action (it seems). Into real, profound action. One that aligns with all that I’m called to.

Maybe that’s just an illusion – another over-simplification to make sense of what’s happening – but let’s assume for a moment that it’s true. And it feels true.

For over 1,5 years I have not been in a real action mode. 2024 was basically a year of self-discovery, opening up deeper & deeper layers (especially the heart chakra). The Normal Life Experiment (NLE) was the first forebode (?) of getting back into action. It was actually one of the interpretations I gave, when reflecting why it felt right to start this experiment. But then, this was never fully aligned with everything I am. And in hinsight, the clarity that I will not stop or pause the NLE, unless there was a priority above 9,5 coming up, led to… exactly that. There were many other calls, small tractions in different directions. But it was clear: No. I will stick with the experiment. Until the big stuff came up…

The last 6 months in a nutshell

Actually, that’s a fantastic moment, to quickly recap the last 6 months. Especially what happened after the start of the NLE.

• Jan – Mid-Feb

  • Normal Life Experiment (Team, Intuition-Academy, Online Courses)

• Mid-Feb – End of March

  • Evolution of Consciousness Live (heart opening, mushrooms, deepning of worldview)

• End of March – Mid-April

  • Bringing People Together (first calling, Begegnungsort Kappel)

• Mid-April – Mid-May

  • Holding Space for Others (profound transition periods of people close to me, being available)

• Mid-May – Mid-June

  • Gabriel (being there for him “full time” during an important time)

Only the last 2 weeks, I’ve been getting back to what opened up during that deep evolution a few months earlier. Since the middle of June, I re-focused the main calling, the part that will be the central piece inside all of the other projects & calling: Organically Attracting the Right People.
Bringing together the right people in a profoundly beautiful way.
= True Togetherness

What is the transition? - 5 Perspectives

Ok, let’s go back to the interesting question. What’s the transition period? From where to where does it lead?

Obviously, there is no clear answer to this, but lets throw around a few perspectives.

1) Bringing together the right people = long journey + many pathways

Just because I’ve set up the first version of the questionnaire in June, doesn’t mean the process is finished. Captain Obvious, hello. No, it means that it can start now. Now we (or I) can start exploring. Because there are soo many options. More than one can explore. So it’s not like there is a clear roadmap ahead from now on. It’s more like a jungle, beautiful & dangerous. And I’m about to enter it…

After months of preparation – or should I say years? – it is now about to “all come together”.

2) Where do I live?

Over the last 6+ months it had always been quite clear that I’m staying here in Freiburg. Either because of the NLE or because of me holding space for other people. And most of the time (or actually always) one place just lead to the next. Not without pain & fear, but still quite naturally by itself.

Now is the first time that it feels like a real decision is to be made: Do I want to go back on the road, backpack only? Do I want to stay with people? If yes, how & where? What country? Do I stay in Germany? Do I live outside or inside?

It all feels totally open and could end up anywhere. Probably depending on the right people…

3) What people get attracted & how is their calling activating my “projects”?

That’s probably the main interesting question. Depending on how & how fast I move forward with attracting the right people, who will be attracted? Clearly, most of the people who will be interested, will not be a great fit with me personally and not deeply influence where things are going. But, likelihood is, that there will also be a handful of people or so, who feel deeply aligned and there I feel called to “dance together”. Then the question becomes: Which dance will it be? I’m prepared for many, but I need dance partners for all of them…

4) Financial Commitments

This one is not a transition aspect itself, but it’s kind of like a “time synchronicity”.

Throught the Normal Life Experiment, I had debts to pay back on June 30th. Some of them were paid back (through new loans), some moved back to the end of the year. But the main version is this: I want to pay back most of the rest until August 30th. Basically 2 months from now. Accidentally exactly that period which feel like the current transition moment. So another interesting question to get clarity on is: How do I want to deal with money & finances moving forward now that “everything comes together”. Loans, donations, Modern-Day-Gandhi Experiment, Services like Online-Courses, Crowdfundings, etc. What’s the dance between those all?

5) ChatGPT & AI evolution

Not sure about this one, but it deserves some attention.
A lot of the things that were started & paused over the last few years (Online Courses, books, FAQ Universe, …) would have been quite an effort to fully create in the past. I would have needed to force it, in order to happen. It wasn’t the natural flow (just yet). With increasing AI power, especially the likes of ChatGPT, those same projects suddenly become way more easily accessible, much more efficient to create, especially with little “men-power”.

There is some research to be done, but it’s clear that clarity on the potential here, influences where the action transition is leading to…

Before & After

I can feel how my writing times comes to an end soon. While I felt calm writing at the beginning, I get increasingly fast now towards the end. Always a sign of some inner message that I’m not listening to. So I want to give that space soon and see what is there, what life is asking of me right now.

But before: Let’s take a final look, how I see my life changing through this transition period. What stays the same? What changes?

Same = I will follow my intuition relentlessly.
What is life asking of me? Do it! This will express very differently from moment to moment, not always looking coherent from the outside.

Different = The output will be more & more interconnected with a purpose.

Before, I was just creating things as they came up, no matter if they’re even made use of anytime soon. They’re created in the trust that they will be needed at some point.

After the transition, it all has a specific purpose. No matter how far the topic seems away, it will always lead to “Bringing the right people together”, directly or indirectly.

Different = More pro-activeness & invitations

Before, I was basically open to new people and always followed the doors that opened, but I wasn’t really looking for those doors actively. They just came to me here & there.

After the transition, it will be consistent habit to “soft check” for any doors. Inviting people pro-actively to step up in their lives and getting in touch with new people based on the vision of “attracting the right people”.

I could write more here, but now the urge to pause grows stronger. And this I will follow.
= that’s it for now…

[04.07.25, 7:30] Pain, Sadness, Loneliness

I’m alone.
I feel alone.
I am alone.

Sometimes the world seems to be unfair.

Sometimes the world seems to conspire against you.

Why would it be like that?

I can see how it could be.

How it could be much more beautiful.

And that’s not just for me.

That impression is not just me.

It would be for everyone.

But the pain – that’s just me.

My mind is in work mode.

Tries to find solutions, ways, comes up with ideas.

But it’s easy to see that the only purpose is avoidance.

Avoidance of pain, avoidance of feeling.

Better “fix” the situation than just resting in pain.

The danger of writing right here is the same.

It could easily be a way to avoid feeling pain.

My intention though matters – it’s the opposite of that.

I hope it helps me access what wants to flow through.

I feel very lonely.

I feel left alone.

No one who supports me.

No one who truly cares.

Feels like my needs always fall off the shelf.

I’m the one renouncing, paying the price to serve.
But when it comes the other way, it’s for everyone too high.

It’s not even that I feel that any person is selfish.

When they share their situation, it feels totally right they act that way.

It feels true to them in that moment – that’s all I ever ask for.

But that doesn’t diminish the pain. If anything it makes it stronger.

It would be easy to blame someone else.
But if it feels right how they act, then there is only life itself.

So it confronts me with two different sets of beliefs.

One, I know deeply that life support everyone. All the time.

Two, I feel truly left alone. When people listen to their truth they do NOT support me.

Why? Why is life like that? – That’s where my mind wants to go immediately.
But I know that’s not it.

It’s just one perspective. Not false, but very limited.

Is it selfish?

Is it selfish that I want to receive support?

Is it selfish that I don’t want to fight to have my basic needs covered?

Is it selfish that I don’t want to fight to serve the world as best as I can?

Is that even more subtle selfishness? Do I only support in order to receive support?

No. That doesn’t feel true.

And yet it is that way.

To my service, to my growth. I know.

But I can’t feel it.

Not in those moments.

I can step out and tell myself a story.

My mind is easily well-trained enough to switch the perspective.
To say why this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

But that’s just the mind.

There’s a deeper level that doesn’t reach.

A level where I need to feel the pain of the opposite.
Only then I can feel the truth that life cares for me.

So what is they way?

The way to access the pain?

I don’t even know.

Let’s try writing in vain.

To be seen.
To be held.
To be taken care of.

Those are my deepest desires.

In those gaps lies my deepest pain.

So how does it feel, when those wounds are touched?

When I speak out of the moment of pain?

Not as an “enlightened observer”, but as a hurt little child.

It’s unfair!

It’s unfair that I always give my all to serve other’s need and then no one cares about mine!

It’s unfair that I go the extra mile to serve someone else two, but then others don’t even walk the extra 10 meters to save me a mile.

It’s unfair that I spent hours and hours pro-actively reflecting how I can serve other’s needs, while others don’t even take mine into account when they’re right in front of their face.

It’s unfair that I need to fight for the most basic things.

It’s unfair!

It’s mean!

It’s mean that others abuse my giving. That they take advantage of my unconditional giving and then don’t give back.

It’s mean that others see exactly that this is happening, but then even make me the “bad guy”, as if I had done something wrong that they’re acting selfishly.

It’s mean that I come to be seen as selfishly and narcicisstic, while I do everything in my power to serve all of life, being committed to face every hidden part that is indeed egocentric.

It’s mean that things are completely turned upside down, and me being the one who pays the price.

I want to write on, but it’s hard to continue.
I already softened, already relaxed.

I know it’s not mean. I know it’s not unfair.
It’s just more perfect than I can apprehend.

It’s a perfection way beyond my comprehension that includes my growth, as well as everyone else’s growth in my environment, as well as all of the world’s evolution.

Who is to say that acting selfish towards me (who is constantly serving) isn’t the thing that heals the selfishness of that person?

Who is to say that people should care for my needs, if the absence thereof gives me the chance to confront & heal my deepest wounds and flourish on an even deeper level.

Who is to say that life should be easy?

It’s not that any of the perspectives of that little child are wrong per se.
Even now as an adult many of them do feel right!

It does feel right that I take other people’s needs more into account then they are mind.
It does feel right that I’m paying the price for healing other people’s selfishness.
It does feel right that I’m being portrayed by most people in a completely upside-down way.

But it doesn’t feel unfair!

It doesn’t feel mean.

Who says that this is not exactly how it’s supposed to be?

The struggle is not that it really is that way. That is only the pain.
The struggle is fighting against reality.

The struggle is wanting it to be different when that’s actually how it’s supposed to be.

At least for that period, for that moment in time right now.

When I cease to fight, I cease to struggle.

I can feel the pain, but even enjoy it.

I can be grateful for being able to play my role.

Grateful for being able to serve.

Serving.

Not by me caring for other people’s need.

Not by me being the one who “betters the world”.

Serving by being misunderstand.
Serving by being made use of.

Serving by being the one paying the price for other people’s (hidden) selfishness.

Serving the world by not being held.

Serving the world by not being seen.

Serving the world by not being taken care of.

And paradoxically I am.
It’s both true.

Both at the same time.

By accepting my role of not being taken care of, I am being taken care of.

Not taken care of by any specific person, that’s the dimenson where the opposite is (often) true.

Taken care of by life.

Including the difficulties, including the rejection, including the pain.

I feel ready now!

Ready to start my day.

Ready to take in the “unfairness” today and embrace it.

Ready to play my role as the “bad guy” in life (or this life period).

[07.07.25, 12:30]

This will be a reminder for myself. An intention setting for the rest of the day ansd the following days.

Remain still until the right action arises by itself!

Be patient. Don’t act out of restlessness, out of the need to “do something” or fix anything.

Since I arrived back in Freiburg 3 days ago (the day I wrote the last entry), I feel a lot of restlessness & pain & loneliness. And oftentimes I want to act on it. I can observe how ideas & visions come up that lead me away from feeling the pain. They each contain a core truth, but the reason they come up in this moment is oftentimes just avoidance. Not being able to hold the tension. Not being able to move towards the spot of greatest resistance and relax around it. I’m certainly nowhere near by best in this regard. And it will take some time to get back.

The last weeks and months (since early April really) have been very intense, very people-focused. Now, it seems, a period of aloneness & loneliness will be ahead. Everything points in that direction. It’s as if there is some pain waiting in line, screaming “it’s my turn now!”. And so my intention is to accept that invitation. And be patient with my creations, allthough they seem to scream loud as well.

ChatJFK, Crowdfunding Universe, Attracting the Right People, and a lot of smaller things. They all come along with ideas and concrete next steps. And part of me wants to follow. But another part is afraid that it would come mainly out of restlessness, not out of clarity. But I also don’t want to do nothing. That doesn’t feel right either. So that’s a dilemma. Or at least a pretty tight rope to walk.

Mostly it leads me back to: Spend time in nature + take everything with you that you would need for creating.

If true bursts come up, follow them. But also be aware if there is pain waiting to be felt and attent to that, once present. Keeping the space clear for flow is and will always be the #1 priority. Supressing feeling when they come up, is the best way of stopping flow. At least the kind of flow that is really really valuable. So I will go back & forth. Up & down. And just spent time in nature. Take the water & food I need with me and reduce everything else to the minimum. Not a lot of people. Not a lot of tech. Just forest & trees. My inner voice & the mental–emotional chatter. Letting it settle. It needs settling. There is a crucial time period ahead. One in which, it seems, things come together big time. And it’s important that I approach it the right way. Don’t choose directions out of restlessness, don’t create out of pain avoidance.

I truly believe that the 1-2 months that follow (either after, or including those first days & weeks), will be very “decisive” ones for my whole life. That’s how relevant it feels with ChatJFK & attracting the Right People (see my post a few days ago). It reminds me of that plane metaphor. A plane that wants to fly from Los Angeles to New York, would end up in Miami, if it just had a 1% (or so) alteration in direction. It doesn’t seem a lot in the beginning. But over time it will make a huge difference! And it’s much easier to start in the right direction from the beginning than to adapt later. It’s possible to adapt, yes. But if I have the privilege to be aware of such a crucial transition moment ahead of time, then why not use that chance that offers. Going slow for a week or two – even if it seems like I could already move forward in that time period – will be of immense value over the long run. And with less inner turmoil and more inner clarity, the two weeks will be caught up in no time …

[15:00] Restlessness & Numbing

Once it felt right to leave, it was hard to stay in the “right mode”. It’s pretty obvious how my system (some part of my deeper psyche whose job is to avoid feeling pain), tries nudge me into directions where I a) overeat, b) go online, or c) am around people. Even if it’s just superficial connections, there is always a pull, always a desire to belong. But there is also always a pain not to belong. A pain to belong only when I pay the price of not being fully who I am. Only if I comply in the game that let’s others suffer, be it people on the other end of the world right now, future generations who are not even born yet, or animals & nature. 

[09.07.25, 10:45 am] Deep Crying + Watching Heart + Creative Inspiration

A lot has happened since the last entry!

The two main things seem to be this:

1. I cried again → like in real, intense crying → for the first time since April 20th (or so)

2. I’m back to the realization that “watching my heart is more interesting than any movie”

Probably it’s no coincidence that the second point comes the evening after the crying, which happened yesterday evening right after I walked into Anselm’s AKW.

Crying my eyes out

It was crazy. I had just opened the door and started a memo for a journal. Suddenly I felt deep sadness (as I had often felt it over the last few days). This time though, there were no walls, no layers around it to hold it back from bursting it. And so I started crying. Loud & intense. I still had my jacket on, only my shoes were removed before entering. And so it went for over 30 minutes. It was beautiful. It was painful. I didn’t want it to end. A part of me hoped, I would continue crying like this for the whole evening, deep into the night. It felt like a release. A needed release after the intense last 6-7 weeks, and especially the last days.

Afterwards, I made myself a nice ceremonial cacao and had a late night cacao ceremony. It felt sacred & beautiful, as if it’s supposed to be like that. I felt a strong desire for more (shared) sacredness & ritual in my life. I journaled for a while with candle light, read some Fred Rogers & Martin Luther King, and then went to bed peaceful & calm…

The Next Morning – Restlessness at it’s best

After waking up, I realized why I wanted to extend the evening as long as possible. I enjoyed the inner peace & stillness, and part of me probably knew that it would be quite different the moment I wake up. And so it was.
There was inner turmoil immediately. I was super “un-calm”, my mind was going in every direction, and I had super strong impulses to act out my restlessness (scratching nails, moving fast, doing SOMETHING). So I meditated. For over an hour. It was still there. I did some slight movement & dancing, focused on my body & being present. It was still there. I did another cacao ceremony. It was still there. Yet what had changed during the morning is this: I was not trying to get calm anymore. I managed – in many moments – to accept the uncalmness as the state that is supposed to be. And that’s when I reconnected to the deep insight from some months ago:
Watching the heart is more interesting than any movie, more thrilling than the SuperBowl.

So I watched my heart. How it beat fast. How it wanted to avoid feeling itself. How it sent orders to my body to move, act, do something. And from time to time it got calm. For a few short moments, maybe even for some minutes. Before it started again.

That’s how my morning went. That’s where I’m still at. I’m not writing this from a place of calmness. I’m still super restless. But I’m writing this from a place of acceptance, even joy, being with this uncalm. For the moment – and I know this will get lost again – it is quite easy to stay with it. To feel the tension without acting on it blindly. To feel the burn, without numbing or looking away. And – even though it still feels uncomfortable! – I enjoy that state quite a bit.

So I will stay with this a bit more. Close the laptop again & watch my heart a bit more intensely one more round.

I’m not sure where today will lead me today. But I know it will be alright no matter what if I can manage to stay with my heart. And if I can’t, then that’s also alright, as I will have learned quite a bit about where I lose the connection…

[14:20] Back into rhythm + Deep joy with not object

This day is beautiful!
It feels like it must already be late afternoon (so much has happened, so much important work I’ve done), yet the day is not even half-over. Almost 8 hours left, not yet 8 hours awake.

For the first time in days, I feel this deep inner joy & inspiration without having any object. Not one thing that excites me, not an idea or vision bringing forth feelings. No, a deeper well of Love & Enthusiasm that is just there. It will find objects as well, I’m sure. But it doesn’t need it.
I’m really excited what the day brings. Even though I have no idea where it will lead. Well, no idea might not be true. I have some ideas. But there are many. I can see multiple ways how it might unfold and feel attached to none of them. So it feels open & exciting. I’m curious to see how things will evolve.

Right now, I’m going to have my first real meal for today. I’m sitting out here in nature at one of my “Kraftorte” (= power places) at the Dreisam, taking out paper & pen for some journaling before I start eating. And just like that, I found back into my desired rhythm for the diary: Ahead of meals.

So after this impulse, and some more inner smiles, I’m pulling out the chromebook and start writing these lines.

Thank god, I cried yesterday. Life is beautiful. Life is mysterious. Life has already everything we ever need.

Diary over. Food on.

[18:30] A bit of over-enthusiasm

I’m about to have dinner. And what comes up, of course? Writing the diary. :) Habit installed, it seems. Almost at least. Reminds me of the good old habit workshop days. Even though it wouldn’t be quite aligned anymore in that context (workshops for a bigger company with a profit-oriented and not so interbeing focus), it was fun doing them! I wonder when that part of my past enters back into my life now. I see how it can fit in. Although it will never be the focal point again, as it used to be. Optimize was then. Now it’s included & transcended. We’re talking about much bigger stuff now.

The last hours went a bit more into over-enthusiasm mode. I could observe myself talking a bit faster from time to time, being a bit more hectic again. Not from a place of avoidance per se this time. Rather a desire “to make something out of the new state”. The opening that has formed desires to express in creation. But I need patience here as well! It’s no about shooting everything out as quickly as possible. But rather let it built up by itself, so it naturally expresses in a sustained way. And it will. I know that for sure. But I DO need to be patient. Stay in the present moment. Just relax & release. And observe & wait for clarity. It will naturally come if I don’t interfere. I don’t need to think or reason myself into what’s the next most important thing to do. It will just be there and it will be totally clear. But for that clarity to emerge I need to hold space. And not fill it too quickly. Which is tempting right now after those last “slow” days with a lot of processing and – comparably – little creative outbursts.

Instead of writing on, I will now put my chromebook aside and focus my full attention on the food. One thing at a time. Full presence with everything. Here & Now. That’s all there ever is. So let’s enjoy it & absorb it fully.

[10.07.25, 10:21] Life is beautiful

It’s hard for me to hold the intensity of joy & beauty that I’m experiencing this morning.
There is restlessness & un-calm again. But this time – so it feels – more because I can’t hold the “positive” energy. I want to do something about. Use it. Act on it. And there is truth to it, for sure. But at the same time, it’s also just that in-capacity to hold the tension. If I was both, able to hold the energy AND committed & free to act in creative ways, I would go slow. I would trust that it will naturally express if I don’t block it. It has been like that many many times in the past. And it will be the same this time. Same dynamic, only one iteration further.

And so my task is to stay slow. Take what comes and make the best out of that. Not forcing anything, but listening to was life asks of me. Dropping my assumptions of what that is, dropping my agenda, and let myself be surprised. Be open & ready for everything. Or in words of The Tao: “Let myself be lived by it.”

That’s the task. Not interfering. Allowing.

For now, I can say, that the day started a bit slow, but beautiful. Things are coming together, I received clear visions how the next days might unfold. And it feels spacious, sacred & beautiful. More on that probably in one of the next journals. Only thing for now: I slept at a different place today (without tent). And that one is much more aligned if it doesn’t rain. I wake up at a place where I feel already safe & peaceful. And I have all my power places right around the corner. And the spaciousness that comes from a) being outdoors all the day and b) having clear priorities (and a super simple life), that spaciousness is incredible. Hard to put into words. I could live like that forever (knowing it doesn’t work in Germany just from a climate perspective). But for now – and for the next weeks & months – I feel home. Without a home.

Let’s have breakfast…

[12:30] Some heaviness is back

After the breakfast and a long sloow walk, I returned to “my place” with some heaviness.
I don’t really know where it comes from. It’s interesting to observe. Did something happen? Anything I subtly tried to supress and may even have forgotton now? Or is it “just” something from the past, some samskara ready to be felt now? I’m not sure. But I realize how I get more expansive while writing about it.

Let’s speculate for a second and then let it go. What were all the situations that occured during the walk that could have led to my heaviness?

- The social insecurity around the three mums whose dog I was petting
- Meeting Iris and talking about how I am and where I live
- the school kids in break and the teacher observing
- the young mum with the child in the weird sleeping position
- the closed door where I was checking for water/toilet
- me picking up trash and sometimes wanting to be seen how I do it

Probably there were more half-relevant situation, but that’s good enough for now. None of them feels, like an “aha”, a situation that carries more than I might have seen. But they all could carry some potential for “samskara activation” in one way or another.

What is present? → Words & sentences

Jana - Journaling - Mails - fear - Notion - ChatGPT - Teresa - Isomatte - groceries - Flocke - toilet - water - heaviness - sadness - relaxedness - desire to act - desire to create - feeling of pressure - food - breakfast pt. 2 - writing - Journaling - Yoga? - movement - changing places? - Where? - Stegen? - Isomatte? - patience - impatience - going slow - deliberately - training myself to accept what is - Byron Katie - Wayne Dyer - WG - “good old times” - longing to belong - hunger - dog - Isa - joy - hoping to cuddle (with) her - pausing - presence - eat

[16:15] My Heart in Action Mode

It’s crazy. Basically out of nothing my heart went into full pounding mode. I wanted to take a nap. But there is no way. It’s just a heart-meditation at best, trying to stay with it and relax into it. But it’s not about pain per se either. It’s both, a mix of painful and super exciting feeling. The common denominator is that it is super intense. A bit like the morning after I cried. Or the Psychedelic Mushroom Experience. Only kind of out of nothing. Or maybe not…

Re-visiting old pain → WG

The day took some interesting turns anyway. Earlier after the heaviness came back, I did a transition journal when I was about to leave the place at the Dreisam. Suddenly then – in the middle of the journal – inspiration returned. I started to doing sports (burpees), felt some pain waves and had the inspiration to write & record the message to Jana & her flat. Suddenly the impulse to leave wasn’t as relevant anymore and it was more of a slow, meaningful exit with a lot of energy & inspiration.

Then when choosing where to go, I decided to go to the house where I lived together with Anselm & Elias at the beginning of the more intenste part of my Journey 2020-2021. It was also the biggest pain-wave that had passed through me a few minutes earlier, just when the enthusiasm re-entered my system. I went for the slow path, not going there immediately, but buying food first. Basically giving all the fears some time so surface. Which they did. Partially.
And so I went to the old flat. Just walking by it. But really slowly. And sometimes stopping and closing my eyes in order to focus on my heart and make sure that the energy (pain in this case) had enough space to make its way through.

Afterwards I had lunch at a bench and then went a bit up the hill to the spot where I’m typing this right now. Maybe the pounding heart still comes from that experience earlier. Like a deer that has been chased standing there for some more minutes processing what happened. Then – after some physical shaking – it will eventually move on with its day. Maybe that was my equivilant of the deer experience. I certainly also have the impulse to move and do some physical activity now. So it fits quite well.

And before writing on, let’s do some shaking & moving.

Collection for later

• Outdoor living vision → Journal or Memo

• Notion → Journal & first set up

• WG Ebnet → pain & processing → collecting “pain points”

[11.07.25, 10:20] Another beautiful day

The second day in a row that arrive here, at my favorite Dreisam spot (“where it all began”) in the morning. This time there is no “need” for meditation, as I followed through with my morning vision. I woke up late again, because I was up at night for around two hours. But other than that I slept fantastically. Better than Expected. Laub regelt.

Once I got up, I went outside the little tree protected area out on the field, getting warmed by the morning sun during my 33 min meditation and the Yoga & Journaling session that followed. An hour later, I went back to camp, prepared breakfast and did some washing, before finally leaving for the day. So here I am.

I feel wonderful again. Full of Life, joy, beauty, wonder. I’m curious what the day brings and I can feel the gratitude of being where I’m at. Alive and granted another day of service.

What feels present?

Let’s see if there is anything present that I want to write down, before starting breakfast.

- Notion next steps today to finish ChatJFK → base for writing “catch up messages” → Transcripts = prio #1
- Journaling on VA → How could one help currently?

- Online = as late as possible → keeping the flow of calmness & patience

- food → how will I go about it today?

- Vision talk with ChatGPT → How could things unfold in all areas

- Mastery & Systems → When to get back? → setting up a workflow for memos with ChatGPT → Review process of old A4 Journals

- ChatGPT really got to a point where it’s crazy useful → like it can do a lot of the “putting my ideas into action” where I would need 10x the amount of time alone → sets me free being in my genius zone

- Notion free Journal + Set-Up phases → (1) quick floor for ChatJFK, (2) playing around & experimenting with structure, Templates & Co, (3) building it properly, (4) transferring old files (with VA help)

Now I realize my body getting a bit tense from my typing position. Time to pause. Do some more yoga and then have breakfast. :))) 

[12.07.25, 11:00] A lot has happened in 24h

I’m writing the diary before breakfast, despite being in “battery saving mode”, only having 15% battery left and wanting to do some work on the computer. We will see.

A lot hast happened in the last 24 hours. More than I will write about now. Just to collect the key points:

• My deepest purpose calling → new (midnight) clarity

• inspiration vs. pressure (one turns to the other quickly)

• the truth in my traveling impulse

• ChatJFK → VA & Crowdfunding Universe → organically attracting the Right People

• What is ALIVE right now? = my new MVP question

A lot to unpack here. I will see if life leads me doing so today or another time.
Now, it’s time for breakfast…

[14.07.25, 13:30] Long time to diary

So I officially lost the habit on writing diary before eating…

It’s been another 2 days, basically 3 days without a real entry.

And I’m not sure if this is going to become on either…

What is present?

• Giver Gathering article → NAAS? → Conscious Freiburg

• I just want to Eat & Serve article/crowdfunding text

• ChatJFK + Notion slow pace → mini milestones & dominos

• Momo birthday

• Pain moments (Dave, AKW, Jana)

• Outdoor support request x3 → Momo group + Nebenan.de + Conscious Freiburg?!

• Fear to be seen in my deepest pain (not being supported) → knocking on doors

• How would I act, if I didn’t feel pressure/stress? (What if I had no fear ruling my life?)

[17:15] Another Meal, another short entry

I’m getting back on track. No long entries yet, but at least the floor and the habit of doing it before eating.

I’m feeling calm & grounded right now. For the first time in many weeks I read in The Power Of Now again. And I intend to do it more often. Only a page or do are enough. The wisdom & truth I’m grounding myself in through those few words are profound enough to anchor me in what is, in life.

A few things that were present during my pre food memo were this:

• Writing the text for my outdoor support

• adding a few things to ChatJFK (mini milestones)

• Writing on with Opening Your Heart When it Most Tends to Close

In general I can feel how my heart is constantly in the struggle to close. Every small thing, every disturbance inside, and I start to tensen up. Especially obvious is my mouth are today. It’s an easy tell realizing that I’m not as relaxed anymore and that there is some pain not making it through my system.
And what better moment to observe that tendency then while eating…

[15.07.25, 12:30] Pain & Patience, Pain & Patience

Life truly wants to teach me patience. That’s the best explanation I have for everything that is going on. And it is what feels most true.

There are so many creative impulses, so many ideas coming out of moments of clarity & joy. And then there is so little capacity to act on them. So much pressure & forcing when it comes to bringing the visions into action. And so I need to let go. Again & again, I need to let go. It’s not even just daily. It’s every few minutes. If I don’t I get tense. And then the energy is blocked even for more insights & clarity. But then when I do let go, life doesn’t lead me to enacting the old visions, it leads me to new ones. And so the tension gets bigger, the pressure stronger. There are even more beautiful ideas now. And even less time to act on them. So it’s even harder to let go this time. The requirement for patience grows & grows.

And then there are other people involved. People who I want to pay back their loans, people who are waiting for responses for things that matter to them, people who don’t even know yet how much they would benefit once I get in action. And then I don’t want to disappoint them. But forcing matters is no option either. But then – at least in the case of the financial paybacks – it leaves the image that I’m being egoistic. Which I know I’m not, and so I “should” be fine with a wrong image. Yet the theme of “what other people think of me” still rules my life more than one might think. It’s present in small moments, as well as in big. Once I notice I can handle it, then it all falls into place (for a moment). But when I don’t, then it takes over. And it alters my decisions. It lets me behave in ways that aren’t free. And then I’ll feel the pain of that…

So there is pain either way. No way to avoid it.
It seems like my prognosis from around 10 days ago (“The next days & weeks will be painful!”) is becoming painfully true…

[16.07.25, 9:45 am]

I’m feeling more calm than the last days.
Not calm to the extent that I know it’s possible (by far not!) but significantly calmer than the last few days.
Note: Morning Routine works & is important!

I’m sitting at the Tree of Insight in Kappel, about to spend another day outdoor. And potentially a rainy day!
Rainy days have been my “pain days” over the last 1,5 weeks that I’m living outdoor in Freiburg. For some reason, the feelings of loneliness, the pain of not being support come up much stronger on those days. But not so today. At least so far…

What is present?

There seems to be a slight consistency about the things that are present over the last 2,5 days. Let’s see if it turns out that way again. Trying to leave all old clarities behind, just speaking out of the moment. What is present right now?

• How to spend my time with all the things I could do

• Action steps on Heroic Shares (+) → Elias → Forum Post

• ChatJFK next steps (++) → Jessica Support set-up → clarity on v1 (how & where hosted)

• Giver Gatherings (-) → not now likely

• Messages to Momo & Co (+/?)

• Memo System & Workflow (+/?) → folder synch

• fasting → today (24h starting after breakfast) for the first time since my first long 88h fast

• USA → coming up repeatedly → being ready (via ChatJFK + VA + Notion) to “go on the road”

• Eat & Serve → MVP Crowdfunding page → not yet

It’s starting to get a bit windy. Often a sign that the next rain comes soon, I have learned over those last 10 days.
I’m getting more of a feeling of many of those nature things anyways. About time & light. Wheater & direction. And so on. And while I type those words, indeed the first drops come down.
= ending this journal + packing my stuff + continue my walk up the hill (Pfeiferberg)

[17.07.25, 11:15 am] My Heart

My heart, my heart, my heart.
It’s all about my heart.

I come to that realization again & again. At one point, I hope, it will just stay with me constantly.
It’s about opening my heart moment to moment to moment. Especially in the moments when it most tends to close.
That’s my task, that’s my calling, that’s the one thing I would like to show the world.

This morning was a high alertness when it comes to my heart-openness. Not a high openness per se, but I was very aware of the closing and therefore they didn’t have too much power.
I’m laying at my favorite Dreisam spot right now, after a very rough night (I don’t know how much I slept – maybe not more than a couple of hours) and a beautiful morning routine at my default place.

What is present right now?

• Linne b-day = today

• Niam call

• Stronger Visions of “travelling” & being at other places, while “working” the same way as here

• Heart Writing

• ChatJFK next steps <-> pressure & tightness

• food

• napping

I guess the most important thing today is – as mostly these days – patience.
I’m really low in energy and as I still want to be intensely on & intensely off, that means today that the recovery periods are longer & deeper than usual. Probably 3 naps rather than 1, probably longer ones than usual, and just in general more “down” time, going for walk, closing my eyes, or doing Yoga.
The margin for error is smaller. The potential of overpacing higher. Or not. because at the same time my awareness for those “negative potentials” is also higher, making it more likely I stay on track.

For now, I feel the first wave of tiredness return. Probably it’s a good moment to eat my breakfast (I already had one slice of bread to break my 24h fast) and then take a real nap. Going slow. Not forcing anything. Trusting. And going what life asks me to do. Moment to moment. Starting now. Always.

[18.08.25, 10:30 am] More inner calm

Today was the first morning, when I woke up and felt “pretty calm”. For sure, the calmest I felt (after waking up) for the last two weeks. And so I’m already pretty peaceful starting my day (after almost three hours morning routine) at my favorite Dreisam spot, about to eat breakfast. Let’s do a quick “What’s present?” before eating.

What’s present?

• I love Eckhart Tolle → Power of Now = more of that

• Sport = good fit for restless moments → don’t use energy for mind, but for bod = good fit

• “heart shortly before breakthrough” → second day in a row that feeling is present

• actions & creation = don’t have such a strong pull on my field of awareness

• “If I can go slow, nothing can go wrong.”

• Yoga → do a few more movements before eating

[15:30] No pressure to act

I’m laying here at one of the most beautiful spots I can imagine, on top of the Pfeiferberg, where a wood artist is building it’s huge masterpieces and where you have a far-distance-view in almost all directions. More peaceful than most days lately, there is very little pressure to do something. Most important pieces are still in progress, yet I don’t feel I “have to act fast” or force something into being. I can allow. And observe it happening live.
Certainly, I’m not in a state of avoiding, of trying to run away from anything, of acting out of desperation.

Which makes it all the more interesting that visions of “travelling” and far away places come up again & again.

Life is calling me (overseas?)

When I’m looking at the clouds, flashback of my childhood trip to the USA come up when we visited the Grand Canyon. When I’m at the water, I’m reminded of the times I was in Italy (also with my family). New Zealand came up, Mexico & Portugal. Any many other small “undefined” places.

The difference to when those visions came up before I intensely cried 10 days is that now I’m in a calm state. They don’t come out of pain & desperation but what I would call clarity or inspiration. So there is something to it!

The Truth behind the vision

At the same time, the clarity is this: Not now!
Not forced either. It’s not about going to some place or not. It’s about listening to the truth behind those visions.

What feels true to me is this:

1) it’s going to happen → be ready

life’s path will soon lead away again → don’t be surprised when it comes → don’t overcommit here

2) this time I will be prepared

the last times it happened I held a loose vision of what could be, how my life & service could look like when I’m “on the road”. But in hindsight, it never had a chance to “truly work”. Any maybe it’s an illusion, yet this time it feels truly possible. With ChatJFK, a soon to come new VA, the Club for True Togetherness in place, my equipment & working style much more flexible, and with the Crowdfunding Universe set up. With all that, it feels possible.

3) Put in the Work → know your priorities

That’s the key part, I guess. Without forcing any of those 5 things (because none of them is ready now), I can see clearly how they are all very meaningful to my life. And how I rather invest time doing nothing (so those 5 things operate in the subconscious mind) than doing something of lesser importance. Other pulls will be there – and I might follow them if it feels right in the moment – but the general prioritization is clear. And it makes life easier…

[19.07.25, 11:30 am] The next 30 sec will be the most beautiful of the day!

What if this was the most beautiful thing I did today?

That’s my question for today. And one I hope to keep in my “arsenal” for a long time. It immediately brings me back into the present moment. And it helps me appreciate what is and see the world with different eyes. Curious eyes, like a child. There is an innocent wonder, why this might be the most beautiful part of today. Is it a butterfly I’m about to see? An inner observation that comes forth? The light that reflects beautifully in the fields & trees?

What is present?

Do I stay? Do I leave? Where do I go?

What am I going to today? (mind jumping to the future)

What is most alive? What is my role in life? Will I journal about this? Digital or on the walk? Repeatedly?

How about ChatJFK? What’s the next domino?

I feel sadness when I realize unused potentials (= everywhere around me)

I often supress that pain (don’t feel it completely) of those situations.

My typing speed gets a bit faster. Less calm. Less present. More hectic.

What is life asking of me right now? → Be present. Connect to heart. Now. Let it soften. Even more. Start packing. Trust where it leads you. Don’t plan. Just go. Smile. Enjoy. :)

[21.07.25, 11:30 am] I want to write

I want to write. But there are so many things I want to write about.

• My heart

• the pain of being projected onto big time

• fear of loneliness walking my path / staying true to myself

• the sickness of our “my” and “mine” (especially in so-called “spiritual” circles)

• My role in life

• The desire to just “eat & serve”

• The pain of not being supported while being committed to serve with every breath

• How my closest people see me

• Me being perceived as “not on eye-level”

So many things. And probably many more. So where to start?
Overwhelm kicks back in. I don’t start at all. I wait. Sometimes that’s right. But sometimes that’s only out of stuckness.

The day only has 24 hours. Sometimes I wish it had more. And that I could write all day long. But then that doesn’t feel right either. Life calls me to different situations. I can’t plan that. I can’t reduce it to one thing, one expression.
I need to trust. Trust on an even deeper level. Trust in the big moments. Trust in the small moments. Always. Unconditionally. Life will do it’s thing. Just don’t interfere!

🔗 Appendix

Next Iterations (= Improving this article in the future)

Links/Referrals

Tags